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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The May 2021 Challenge  ›  One Mississippi - May2
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  Author    One Mississippi - May2  (currently 446 views)
stevemiles
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 4:13pm Report to Moderator
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Enjoyably madcap, if a little hit and miss humour wise.  I like the scenario - the how and why of it all - but it felt like the scattergun approach to the humour was a little too busy for the page count.  The idea of flushing the ashes so they reach the ocean works nicely but felt rushed into place especially as the storm seemed to be passing (unless I read that wrong?).  Potential is there. One to come back to perhaps with a more streamlined approach - that or another page of so to let it breathe.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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Spqr
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 7:02pm Report to Moderator
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Well-choreographed slapstick. I had fun reading this script, but I can't believe three guys this dumb could survive to their current ages. Their twice-gone Mom was obviously the brains of this outfit. Seeing them struggle to survive without their leader could make a fun movie.
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mmmarnie
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 10:03pm Report to Moderator
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How are these guys ever going to survive without the mother? Entertaining dopiness. Fun idea. Good writing. Nice job.


boop
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: May 19th, 2021, 10:35am Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
ED
(off Steve’s look)
It was dirty.
STEVE
With Mom!
ED
Oh. Good point.


That made me chuckle

I quite like this Ed character.

It was a fun read and actually gave me a chuckle. Well done


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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FrankM
Posted: May 19th, 2021, 11:08am Report to Moderator
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Three idiots being idiots, good for some chuckles. It would have complicated the character intros a bit, but I would have liked to see two of them exasperated at Steve while he's parking so carefully. Maybe have two of them bolt out as Steve maneuvers the car into just the right spot.

The rest stop probably would have a designated storm shelter. Maybe Steve knocks over the sign on his initial surge into the lot, and the trio head in what the audience knows is the wrong direction.

Good job!


Feature-length scripts:
Who Wants to Be a Princess? (Family)
Glass House (Horror anthology)

TV pilots:
"Kord" (Fantasy)
"Mal Suerte" (Superhero)

Additional scripts are listed here.
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Geezis
Posted: May 19th, 2021, 4:21pm Report to Moderator
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There's always a single malt waiting for you.

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Funny, quick snappy dialogue and a tornado. What's not to love, Great story.
Well done.


If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
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SAC
Posted: May 19th, 2021, 8:49pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Writer,

Yes! Loved this, laughed out loud a couple times. Great dialogue to boot, lots of funny lines here. giving this top marks. Excellent work!

Steve


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 20th, 2021, 8:04am Report to Moderator
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Two pages in and had to stop to say I'm enjoying this and comedy isn't my fave genre (to write or read).

Then it sorted of drifted for me a little with behaviour that didn't seem right... but then finished with a decent line.

Good job


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Lono
Posted: May 20th, 2021, 8:35am Report to Moderator
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Pretty good. I don't know why they're risking a trip to scatter ashes in such bad weather, I guess their house was destroyed? Small nitpick if any. I got a laugh out of it, good dialogue.
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