Quoted Text khamannaI think it's very well written. And that's why I saved it and I'm going to study it and borrow from it (I mean it)

Wow, flattered to hear that.  Thank you.    Just remember when studying, don't change what you call the character's in your action and make sure you name everyone...  I've already been reamed over that twice by reviewers and once by myself.  

Quoted Text The very ending, almost the very last sentence - felt rushed - if constable is dead how would the audience know it's his blood - this is very rushed.

Wow again...  If that's how you interpreted that last part then I really didn't clearly state what I'd intended.  The Constable is not dead.  He is standing near his car, holding his gun, he hears a distant HOWL.  The blood running down the driveway is from his wounded leg.  Hmm...  I know I trimmed the wording on the action significantly in that scene from where it was originally.  I wonder if I accidentally omitted a line without realizing it.  My apologies for the confusion either way.

Quoted Text Dreamscale But in terms of the challenge, you did not use an abandoned house as your setting, which is a big problem.

This was actually a regrettable oversight on my part.  I initially misread or perhaps misunderstood the instructions, thinking that they were looking for an abandoned OR rundown house.  If I had known about this challenge from the beginning I probably would have scrapped this altogether and started from scratch, as this storyline wouldn't make sense in an abandoned house.  That setting would alter the context so drastically that it wouldn't be worth making cosmetic changes as they would have taken away from the story.  I did go back after realizing my mistake and drop in a few nuggets about the house to make it seem more rundown and a little less lived in.

Quoted from Baltis. "Malloy waits at the door; checks the sky.  He balls his fist to knock again"

"Malloy waits at the door. Checks the sky. Balls his fist to knock again" That's how I write. Is it proper sentences, feck no. Just my style. Adopt your own. be consistent. I've seen every rule of screenwriting broken in pro scripts. You probably shouldn't, since your amateur, But I shall always be one. Just think period gives more POP. To me it's about telling the story as fast as possible.

Your slugs are all full. Jeff will defend them, but I rarely see them anymore. Once you establish your time of day, no need to attach it to the end til it changes. When moving from inside a structure you can just use KITCHEN as a slug or PARLOR. Just make sure you double space as a normal slug would. CONTINOUS is a tuff one. I rarely understood its meaning. I've adopted it when using a Point Of View shot that I want to continue through several locations....

EXT. ABANDONED HOUSE - NIGHT

MONSTER'S POV

Everything is void of color. The frame rushes the house. Launches towards the picture window. CRASH.

INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

The frame races towards the kitchen.

KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

The monster see's its victims hiding under the table...

Blah, blah, blah.... Is this right? Fuck me if I know. That's just my style. Anywho... Onto story. Oh, and Jeff will be back. Your threads probably gonna go through the roof.

I liked this alot. You did a nice job of playing us as to who was the real werewolf. The constable checks the sky, has to be somewhere. Then, We find out it's the professor. Premonitioned by the maids sadness. I hoped for a second that they were both werewolves. Professor knew. Made him. And brought him there to kill them both.

The constable should discard his real bullets in his gun before loading the silver. If I misread that. My apologies. Guessing, being bitten, he will turn into one next. The story goes on. Just wished you could've brought the finality to it that I mentioned. Rare for a short, but you had some extra pages. Just my suggestion. Either way, welcome to the boards. Great short. Probably my fave thus far. Give it a friggin title.

Oh and, Sorry about the argument that will continue on this thread.

James


Also, comment on some scripts, just say nice job if your too timid to be critical. If you show your face, you'll get more reads.

Quoted Text "Malloy waits at the door. Checks the sky. Balls his fist to knock again" That's how I write. Is it proper sentences, feck no. Just my style.

I really don't think either is wrong.  Nor is your earlier example with the dashes.  Just a matter of style preference.  I think it looks more aesthetically pleasing one way, you find it more so another.  I prefer to use commas when there is a slight pause in a flowing action.  Him waiting, checking the sky, going to knock... it's all one continuous motion with slight hesitations.  If I do want that POP that you were referring to, that's when I'll use a period.  It depends on the rhythm of the scene, the type of action, if it's a big action followed by another big action or if it's a few small fidgety actions like in this sample.

Quoted Text Your slugs are all full. Jeff will defend them, but I rarely see them anymore.

I have always and will always use full slugs.  To me, it just breaks up the action better than KITCHEN in all caps with nothing else around it.  It's a more definitive breaking point.  Again, it's something I've seen done many ways in many scripts by many writers at many levels.

I use continuous (and I forget where I learned this, it was many years ago) to either show a flowing scene from one room to the next... example would be walking out of one room and into another.  There are also instances where I write a sequence in which the action is broken up between two locations... for instance, John is at a bar and it's DAY.  He's talking about how Phil is outside smoking.  Next scene, we see Phil EXT. BAR - DAY, he's smoking, chats up a lady.  Then the next slug is back inside to the bar and John is still engaged in the same conversation, seated on the same bar stool, talking to the same dude... then I'll use a CONTINUOUS to show continuity between this and the other INT. BAR scene.  I'm not sure if that's something that's outdated, as like I said I picked it up a long time ago, but I've continued to use it when the situation seems appropriate.

I never use POV in a spec script like this.  In a shooting script, absolutely, but not in an ordinary screenplay.  As much as we'd like to be, we're not (currently) directing this scene, just writing it.  However, I do try and cheat it when I can and word my action to suggest a POV shot without actually slapping those dreaded letters on the page.    If you give your script to a director, he does not give a shit about your camera angle ideas and shot suggestions, so don't waste valuable space on the page by trying to direct the scene.

Quoted Text The constable should discard his real bullets in his gun before loading the silver. If I misread that. My apologies.

Um... oops.    Good call, you didn't miss a thing.  Now that you mention it, I guess I just took it for granted in the scene that he was going to dump his bullets first and neglected to include that line.  Pretty sure it was clear enough though that a director would be able to figure out.  If not, then when we're on the Comic Con panel and the question comes up, I'll just say that it was my brilliant back story idea that the Constable's policeman father once shot himself in the foot while drawing his weapon and ultimately died of infection, therefore the Constable never keeps his gun loaded... Next question...

Quoted Text Also, comment on some scripts, just say nice job if your too timid to be critical. If you show your face, you'll get more reads.

Don't worry, I will be.  I actually just got home from work, have to start editing the footage that I shot for my short film over the weekend, so I'm going to be pretty busy tonight.  However, I plan on taking a few breaks here and there, during which time I'll go back to batch one and start reviewing.  Thanks for the suggestion, I'm right there on that page with you.  

Welp, good show. You seem to be pretty firmly established. Sorry, Kinda treated you as a newbie. Like when I first came here. Got conflicting info all the time.

If you shoot some shorts and publish them, send them to Don. He'll throw them on the site and they'll get way more hits. Cheers

James

Brian,

Congrats on finishing the one week challenge!
Your narrative is straightforward and easy to understand.
You chose a classic scenario and played it out well.
I was a bit confused by the end. I guess the Maid is involved too? =p
I would have liked more set up and perhaps some history between your two males.
The end feels a bit unclear. but it seems you set yourself up for a sequel.
Clear, concise read, looking forward to more of your material.
Thanks for the post!

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from stevie Good stuff Brian!!  Didn't mean to be so abrasive in my post, but we are getting sick of people submitting stuff and not reading others. Welcome to SS!! Cheers stevie

Don't worry, didn't take it as abrasive, I knew exactly what you were getting at.    I understand how that would be annoying.  But I'm here to be here and I intend on treating the board properly and respectfully and putting in as much as I get out.

Thanks for the "abrasive" welcome!  

1 - Story: Pretty good. Nice set-up for a standard werewolf tail... er, tale.
2 - Filmable & Budget: Yes, but will be very expensive for the sequence given to do it proper. I'd hate to see the BBC production of this. Ha!
3 - Horror & Audience: Yep. Big ol' audience collecting everything in the genre. What's here is PG-13. A full feature should be R. Failed on multiple challenge criteria, but the more I read these entries the less I see that as being less important than it's an inspiration. You write as if inspired. This is more of a sequence than a complete story. As a proof of concept it would be expensive but should look pretty good although weak. It's interesting and lightly entertaining without being grandly original or clever.
4 - Technicals & Format: Good.
5 - Title & Logline: Title is descriptive. A little on-the-nose, though. Juss jokin'. Please think of something clever. Logline's a little... "train cars on a track". Craft one a fair bit more sexy and sinewy.
General Comments:
A - Keeping the maid as MAID is fine by me (support your reasons given in comments), but I'd likewise knock off the names to PROFESSOR and CONSTABLE as well. It would both bring consistencies to roles and read a wee more sprightly.
B - There's a big audience for this material and subject. You write well. If you can bring a great twist in perspective and approach consider making a feature with this being an opening sequence.
D -         CONSTABLE MILLOY
    Most of those details were not made
    public.

        PROFESSSOR ATWELL
    I am informed of many things that
    are not public knowledge.

Classic adversarial conversations have opponents use the other's words as counter, with a little dig:

        CONSTABLE MILLOY
    Most of those details were not made
    public.

        PROFESSOR ATWELL
    I am informed/knowledgeable of many
    things not made public, constable.

With this period and graphic novel material you can comfortably keep to theatrical, semi-wooden dialog.

I liked it. A straightforward and simple tale of a werewolf trying to prevent killing more people. I think what makes it work is the crisp writing. It was an enjoyable read.

I hope you should use the extra two and a half page to provide us with more characters and backstory. It's okay right now, but it'd more interesting if you can allude to us what and how did the Professor became conscious of his werewolf identity. I thought they don't know they are werewolves themselves usually.

Very good job.

Herman