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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2008 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - Dead Man's Party
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  Author    OWC - Dead Man's Party  (currently 1452 views)
Don
Posted: October 20th, 2008, 4:04pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Dead Man's Party by Bryan Mora (brymo) - Short, Young Adult, Horror - Murder, madness, mystery, and mayhem. Halloweenís more fun than you could imagine. - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  October 31st, 2008, 8:42am
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 20th, 2008, 6:16pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Yeah, as Pia said, there are ALOT of mistakes in here and they're the kind that cause confusion.

I'm not really sure if the majority of this is flashback or occurring after the 19 people get killed.  Could be set up alot better.

There's obviously alot of "Underworld" going on here.  Probably too big a story for 13 pages, but you made it more difficult by adding alot of stuff that doesn't go anywhere, and basicaly takes up space that you could have used more wisely.

I do think that there's a decent story in here somewhere, though.  There is some atmosphere that works, and you keep things ambiguoups for a long time, which ups the tension for me.  Pretty good effort, but it really needs a few more edits.


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stebrown
Posted: October 21st, 2008, 5:03am Report to Moderator
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I thought this was brilliant. Great descriptions and a really good concept. I'd have preferred it if you only had the vampires and left the wolves as vampire slayers, you know, asking an audience to believe in both vampires and werewolves is asking a little too much.

I think you missed the hoax part of the challenge. You had the invasion (of the party) and the two kids trying to save the day, but nobody was given the chance to think it was a hoax. Maybe if you had Emile follow Miley out of the party and then tell her the truth. He tells her not to go back in but she does anyway, and he goes to help. Together they try to convince Kayla, in front of Lance, that he's a vampire. She doesn't believe them and decides to stay. You could have a cool little shot of Lance's eyes as he holds Kayla (ala, the Thriller video haha) that shows that is the truth and Kayla's done for.

This is the best one I've read so far but can't give it top marks because you missed off the hoax part. I didn't spot any errors like have been mentioned (maybe, I was just too caught up in the story).

Great work!


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GM
Posted: October 21st, 2008, 1:57pm Report to Moderator
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The dialgoue was really good.

I just didn't believe that the werewolf would give a mid bite? That shows control. Most werewolf and vampires films, the person infected don't have control over it. The ending also, in my opinion, was weak. Why not show her fight?

In terms of requirements, the invasion- partially, the hoax - partially, two children - only one so you get half.

Mr. R.
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walford
Posted: October 21st, 2008, 11:48pm Report to Moderator
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Story wasnít bad but could tell what was going to happen. Maybe itís me but I didnít like your characters much. Didnít get to know them, sure, I recognised what they were, but it didnít care if they were eaten, munched on or whatever. They just seemed to complain about everything to each other, then lust after everything when they had finished complaining.  Then dialogue didnít move the story forward or give me an insight into the characters. walford
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MBCgirl
Posted: October 22nd, 2008, 1:19am Report to Moderator
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I LOVE the title

I believe this challenge - with only 13 pages to tell the story, sort of cramped its style...maybe with a rewrite...it could be much better.

~m~


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Cazale
Posted: October 25th, 2008, 10:56am Report to Moderator
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The bantering back and forth of the two main characters was funny.  I thought that helped flesh out the script and make the world.

I wasn't sure after reading this though how the first part fit in exactly.  If it were me, I'd cut the whole part with the newscaster out all together.  The ending was a little abrupt.  I wanted to know what happened next after they're both made into otherworldly creatures. that seemed to be more of the story there though that wouldn't have been able to fit in the 13 pages.  

Why did Emile warn Miley?  If he was interested in saving people why didn't he warn everyone?  It was kind of confusing how the wolves fit in.  If they were trying to save people why didn't they crash the party sooner?  Or were they looking to eat the people just like the vamps?  Vamps suck the blood out and the wolvies get the organs left over?  It just leaves a lot of questions.


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alffy
Posted: October 26th, 2008, 3:49am Report to Moderator
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Most problems have been covered already here, why did the werewolves wait, were they not trying to save people? The dialogue was really good but it left no time to tell a story, as a result it seems a bit condensed and the ending too short. I didn't see a hoax in there either.

Positives are that the dialogue was strong and your descriptions were good too. The concept was good, two fighting factions, werewolves against vampires. I think without a page limit this has the potential to be a lot stronger. A chance to build the backstory of the vamps and wolves.

A good effort.


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Spqr
Posted: October 27th, 2008, 3:42pm Report to Moderator
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A battle between rival "frats" that just happen to be werewolves and vampires is a great concept. Unfortunately, rather than an ongoing battle between the two groups to "recruit" the girls into their faction, we get some long scenes featuring mostly dialogue. Perhaps it would liven things up if the girls put up more of a fight to retain their humanity.
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bobtheballa
Posted: October 27th, 2008, 10:28pm Report to Moderator
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I think this would make a great beginning to a longer script. The beginning effectively builds tension thanks to the two girls in the alley, though the dialogue does try a little too hard at times (unless the script took place 10 or 20 years ago, I doubt the word "cliques" would be used by a 16 year old).

I think the script ends just when things get interesting, and more could have been done to show us why Miley (the 16 year old one, not the other one from the beginning) is so scared of staying at the party as well as why Emile is so interested in saving her. Maybe also a history between the werewolf gang and vampire gang... have they gone at it before? Why this location & day for such a big battle? What events led up to it?

In all, a well written script as far as vocabulary and visual imagery go, but it could use more substance. I'd like to have someone, whether it's Miley, Emile, the vampires, the werewolves, to root for while I'm reading but right now not enough is revealed about all of the characters to make me care about their fate.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: October 28th, 2008, 1:35pm Report to Moderator
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Beginning with the Anchor Woman and then flashing back I thought was good. It was dramatic with the police lights and all the action.

Onward in the story however it got to be very chatty and all the dialogue wasn't really necessary for what I think you wanted to accomplish.

This didn't fit the young adult genre.

The mystery man wasn't introduced properly when he was first seen.

Things became confusing for me as the story progressed.

I thought the logline was good, but it didn't fit the story.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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BryMo
Posted: November 3rd, 2008, 10:13pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks guys who  took time to read. I hadn't noticed the errors of names and other things(Age) after i finiished writing. I guess, like stepbrown, i was too caught up in the story to notice. And every point you guys made, i acknowledged before i sent it in. Guess i was too proud to not send it in after spending a good amount of hours on it. Thanks for all the suggestions.

I also liked the ideas with the vampire slayers instead of the the werewolves, stepbrown. Might use that.


Shorts:
Good Golly Miss Molly
No Place Like Home
New Moon Rising
Yuno - BRAND-*SPANKIN*-NEW!
The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody
Toy Soldier
This Modern Love
A Virgin State of Mind

A GUIDE TO MY LITERARY BABIES
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Zombie Sean
Posted: November 15th, 2008, 1:36pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this was a really good script, with great descriptions and great dialogue. As others have pointed out, you have constant mistakes of switching around Krysta's name, also saying Kayla, so you need to make sure you've read over your script to make sure stuff like that doesn't happen. At first I expected zombies, especially when it said that a person got up with no one noticing and they run off into the distance. And then I expected vampires when it said that the men's faces were pale in the moonlight, but I never expected werewolves, which I thought was pretty cool. I just hope it's not the kind like in Blood and Chocolate (or whatever) where they jump in the air and turn into a werewolf through a ball of light....

Sean


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BryMo
Posted: November 15th, 2008, 3:47pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Sean, thanks for the compliments.

Yeah, i REALLY need to make it a priority to take a break and read through it withoutadding ideas so i can catch spelling/and other mistakes.

I've never seen Blood and Chocolate. I remmeber wanting to but my friends never liked it and recommend i didn't watch it.

I guess with more time, i can do more..But seriously, who would make this?!?! lol


Shorts:
Good Golly Miss Molly
No Place Like Home
New Moon Rising
Yuno - BRAND-*SPANKIN*-NEW!
The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody
Toy Soldier
This Modern Love
A Virgin State of Mind

A GUIDE TO MY LITERARY BABIES
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