I liked this one, but the monologues are just too long. Good sting in the tail, too

Took until the very end to realize that Brandy was a dog, but I suppose that was in support of the reveal at the end.

Good effort!

Now that, my friends is how you do dialogue! A good actor would make those words purr like a kitten, and keep the audience hooked through the whole monologue.

This would get an excellent from me but I didn't realise until the end it was supposed to be a (dark) comedy and yet it read to me as pure drama.

Brilliant effort though.

Hi Writer

I ruined it for myself by guessing the punchline. Although Not sure why the Grandpa is taking so long to flee the bathroom lol

I probably would have broken some of that dialogue up a bit with action blocks, but could just be me.

Loved the Grandpas story you set their characters up in the beginning perfectly.

Nice work

Bit if a shaggy dog story this one and it was mildly amusing with some nice dialogue...

But the twist/punchline just felt a bit abrupt for me.

Decent effort

Writer,

Very good! I think where you lost this was the story itself. It got a little confusing and muddled inside those big blocks of dialogue, but in my limited way, I followed along. And as it turns out, wrong person. Classic. Still, this could have be much funnier if you care to rework this. Nice job.

Steve

It takes guts to write long passes of dialogue, so hats off for that. Strongly written. I like it more for the writing than the humor.

okay...admit first read I didn't get it. Read again and realized he went in the wrong bathroom.

Some good dialog. I thought he was gonna break down sobbing which might have added some more humor.

Nice entry.

I didn't get it at the end, expertly written nevertheless. Didn't care about the long dialogue, it felt authentic and easy to follow.

Was a bit confused, but may be I'm rushing too much to get through these at the last minute. With all that dialogue, some of it purposefully roundabout because it's a reminiscence, I had trouble sticking with it. I think this a story that you have to be in certain mindset for and I'm not your audience at the moment. Very well written though!

Thanks all for reading and the feedback.  I’m pleasantly surprised at the reception to this.  I struggled to find a way into this challenge and this was kind of a last ditch attempt that I nearly bailed on numerous times.  Humour is tricky to put across on the page and darker humour even more so, and I was geared up for a regular drubbing - particularly with the long passages of dialogue - but I’m encouraged enough to work this up into something more polished (with a dialogue trim/break-up).

Dave - cubicle/stall - the first draft was set in the UK and I can’t believe I missed that in the rewrite.

Thanks Rene for the suggestions.  I quite like the idea of getting out a little earlier.  I was torn on how to structure this as the payoff felt kind of obvious.  I had considered revealing the girl in the stall a little earlier and cross-cutting to her reaction as his story gets darker and darker. Not sure if that would be a better route or not though.

Thanks again.

Steve