Abe, Cindy, E.D., Murphy, Balt, Khamanna, Gary, Michael, Michael, Stevie, Ryan,

Thanks for the reads!  If I haven't yet read your OWC scripts I promise I will.  I think I've got about 10 left to go.  I'm glad it was largely enjoyable.

Quoted from Abe from LA \ Last and this is just something we should all think about when writing a script, watch for characters sounding alike.  Graham and Mara are kind of interchangeable.  Maybe you can give one of them more distinction in speech pattern or using certain phrases.

Agreed.  One thing I considered while writing was trashing Graham altogether and if I revisit this that'll probably be the first thing I do.

Thanks again everyone.

Greg

Hi Greg,

I liked this. I wasn't so sure until the ending but that was the big pay off and it worked for me. "Nice" to see an entry with Old Scratch involved in the mix.
The story flowed really well.
I also like that you didn't really delve into Graham and Mara's disease but did mention that Mara had been caring for him on some level at some point. That makes it all the more sinister and paints the picture the old man obviously knew what he was doing well in advance.

Good job!

Malc

I thought this was all right. That mean, old bastard sure has a mouth on him, huh? Reminds me of a chapter for a story I wrote once where, on average, every three and a half words, "fuck" was said. It was ridiculous.

Anyway, despite the dialogue, the story was cute and yes, it was preachy. But, I'll accept that. I'll go along for the ride. The ending wasn't really surprising, but did they read the wrong verse of something? Unless the mean, old bastard was always Satan, in which case, why didn't he do whatever he was going to do sooner?

You kind of lost me, there, but it was still good enough for me. =)

Hi Greg, this was written well, the story was very visual, and the setting was atmospheric. But I had a hard time discerning the character's motivations.

I understood that Mara and Graham were worshiping Satan and used the Old Man as a sacrifice, but I didn't get why they were doing that and what they wanted to achieve. I mean, all these stabbing and flesh-cutting were horrific to see, but this felt like the characters were doing them for the sake of doing them, or the plot tells them to.

I also didn't get the ending. So the Old Man was reborn? Or he got possessed by Satan? And why were Mara and Graham's dialogue in V.O.? Where did they go? What went wrong that they were screaming No!?

I think a few more pages would flesh out these story points.

I enjoyed it still. Good job.


Herman

Scoob, Blonde, Herman,

Thanks for the reads guys!

Quoted from Coding Herman I also didn't get the ending. So the Old Man was reborn? Or he got possessed by Satan? And why were Mara and Graham's dialogue in V.O.? Where did they go? What went wrong that they were screaming No!?

The ending: The verse called for a human sacrifice (and all the ritual stuff) for Mara and Graham to be freed of their inner demons.  The twist I was going for is that instead it's Mara and Graham that are sent to Hell and Satan is allowed entry into the sacrifice's body.  So in essence, the complete opposite of the verse happens (so the screams from the fire and M&G burning, the "younger" old man is Satan reborn, he waves his hand and the fire goes out, etc).  

Thanks again for reading, guys.

Greg

Greg,

Pretty good entry here. Gonna echo some comments, I didn't like that Graham and Mara were so grotesque. It won some sympathy from me. Not what you were trying to do, I don't think. Also, I think you should have used some extraq pages to explain what was wrong with them.

Maybe if they sacrfice the old man out of greed. For money. He pleads for his life offering them everything he has, yet they still decide to sacrifice him. Would make the ending a bit more satisfying.

Anyways, Probably wins my vote for most disturbing of the entries. I agree with Ryan that the chants were nicely written.

You seemed to have played inside all of the rules. Good job there. Few did. Nice OWC

James

Hey Greg, congrats on completing an OWC script.  Looks like I missed a few...so I'll get to tehm all now.

This was OK. The writing was awkward in many places and confusing in others.  You continually used lines that included references to "the guy's" whatever, which really sounded odd.

The chants sounded real, and that made it disturbing.

I can't say it worked, though, as the ending doesn't really tell us anything, and if I didn't read your comments, I'd be clueless as to what happened in the end.

Good effort though!

Greg,

This was good. I think it'll be the OWC I read as I'm burned and I gotta start writing again.

Anyways, read well, few errrors, always a fine sign.

I could see the ending coming, not sure I git it tho, er.

Rich coming from me I know, I try and be mr. wonder wut hppened myself.

Anywasy, I read again, it'll click. Personally, I blame the parents.

Good work fella. Keep it up.

R oxi

1 - Story: Pretty good witchcraft story.
2 - Filmable & Budget: Easily filmable on a light budget.
3 - Horror & Audience: Human sacrifice horror. R rating due to language (wouldn't have noticed it if others hadn't pointed it out in comments. I have a sailor's mouth myself. USNavy training.) and graphic violence. Pretty large B-movie audience for this material. I've been watching a lot of horror movies lately (not my usual fare) and devil/witchcraft/psychopath slasher all get <$2M mini-budgets and terrible actors. I dunno. Challenge criteria held to pretty darn well.
4 - Technicals & Format: Good and great.
5 - Title & Logline: Title is a bit silly. Logline states the couple is possessed which is never established in the story.
General Comments:
A - The actual exchange terms or understanding is unclear despite the old man's suggestive warnings.
However, you risk exposition in attempting to clarify this in dialog.
B - I didn't have a problem with the language, but I'm a very vulgar person.
C - Shoulda made the old man a deacon at the church that "failed" making the couple whole.
Maybe not from a standardly respected church.
Maybe he could be the leader of some whacked-out, traveling tent evangelical church where five thousand dollars and a couple rattlesnake bites later Graham and Mara remain or have grown "disenchanted".
D - Just watched Raimi's Drag Me to H3ll the other night. I think you've created a kernel of that story's sub-structure. Gopherit!

James, Jeff, Ren, and Ray,

Thanks guys for your reads and your thoughts!  I'm glad it was mostly enjoyable.  

Again - if I missed anyone's OWC please let me know.

Greg

Got lost and found myself here...with a nice little script. Looks like maybe an old OWC. I liked it. The Old Trickster does it again! It could have been a little better if the killers were a little more torn about what they were doing. After all, they were former church goers, people down on their luck and desperate, who gave up and went to the dark side. But this was a very nice little script, glad I found it.

Hey Kevin,

Jeez, this hasn't surfaced in a while.  Yeah this was an old OWC and I agree on the characters.  I think if I were to redo this I would get rid of Graham and put more development into Mara.  Plus it's only 6 pages so there's room to play with.  

Thanks again for the read and I'm glad you enjoyed it!

Greg