One Mississippi by Ed - A family trip to Myrtle Beach goes awry.  Location: Public Bathroom. Object: Urn of ashes.  Short, Comedy

That was some fun banter. A weird family. It was different, kept me interested.

The dad in particular with the paper towels and stuff was funny.

Solid effort.

Ha!

Loved it. Fast, funny, my favourite yet. Really nothing to critique.

Excellent stuff!

This is great. Beats and comedic timing are great. If it's not physical gags, then you have some great dialogue. Can really see the relationship between the men in this family.

Great job Writer.

Hi writer,

Quoted Text until... A TORNADO SIREN ramps to a full scream.

I'd use an em dash here as opposed to an ellipsis. The em dash signifies a thought or piece of dialogue ending or changing abruptly, or getting interrupted.

Quoted Text OWEN Dad’s Viva-based emergency plan.

Very funny

Lots of the comedy works, some not so much, mainly because of how stupid these guys come off.

Well written and a good effort in a tough genre.

All the best.

I'll preface this by saying that comedy is hard to write. And comedy, like most anything, is subjective. This had some snappy dialogue, but the jokes just didn't land for me. I do like the bit at the end where the boys rationalize flushing the ashes down the toilet. But this one was just okay for me.

Nice job - gave me some chuckles. Enjoyed it

"Good job, Honey." Lol. Funny stuff!

This one is hilarious! Writing is great, too. Spotted typo on page 3. "Owen's tosses..." should be "Owen tosses..."

Great job here.

A very original way to get an urn in a washroom.

Comedy is subjective but I thought you dealt with it very well.

It was tough parameters, but the clever way you used the tornado to guide the guys in to the restroom was great.

Very Creative and funny

A good entry

This is okay, and I know the drill; comedy is subjective, but this has Modern Family written all over it. So, honestly, at first read I wasn’t too jazzed, and the comedy fell flat, un-tonic (as in: non-sparkling).

That being said, I decided there’s gotta be a comedic tone in this I’m missing, so I decided to read it again, but on the second read through I put everyone except the Dad in Sunday Casual Drag, as in… flamboyant; okay, now it’s funny, and urbane; RuPaul called, he wants his skit back. It’s funny and quirky and would/could work with the right frame of approach… à la Modern/RuPaul, lol. Best of luck.

Excellent job, writer. And with a bit of inventive production, certainly is low budget.

Hits all the marks for me and was funny, which is not easy to do.

Yep, good thinking outside the box (or Urn, in this case) to get where you wanted to go.
Very imaginative and clever, and the ending was the cherry on top.

Not the brightest this lot, are they?
Very enjoyable.
Great title too.

Comedy. It's a funny thing.

Even though I knew where so many of the action and lines were going, I still really enjoyed reading this. That's good writing talent to pull that off.

Nice work, writer.

Comedy is tough.  I tried my first one for this challenge, so we'll see how it goes.  Finding comedy in situations isn't hard, but delivering comedic situations is another story. This felt like a reach for delivering funny situations.

Action lines not bad, but could be fleshed out with stronger verbs or more visual writing.  Be specific when necessary, be general the rest of the way.

Char intro's weren't bad as far as shorts go.  I like to see last names and more given to each character try to never put more than two char's in one action line.  Good use of all caps on MEN as that is the first time we see them, but then I prefer to see one char per action line.  Hard to waste that space in a sport, so no worries here.

I enjoyed it, but didn't laugh.

Enjoyably madcap, if a little hit and miss humour wise.  I like the scenario - the how and why of it all - but it felt like the scattergun approach to the humour was a little too busy for the page count.  The idea of flushing the ashes so they reach the ocean works nicely but felt rushed into place especially as the storm seemed to be passing (unless I read that wrong?).  Potential is there. One to come back to perhaps with a more streamlined approach - that or another page of so to let it breathe.

Well-choreographed slapstick. I had fun reading this script, but I can't believe three guys this dumb could survive to their current ages. Their twice-gone Mom was obviously the brains of this outfit. Seeing them struggle to survive without their leader could make a fun movie.

How are these guys ever going to survive without the mother? Entertaining dopiness. Fun idea. Good writing. Nice job.

Quoted Text ED (off Steve’s look) It was dirty. STEVE With Mom! ED Oh. Good point.

That made me chuckle

I quite like this Ed character.

It was a fun read and actually gave me a chuckle. Well done

Three idiots being idiots, good for some chuckles. It would have complicated the character intros a bit, but I would have liked to see two of them exasperated at Steve while he's parking so carefully. Maybe have two of them bolt out as Steve maneuvers the car into just the right spot.

The rest stop probably would have a designated storm shelter. Maybe Steve knocks over the sign on his initial surge into the lot, and the trio head in what the audience knows is the wrong direction.

Good job!

Funny, quick snappy dialogue and a tornado. What's not to love, Great story.
Well done.

Writer,

Yes! Loved this, laughed out loud a couple times. Great dialogue to boot, lots of funny lines here. giving this top marks. Excellent work!

Steve

Two pages in and had to stop to say I'm enjoying this and comedy isn't my fave genre (to write or read).

Then it sorted of drifted for me a little with behaviour that didn't seem right... but then finished with a decent line.

Good job

Pretty good. I don't know why they're risking a trip to scatter ashes in such bad weather, I guess their house was destroyed? Small nitpick if any. I got a laugh out of it, good dialogue.