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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2008 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - The Something
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  Author    OWC - The Something  (currently 3969 views)
Don
Posted: October 19th, 2008, 3:15pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Something, The by Brett Alan Bentman - Short, Young Adult, Horror - Thirty years from this Halloween, a tape is found by a young student. The contents of the tape are shown, and dismissed as fake. If the status quo is not kept in tact- everything that is believed to be true can be proved to be a lie. Did something invade a small town thirty years ago? Is the tape real? The Somthing has to be explained... 13 pages - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  October 31st, 2008, 10:42am
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 19th, 2008, 4:20pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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First OWC read for me.  Interesting stuff here...confusing, and filled with mistakes, but interesting for sure.

Why is the date 10/31/2009 on all the camcorder stuff?  I thought it was supposed to be 30 years ago?  Or is your story set in the future 31 years?  Either way, it needs some clarification.

Many of your headings don't make sense as they are...some say day right after an earlier entry of night, etc.  they're mostly confusing the way they are worded.  I think there are numerous better ways to write that we are watching a tape, as opposed to contnually using "Tim's camcorder").

Dialogue doesn't sound real at all...between anyone.  I think you included an awful lot that didn't add anything to the script.  The problem with this is that you only have 13 pages here, and because of that, I feel you left out some good possibilities.

BUT, here's the good news...your premise is pretty cool, and I think with more time, this could have been pretty good.  The way it reads now, though, it comes off as really rushed with a bunch of mistakes that probably should have been caught.

Good idea and pretty good effort.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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dogglebe
Posted: October 19th, 2008, 5:16pm Report to Moderator
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I felt very lost when I read this.

SPOILER SPACE

Bobby tells the class that he has a thirty year old VHS tape and then, upon watching it, we learn that the tape is present day and the classroom scene is in the future.  You should've done something to tell us that we're starting off in the future.  Do you think they will even have VCR's in the future?  Or will they go by way of the dodo and the 8-track?

I felt I was kept at a distance with story. I couldn't get into it.  The bickering between Tim and Jenny kept me from getting into it.  And I didn't feel that there was enough they ain't no invasion in the story.  I fgound it hard to believe that the police would blow off an accident report.

THe ending of the story was nice, though.  A pleasant twist.  At first, I thought it needed to be more dramatic.  Then I realized that subtlety would work better.


Hope this helps.


Phil
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MBCgirl
Posted: October 19th, 2008, 5:56pm Report to Moderator
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Some things are better left to the imagination!

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Interesting story...definitley has a good story line...but it does seem to be flawed just a little.

Times were indeed off...confusing. Wasn't sure why Mrs. Wendell would allow the tape to be played in her classroom if everyone was to be obedient and subdued...and if Bobbie was a subdued individual...would he even think the tape was anything but someone being disobedient????  Not sure...

Technically it was written well and easy to read.

Loved the red eyes...gives just enought away

~m~


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I love words and the fact that when the page is blank...there's nothing there until words are formulated in my brain. Those thoughts...rushing through my viens and out my finger tips, find "life" on the page.  

When people and places come to life...that to me is exciting.


MBCgirl =)
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mcornetto
Posted: October 20th, 2008, 5:02am Report to Moderator
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You had a good story here - a bit heavy on the Cloverfield but not bad.  You formatting could use some improvement.  The little date mentions you made should have been formatted as SUPER: October 31 2009, 3:48 pm.  You have your share of typos but that is probably true about any script in the OWC.

You need to work on your dialogue, some of it seemed to be really on the nose. It could be that you are writing for a camcorder and that's why the dialogue is the way it is.  However, I would work on that because it hurts the believability.

A couple of other things bothered me about this.  First, if I were the teacher I wouldn't let one of my students play a tape for the class without having viewed it first.  Second, if the town is taken over by aliens, why aren't the kids aliens too?      
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walford
Posted: October 20th, 2008, 9:17pm Report to Moderator
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As mentioned already not sure about time on the tape, 30 years ago or 30 years ahead?
Either way the dialogue doesn’t ring true.  “you’re so gay man” Gay was gay 30 years ago ! Stalker is a recent term. You have a mix of ‘evil people’ and ‘aliens’ books with made up history, confusing. Hand held cam – recent film making diversion, needs something to lift it above obvious comparisons.- walford
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jayrex
Posted: October 23rd, 2008, 3:08pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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Quoted from mcornetto
Second, if the town is taken over by aliens, why aren't the kids aliens too?      


This is a good point Mr Cornetto has made.

I might be one of the few people who liked your script.  I wasn't lost and felt as if there was an invasion creeping in.  I couldn't see the hoax though, but it was there to be argued away if the question was raised.

My only point to make is that the power ranger thing came in around the 90's.  My best mate's cousin who I hung out with a few times made the theme tune for the u.k. audience.  Although I think the power rangers was kicking about in Japan from the 80's?  But I'm sure a little research would fix this.

Change the SUPER to :31st October 1998.  That should work.

My favourite script so far.  And better than the Blair Witch POO Project.

All the best,


Javier


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Mr.Ripley
Posted: October 23rd, 2008, 4:53pm Report to Moderator
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Very reminiscient to Blair Witch. I was thinking of coming up with this type of tale, Probably create another little short just for the sake of it. lol. But I enjoyed it overall.

What you need to fix are the scenes involving the camera recording such as the cop scene. Wouldn't the cop ask about the camera?  

You should probably set this tale when the teacher views the tape. That'll be a little bit scarier. She can then take away from him and cause suspicion. I suggest rewrite this and make it longer. I wouldn't mind reading the rewrite.

Mr. R.
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pwhitcroft
Posted: October 23rd, 2008, 8:09pm Report to Moderator
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This is a nice idea and as the others have said it needs a rewrite to get it to work. The concept is intriguing and I’d prefer a wider explanation of what has happened.

At the beginning Mr Harris needs an introduction? Actually we never find out if the students are 5 or 20?

“I didn't question it much...that would be disrespectful.” – This line seems odd because if you believe that respectful behavior is the norm then talking about an option to be disrespectful reveals an awareness you are unlikely to have.


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fredigy
Posted: October 23rd, 2008, 11:44pm Report to Moderator
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Good story. It was an easy read and not too hard to follow. I do think that the camera is a little to much in the vein of Cloverfield and Blair Witch, but you did well with keeping the action progressive.

I did question why the teacher decided to let him play a VHS tape without sensoring it first. And I don't know anybody who has a VHS tape player today, who's going to have one sitting around 30 years in the future. You could easily change that to a different medium.

But overall, nice job.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: October 28th, 2008, 5:09pm Report to Moderator
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I really liked the premise of this-- the idea of a boy finding a tape from 30 years ago and he doesn't know what to make of it.

I was wondering why there was this necessity to watch it in class-- that seemed contrived. Especially since the teacher wanted to conceal what was in it because she burned it afterward. If that were the case, she wouldn't have let the viewing progress. She would have made some kind of excuse-- like saying "How interesting, but we must move on with our lesson now..."

It wasn't made clear what "the something" was. It did read very choppy to me.

I really do feel that you have an interesting vibe happening in this however and it just needs work.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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babentman
Posted: October 28th, 2008, 5:25pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read, I am in the process of re-writing The Something into a feature. Have any work on here I can read?


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babentman
Posted: October 28th, 2008, 9:28pm Report to Moderator
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I am glad you forgave me... however I signed it BAB and my email was on there but my full name was clearly not.... rules are there to be bent but not broken I guess... my bad!

Thanks for reading...

Have fun!


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babentman
Posted: October 28th, 2008, 9:55pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the input!


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slap shot
Posted: October 29th, 2008, 12:44pm Report to Moderator
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some things to like...interesting take...i'm not sure if i'm running for my life, i'm going to continue to hold on to a camcorder (especially one from 30 years ago)...work on your scene headings, int. tim's camecorder implies that the scene is to take place inside the camecorder...may be try int. tim's house - kitchen - day - handheld shot...usually "handheld shot" would be something determined by the director...but a solid effort overall...

peace,
db
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