@Baltis - thanks, glad you liked it overall! Dialog - yes, will work on it, will appreciate any advise/notes.

@Jwent - all three are ghosts, went in, died and kept replaying the scenario every year. No one fed the house or made it scream - don't even know what you mean by that, maybe that part of writing was confusing - got to look it up.

@C m hall - thank you, so glad you liked it!

@Dreamscale - no reason to hold it in, I knew some won't like it, I posted it here to sample the reactions. thanks for the read.

Hi Khamanna,

Nicely woven ghost tale. I liked the story and characters and the ending felt more happy then bad, it was almost like a fairy-tale in a way. The whole house being able to bring out the worst in people was cool. With Louis being the arrogant rich boy that loves to flaunt his money ( I assume with the bet and the proposition ) about it I was almost expecting something ultra violent to happen to him but I'm pleased you kept things in a certain tone and mood.
The only thing that bogged it down I guess would be a couple of missed words/spellings but who doesn't do that? Nothing a quick rewrite wouldn't fix.

Good job!
Malc

1 - Story: What a fun story! Reminds me of Beetlejuice.
2 - Filmable & Budget: Easily. The caving in roof part adds some cost. Light CGI with the "fleshing out" parts.
3 - Horror & Audience: Not really horror. I don't know how to classify this. Spooky story? PG-13 but only for the blood. It's suitable more for a TV audience than a cinematic audience, IMO.
4 - Technicals & Format: Fine. A couple of typos.
5 - Title & Logline: Grand title. The logline's a little short. Might wanna e x p a n d that a little
General Comments:
A - The pace is herky-jerky rather than constant and fluid, although each segment itself is fine.
B - Establish the "demand" of the house as an entity itself, how it requires new "losers" to be conquered. Make the house more of a character they battle against.
C - Clarify why Greg and Clara did bring Louis into the house, but frightened away the new people. I get it - they were the last people to die in the house, but because they were decent people they couldn't be "conquered", thus... ! This might be an appropriate situation to explore what expositional voice overs can do for a story.

I have to agree with alot of what people said here. The dialogue was not as strong as it could've been. That's first. Characters, you clearly differentiated black from white which is all you can really do in a 10-pager.

The story itself was cute but just not executed as well as I think it could've been. A solid re-write and I think you're golden.

And, off-topic to other people who commented on this, why is it refreshing to see a happy ending in a horror story? After something horrific, people will never be happy like they were before the story begins.

I appreciate the read. Thanks:

@scoob - thanks for the read, wondering if you have a script in this challenge, I'll look it up and read if you do.
@thanks Ray, your critique is useful and I left you some comments too.
@Mr. Blonde - thank you, yes, dialog - I'll work on it. Thanks for an extra push.

Hey K,

Kind of going for a Betelgeuse sort of story here.  A friendly couple of ghosts.  I thought the basic idea was ok.  

What I didn't like about it was that the dialogue was too internal to the characters and came across as on the nose.

So, you have a good story here, it just needs some editing to streamline it more.  

I think the focus of the story is a little muddled. Is it about the grudge between Greg and Louis? The evilness of the house? Or the afterlife of Greg and Clara? I got little bits of each here and there, and as a result, none of them are really developed.

The beginning was good. Greg and Clara will get money from Louis if they can stay there for one night. Since the house will release the evilness in people, I expect more intense things to happen. Not that the murder is not intense, it's just that I didn't think the house made Greg do it. Greg and Louis hated each other already. If they were friends and Greg killed him for no reason, then I suspected it's the house's doing.

Great visual on page 7 and 8. We need more of those. It's creepy and it created a claustrophobic feel.

Then you lost me on the last 2 pages. Do we really need them? It's like the ending is dragging on. I understand both Greg and Clara were already dead, but I don't understand what they were doing. Haunting the house?

I hope you picked one thing to focus on so it can be more developed.

Herman

@mcornetto - Thanks Michael for the read. I'm glad you like the story (almost like sorta) and I am planning to work on the dialog before filing this one.
@Herman - good to see someone still reading these, especially someone who doesn't have his work in the pile - that's great.
As for the story - it's about the house vs the good people, the house could not conquer them. It did conquer Louis as fast as he got in - he tried to make advances at first but timidly, without letting Greg know. As soon as he got inside he was laughing and jerking around... and got killed. But I hear you, I thought of the other approach - no accent on Louis at all and decided to go against it. Thanks for the read.