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So I like Looper, I like it a lot, but I’m also aware that if you actually assess the time travel element and try to coherently put the story together it simply just doesn’t add up. Something similar is going on here, I think?? Maybe?!
If his mum, sorry, mom (for my American cousins) dying is what pushed him into doing this amazing stuff, then surely her death is something he hasn’t actually got to do? Unless his future self realised that in order to create the machine he’d have to travel back in time to kill his mom and create world peace. But then that’d mean that he’s created the machine regardless, and so the mother slaughter just doesn’t add up. I’m soooooo bloody confused, I could very well be wrong and so that’s why I’m utilising the Looper clause.
Just as I liked Looper I actually liked yours (potential plot holes aside). There was a tension, there were stakes in the family unit and a blood soaked love that I could get on board with. The technology was there and the horror was too, so it ticks the boxes. Maybe scratch the world peace thing, felt a bit cheesy, but that’s an easy fix.
Overall I’d say if I suspend my time travelling questions (again, I could be wrong there) then I liked it.
Well done writer, I cared and there was horrory/future stuff. Nice.
Very good writing on display here, well done. A few action blocks could be trimmed but not enough to be a bother.
As far as the story and theories, I get it but I don't either. Yes, he should have seen this coming and, seeing that he lived long enough to transport back to the future, will probably survive and be able to change events again...I would think. And why doesn't his young self remember the happenings? Was it part of the patch?
Unknowns aside, there's a lot here and with more thought, it could be ironed out.
A dark shape suddenly fills the gap. Joshua sees the glint of the lava lamp in an eye peering at him.
This took me three reads to figure out what I was looking at – once I figured it out I really liked the visual – somehow it needs to be clearer.
Quoted Text
Similar features, same hair color, same eye color.
I would add: “as Joshua’s.
The logic at the end confused me.
SPOILER
If his Mom doesn’t die like she did – he doesn’t invent time-travel – so he comes back to kill her – but why??? Someone killed her in the first place – right? Why not just let that event take place? Maybe I’m missing something.
I like time travel movies like LOOPER, which this has shades of, but you pretty much have to hit me over the head with exposition so I can follow it.
I am also confused as to why Older Joshua has to return to the past to kill his Mom. UNLESS, someone like Biff Tannen hijacked the time machine from Older Joshua in the future to un-kill the Mom, so the time machine would NOT get built, and there would be NO world peace.
So, in theory, that changes the future world back to a violent society and therefore gives Older Joshua a valid reason to return to the past and make sure the murder is carried out.
As for the murder ... isn't there a more humane way for older Joshua to respectfully kill Mom, rather than breaking every glass picture frame over her head? I mean, give her a suicide gummy from the future and let her die in her sleep.
Overall, pretty good.
Just rethink the time travel stuff and give Older Joshua a justifiable reason to come back.
Got a good old-fashioned Bootstrap Paradox going on here. Time travel, especially looping is so messy to configure properly, as in; to be properly understood, and plausible. I guess the only line that could lend credence to the plot is:
OLDER JOSHUA: “I don’t remember this. You won’t either, not really. It’ll just be a bad dream for you.”
Perhaps the whole event is locked into a memory wall/cube and protected from his waking consciousness. The drive to create time travel in his later years could be a nagging, or relentless obsession to correct the past that he may have overwritten to protect his core identity, but, only creating the events that were so traumatic in the first place… does that make sense… no? Maybe I’m way off.
One of my favorite series on Netflix is ‘Dark’ (similar time loop driven series). I’ve watched it a few times to see how they tied up all the loose ends, and I’m still amazed at the complexity, yet simplicity of the whole thing. Mind = Blown.
Anyway, I won’t read it twice, cause I think I have a firm concept of what you were going for. Well done for tackling such a twisted concept. BTW, the author name: Mobius, as in Möbius strip … clever.
This is well written and the concept, whilst not original, is well handled... until you get into the problem with these sort of scripts... the internal logic is usually wonky.
Oh, God. Time travel stuff really messes with my head.
I think for emotional pull somepne else needs to be responsible for Mom's death, (an intruder) and Joshua would still have the drive to invent time-travel. I think the younger and older Joshua witnessing Mom's death would really pull at the heartstrings.
The opening is great, scary,. I'd play a bit more on that, perhaps place the intruder at that point. Just a suggestion.
I had a similar problem as Dave getting my head around the eye/lava lamp visual/line. Easy fix.
This line:
All those people would never have been saved
-- needs more depth, or modesty, or examples, or something. Doesn't exactly endear us to Joshua, just makes him appear ironically a bit egocentric, if you know what I mean. We need to feel the good he's done, the lives he's saved. Hard task in six pages.
There's a lot to like here but it needs a bit more fleshing out emotionally.
Though this story works in a dramatic sense, the time travel aspect has problems. In order for Joshua to invent time travel, Mom has to die. Joshua invents time travel so he can stop her murder. But he discovers he killed her when he comes back from the future. The only way he could discover that is if he, Older Joshua B, saw Older Joshua A killing Mom. But in order for Older Joshua A to come back, there had to be an earlier version of him doing the killing. As far as I can determine, there is no beginning or ending to this cycle.
Your basic time-travel short. No real new ground broken. Which is fine. It just doesn't hit as hard as it could because we've seen it before.
It was written well enough, and I enjoyed it for what it was. I just would have liked to have seen something different.
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This is a good story and well told to but I don't see it fitting the requirement at all. They wanted a gadget or something that does something - and yes he invented something to help people you said. But you just brushed over it. It wasn't about that saving device at all. It's about time travel.
The dialog has some exposition for me too especially later in the story when Older Joshua just dumps a lot of info on younger him. But overall it reads well.
I struggled to understand this as well and I'd be interested to hear from the writer. This is basically the Edith Keeler episode of STAR TREK. In order for Earth to survive, Edith Keeler had to die. And Kirk had to prevent McCoy from saving her.
I have no issue with rewriting that in today's context from the viewpoint of the man who INVENTED time travel, however I didn't see a need for him to visit his former self, as the mom was never reported as saved. I think the crux of the story is in this dialogue passage, but it's still not clear to me:
OLDER JOSHUA Five years ago, I came back. And I saw me, now, five minutes ago, just before I came into your room. I couldn’t understand it. So I made a promise to myself that no matter what, I wouldn’t do it. I could never do it.
It reminds me on the X Files episode where the scientist comes back to stop he and his team from discovering time travel by killing them, because with time travel, there is nothing to live for because you can already know it all.
Very good and sad story, though.
34 - 0: Let's see if Accountability sticks this time...
Story: Time travel stories are always so difficult to review, because you want to overanalyze them to death. For example, if he’s already invented time travel, couldn’t he then come back and NOT kill his mom? Or would that change the future and his ability to invent time travel? Just logic issues for me is the only problem I have with this, otherwise a solid story.
Characters: Both Joshuas are pretty well-developed and I like how they play off each other.
Dialogue: Pretty good – nothing to quibble with here.
Writing: Solid story from beginning to end, but I really hope once this challenge is over you come back and explain the time travel logic behind this.
Meeting the challenge: Meets the challenge.
Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned