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One Mississippi - May2 (currently 446 views)
stevemiles
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 4:13pm
January Project Group
Posts 745
Posts Per Day 0.16
Enjoyably madcap, if a little hit and miss humour wise. I like the scenario - the how and why of it all - but it felt like the scattergun approach to the humour was a little too busy for the page count. The idea of flushing the ashes so they reach the ocean works nicely but felt rushed into place especially as the storm seemed to be passing (unless I read that wrong?). Potential is there. One to come back to perhaps with a more streamlined approach - that or another page of so to let it breathe.
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Reply: 15 - 23
Spqr
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 7:02pm
Posts 483
Posts Per Day 0.09
Well-choreographed slapstick. I had fun reading this script, but I can't believe three guys this dumb could survive to their current ages. Their twice-gone Mom was obviously the brains of this outfit. Seeing them struggle to survive without their leader could make a fun movie.
Reply: 16 - 23
mmmarnie
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 10:03pm
January Project Group
Posts 1085
Posts Per Day 0.22
How are these guys ever going to survive without the mother? Entertaining dopiness. Fun idea. Good writing. Nice job.
boop
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Reply: 17 - 23
Matthew Taylor
Posted: May 19th, 2021, 10:35am
January Project Group
Location Shakespeare's county
Posts 1770
Posts Per Day 0.88
Quoted Text
ED (off Steve’s look) It was dirty. STEVE With Mom! ED Oh. Good point.
That made me chuckle
I quite like this Ed character.
It was a fun read and actually gave me a chuckle. Well done
Feature 42.2 Two steps to writing a good screenplay: 1) Write a bad one 2) Fix it
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Reply: 18 - 23
FrankM
Posted: May 19th, 2021, 11:08am
January Project Group
Location Between Chair and Keyboard
Posts 1447
Posts Per Day 0.62
Three idiots being idiots, good for some chuckles. It would have complicated the character intros a bit, but I would have liked to see two of them exasperated at Steve while he's parking so carefully. Maybe have two of them bolt out as Steve maneuvers the car into just the right spot. The rest stop probably would have a designated storm shelter. Maybe Steve knocks over the sign on his initial surge into the lot, and the trio head in what the audience knows is the wrong direction. Good job!
Reply: 19 - 23
Geezis
Posted: May 19th, 2021, 4:21pm
January Project Group
There's always a single malt waiting for you.
Location Glasgow, Scotland
Posts 411
Posts Per Day 0.26
Funny, quick snappy dialogue and a tornado. What's not to love, Great story. Well done.
If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
Reply: 20 - 23
SAC
Posted: May 19th, 2021, 8:49pm
Of The Ancients
… but some dreams do
Location Upstate NY
Posts 3208
Posts Per Day 0.78
Writer, Yes! Loved this, laughed out loud a couple times. Great dialogue to boot, lots of funny lines here. giving this top marks. Excellent work! Steve
Reply: 21 - 23
AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 20th, 2021, 8:04am
January Project Group
Location UK
Posts 4323
Posts Per Day 1.13
Two pages in and had to stop to say I'm enjoying this and comedy isn't my fave genre (to write or read). Then it sorted of drifted for me a little with behaviour that didn't seem right... but then finished with a decent line. Good job
Reply: 22 - 23
Lono
Posted: May 20th, 2021, 8:35am
Location Canada
Posts 94
Posts Per Day 0.03
Pretty good. I don't know why they're risking a trip to scatter ashes in such bad weather, I guess their house was destroyed? Small nitpick if any. I got a laugh out of it, good dialogue.
Reply: 23 - 23
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