How would we know it’s a Saturday?  Is it important?

Might have been an idea to bring Timmy back into it. Feels like a loose end and a fairly bleak one at that.  Maybe it was implied with the surrounding family but it still feels conspicuously absent if not brought to the fore.

Got a little sidetracked by FALLING BOMB.  At first I thought it was a mini-slug.  I’m not sure we even need to see it - could be better for the tension if we don’t see the bomb/bombers at all and rather the blast is implied with SFX and the reactions of other characters.

I don’t know, I wanted to like this more but it just seemed a little lacklustre.  Not to disparage the idea; it’s a nice circumventing of convention, but covers a lot of ground for a 5-pager and maybe the timeframe (and writing) could have been tighter for a more focused story.  When the ending came it didn’t land with as much impact as it could have.

This is an entire World War II saga boiled down to five pages. The sacrifices of Grayson and Lilly are devastating, so the story is successful on this level. I feel like this is solid, but not particularly experimental.

I wanted to thank everyone for commenting on this. This was a late entry, but it has been something I've been working on in a different form. I didn't technically have a script for it, just storyboards and an animatic really, built the story as I went. I think this is ok? I didn't cheat I hope lol

One of the things I wanted to address was something that came up a few times and that was the O.S. dialogue "Excuse me" that happens.  It was Lily who says this, but in the past. I was trying to do like a segway into the past sequence, maybe this wasn't executed on the page properly and would there be a way to right this to really make it clear what I was trying to do? It makes more sense in the animatic.

Special Thanks to Matthew Taylor, I did do some research into it but your feedback on historical accuracy is invaluable so thanks man.

I can post the Animatic here if anyone wants to see it?

Quoted from Lono One of the things I wanted to address was something that came up a few times and that was the O.S. dialogue "Excuse me" that happens.  It was Lily who says this, but in the past. I was trying to do like a segway into the past sequence, maybe this wasn't executed on the page properly and would there be a way to right this to really make it clear what I was trying to do? It makes more sense in the animatic.

If you are showing dialogue from the next scene before the previous scene finishes then you can use PRE-LAP. I would also change the name from WOMAN to LILY to make it clear.

Nice heartfelt script you have though. (and please double check my historical corrections lol)

Quoted from Matthew Taylor If you are showing dialogue from the next scene before the previous scene finishes then you can use PRE-LAP. I would also change the name from WOMAN to LILY to make it clear. Nice heartfelt script you have though. (and please double check my historical corrections lol)

Thank you Matthew. I did double check your corrections and you were right, I just had to move around the times in the slugs so it works out, added the prelap on the first page and Timmy at the end. I think I envisioned it as he was already there, but since this was all just storyboards and no script I didn't really think it out as an on the page. This is going to be an animated short. I have it all worked out in the animatic, just have to find the time and money to put towards it!

Thanks again! Fan of your work man