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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2008 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - The Spirit Men
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  Author    OWC - The Spirit Men  (currently 4350 views)
MBCgirl
Posted: November 1st, 2008, 9:26pm Report to Moderator
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Some things are better left to the imagination!

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I wanted to thank everyone who read and commented on my VERY FIRST EVER screenplay   Good time to learn during the OWC one week challenge! I thought I would respond to your reviews and offer you a bit of background on why it is the way it is. =)

First...I chose Mt Erie, Wasington for it's small town feel. It really is a very Norman Rockwell area.  Additionally, from the top of Mt Erie, it is one of the few places in the world that there is an island with a lake and a smaller island in the middle of it.  The panaramic view from up there is incredible. To see this beautiful view  - copy/paste the following into your browser:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Mount_Erie_panorama.jpg


Walford - The northwest also has a very strong Native American or Indian heritage.  Lots of totem poles, etc.  For a story of this type...to use the word "indians" is exceptible.  Everyone I know growing up played cowboys and indians   I don't think this adolecent story needed any racism to make it work

Additionally, I suppose you could say it was a little too squeeky clean, but YA is from 12 to 18...I chose to work on the lower end of the age spectrum.  Everyone has their own individual taste, so I appreciate you sharing yours with me.

Pwhitcroft - I was incorrect in identifying the boy/girl twins as identical   Identical is same sex   oops!  I stand corrected.  Please read above about the island within an island

For Slabstaa   Fragmented sentences are fine and in fact usually make it easier to read.  I understand that everyone has their own preference, but I got my info from someone who has been writing for quite some time and so I went with their advice.  Either way is okay.

"We have to devise a plan."  My kids did talk like that... =)  Devise was a good word in our household. Ashton is the leader of this group...everyone seems to follow him and he is a little bit more mature than even Nelson is at 14.

I loved the idea of the indians turning to look up to where the kids are...that would be spooky!

Rhododendrons are a bush that has beautiful flowers...and they grow wild in the NW.   

Mythos -  the very fact that the ending is so opposite the rural, quiet, secluded and even a little, innocent setting, is why I made it that way.  No one would believe that 13 indians would return and take their revenge, but these kids did...Ashton, the ring leader said he believed, and wanted to go to the top of Mt Erie...but in reality he wanted to play a trick on the others using the elk caller.

I neglected to say how long it would take to get up to the top of the mountain.  It would take most of the morning and into the afternoon, but much easier to get down on bikes since it is all downhill Mr Soli also did not know where they were calling from and he didn't take them seriously anyway.

Hollister was actually written in to emply that the indians revenge was starting to happen around town.  I wanted to keep the horror...if you will - to the very last moment.

Sandra =  the object of this lesson was to write a YA genre story where there is a hoax and two kids know the truth.  The twins knew the truth and tried to tell their father the local police man, but even though he told the story every year...he didn't believe...maybe he lost it when he grew up...

Cazale -  The line about the indians stating that it was time for them to pay...was a twist on what Mr. Higgins had just said...surely I could have stated it in more of an indian fashion. Good point!

Tommyp -  I'm old...so I didn't think of adding words like "cool or sweet"...but I should have in order to make it more a part of today.  Good point!

Sniper - the time frame difference is due mostly to geographical elements.  They had to ride their bikes down the mountain, get home, eat dinner, put their costumes on and it's dark by 5:30 so trick-or-treators go out around 6:00 in Washington State.    

Plus...the spirit men come out at night...just like ghosts

Thank you again to everyone!  I certainly appreciate all your comments and glad that a number of you enjoyed it   

morgan


http://www.myspace.com/mbcgirl  

I love words and the fact that when the page is blank...there's nothing there until words are formulated in my brain. Those thoughts...rushing through my viens and out my finger tips, find "life" on the page.  

When people and places come to life...that to me is exciting.


MBCgirl =)
My finger nails should look nice while I type - Red works!
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: November 1st, 2008, 9:58pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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I LOVE rhododendrums!!!!

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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MBCgirl
Posted: November 3rd, 2008, 1:37am Report to Moderator
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I love them too!  Rhododendron's that is.  They have so many different colored flowers.  I used to have a doberman that used to like to catch the bumble bees trying to get their necter.   He would sit there hours snapping! lol

Be sure to copy paste in the url so you can see the view from the top of Mount Erie.

~m~


http://www.myspace.com/mbcgirl  

I love words and the fact that when the page is blank...there's nothing there until words are formulated in my brain. Those thoughts...rushing through my viens and out my finger tips, find "life" on the page.  

When people and places come to life...that to me is exciting.


MBCgirl =)
My finger nails should look nice while I type - Red works!
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: November 3rd, 2008, 1:59am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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I saw it and it's God's country-  the island with the lake in the middle and then another small island within that. A beautiful carving of earth and water.

Sandra




A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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MBCgirl
Posted: November 3rd, 2008, 2:18am Report to Moderator
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Shaped like an eye   

Time for bed now...

Cheers!


http://www.myspace.com/mbcgirl  

I love words and the fact that when the page is blank...there's nothing there until words are formulated in my brain. Those thoughts...rushing through my viens and out my finger tips, find "life" on the page.  

When people and places come to life...that to me is exciting.


MBCgirl =)
My finger nails should look nice while I type - Red works!
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mcornetto
Posted: November 3rd, 2008, 4:10am Report to Moderator
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Hey, I didn’t get to read this during the OWC so I thought I would check it out now.  First off, I think this is damned impressive for a first screenplay.  Well done, you did a good job.  

Secondly, I was just skimming some of the comments and I noticed that you had mentioned that identical twins needed to be the same sex.  It might be more likely but I don’t think that necessarily always true.  Identical twins refers to how the twins were created.  Identical means the egg split after it was fertilized and fraternal means that two eggs were fertilized.  I’m no expert on the matter but I don’t think just because they come from the same egg means they have to be the same sex.  I thought sex was determined much later than conception. I could be completely wrong. Anyway…

I found a couple of things that I think are issues with the script.  The first is the chattiness.  There is too much talking going on.  Show us these things happening rather than telling us about them.  

The second was the ending.  I think this script ended where it should have started.  Forget about the OWC and the challenge for a moment and imagine your script starting with the first attack.  Your reader would be caught up in the mystery and the action and you would have them.  

Then unfold the story about the spirit men, about the way their father wouldn’t help while they race toward a goal of saving a town.  You said they had a plan. What was it?  I wanted to see them try.  You need to tell your story but you need to keep me breathless while you are telling it.  It isn’t easy but I think you have the ability to do it.

One other minor issue was the brother.  When you introduced him you told us he was the brother but you never showed us.  Avoid things that are not filmable – this has to translate to a visual medium – you have to show us.

Overall this was excellent for a first try.  I look forward to seeing the scripts you write as you improve.

Cheers,

Michael    
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slabstaa
Posted: November 3rd, 2008, 4:25am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from MBCgirl

For Slabstaa   Fragmented sentences are fine and in fact usually make it easier to read.  I understand that everyone has their own preference, but I got my info from someone who has been writing for quite some time and so I went with their advice.  Either way is okay.  


Well obviously I am not a professional screenwriter

It's definitely not a no-no in writing scripts, so I won't condemn you.

It's all about preference.

Now write like the wind!  I want to see what else you can come up with.
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slap shot
Posted: November 3rd, 2008, 1:15pm Report to Moderator
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what's the most resilient parasite?

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quoted from the "spec format guide"...Sentence fragments are not only acceptable, they are preferred...write in short, simple sentences.  avoid the use of "and".

remember that when you submit a script, the person reading it has a stack of other reads in front of him/her...the easier the read, the better chance they will give your work a full viewing...

peace,
db
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Dreamscale
Posted: November 3rd, 2008, 1:20pm Report to Moderator
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Agreed 100%!!!!!  Why use "and" and other words like it, when all it's doing is taking up space, and making for a more difficult read?  Short, sweet, and commas instead of "ands".

Fade to Scalp!!!!!!


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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MBCgirl
Posted: November 3rd, 2008, 1:34pm Report to Moderator
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Some things are better left to the imagination!

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Thank you Cornetto for the review.  Obviously I need it!   I understand that I am (and probably will be) a bit chatty.   I am chatty in real life *wink

I think you gave me some really good insight to the story...it takes a bit to get your mind wrapped around the concepts, etc.  That is part of the reason I jumped in on the Killer Game.  I realize it's not perfect format, but it will help me to grow in understanding the concept of showing...not telling.

I will do a rewrite of this and I may need to pick your brain a bit as I go. Hope you won't mind.  

I already am putting together an outline for a comedy about internet dating. I used to write a lot of articles on the topic of dating and interviewed many a person...so I think there are many funny, if not dark humored elements to this form of meeting people.    

Thank you again for your insight. I certainly do appreciate it.
~m~  


http://www.myspace.com/mbcgirl  

I love words and the fact that when the page is blank...there's nothing there until words are formulated in my brain. Those thoughts...rushing through my viens and out my finger tips, find "life" on the page.  

When people and places come to life...that to me is exciting.


MBCgirl =)
My finger nails should look nice while I type - Red works!
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MBCgirl
Posted: November 3rd, 2008, 1:44pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from slabstaa


Well obviously I am not a professional screenwriter

It's definitely not a no-no in writing scripts, so I won't condemn you.

It's all about preference.

Now write like the wind!  I want to see what else you can come up with.



As I mention to Cornetto.  I'm working on a new one...that should be around 100-110 pages. Comedy genre that I think is still viable to viewers.  Does love win in the end...we'll have to wait and see.

Thank you for your review.  I understand what you are saying, but the beauty of a screenplay is it does not have to be gramatically correct in every detail.  Spelling is a big issue for me with a lot of scripts I read...and my own included...I really try to catch them...but sometimes you miss one or two after you read it so many times through.   

One thing for sure...I will keep working on it!  



~m~


http://www.myspace.com/mbcgirl  

I love words and the fact that when the page is blank...there's nothing there until words are formulated in my brain. Those thoughts...rushing through my viens and out my finger tips, find "life" on the page.  

When people and places come to life...that to me is exciting.


MBCgirl =)
My finger nails should look nice while I type - Red works!
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MBCgirl
Posted: November 3rd, 2008, 1:47pm Report to Moderator
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Some things are better left to the imagination!

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Thank you Slap Shot

I saw that post when you originally made it...and I was happy you did...sometimes we can second guess ourselves...

I admit I am still learning so I tend to make a lot of other mistakes...but I will keep this in my writing "key" selection if you will

Thank you again!


http://www.myspace.com/mbcgirl  

I love words and the fact that when the page is blank...there's nothing there until words are formulated in my brain. Those thoughts...rushing through my viens and out my finger tips, find "life" on the page.  

When people and places come to life...that to me is exciting.


MBCgirl =)
My finger nails should look nice while I type - Red works!
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MBCgirl
Posted: November 3rd, 2008, 1:53pm Report to Moderator
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Some things are better left to the imagination!

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Quoted from Dreamscale
Agreed 100%!!!!!  Why use "and" and other words like it, when all it's doing is taking up space, and making for a more difficult read?  Short, sweet, and commas instead of "ands".



I agree too...now that I have the concept down.  I don't use it in everything/ever instance...but it has become more the rule for me than not.

Thank you for the insight!

~m~



http://www.myspace.com/mbcgirl  

I love words and the fact that when the page is blank...there's nothing there until words are formulated in my brain. Those thoughts...rushing through my viens and out my finger tips, find "life" on the page.  

When people and places come to life...that to me is exciting.


MBCgirl =)
My finger nails should look nice while I type - Red works!
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MBCgirl
Posted: November 3rd, 2008, 3:13pm Report to Moderator
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Some things are better left to the imagination!

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Quoted from slabstaa


Now write like the wind!  I want to see what else you can come up with.


Hey!  If you want to see more of my writing, check out the SS Craven Killer Game Thread.  

I have written 2 pieces to that puzzle so far...it's an interesting tale to say the least...it's also a great vehicle for learning.  You might enjoy how it is going together since it is a collaborative effort.  

~m~


http://www.myspace.com/mbcgirl  

I love words and the fact that when the page is blank...there's nothing there until words are formulated in my brain. Those thoughts...rushing through my viens and out my finger tips, find "life" on the page.  

When people and places come to life...that to me is exciting.


MBCgirl =)
My finger nails should look nice while I type - Red works!
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MBCgirl
Posted: November 4th, 2008, 1:52am Report to Moderator
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Some things are better left to the imagination!

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Interesting review Pia...I felt like I got whipped with a wet noodle   

Thanks for the insights and I'll do better the next time...quaranteed!


http://www.myspace.com/mbcgirl  

I love words and the fact that when the page is blank...there's nothing there until words are formulated in my brain. Those thoughts...rushing through my viens and out my finger tips, find "life" on the page.  

When people and places come to life...that to me is exciting.


MBCgirl =)
My finger nails should look nice while I type - Red works!
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