A View From The Sled by Phang Tu - An old sled gains a new owner on Christmas Day.  Short, Family

An odd collection of elements here in a breezy read. Feels a little shaggy, but not unpleasantly so.

One thing that I found a little too easy is that Sled always seemed to have the "right" perspective on everything and everyone. There wasn't a huge sense of personality because, so often, the things that Sled is thinking are also things that we, the audience, are thinking. For example, when Sled notes that the bully kid is a jerk, that doesn't really add much for us -- we're thinking the same thing. I think it would serve this short better if Sled had a more surprising perspective on these events. Because --

The other thing I'd say is that we don't get to know enough about Sled to understand why the final fit is the right fit. We can definitely see why it's a *preferable* fit, but what is it about these two that really draws them together and makes them the perfect pair, and how can we see that throughout the short?

Anyway, fun and cute. And a smooth read, more or less -- the one thing that bumped me was Mr. Kelp saying he'd pay any price if Sled was a Flyer or whatever. About the worst bargaining move in history.

This is an interesting take on the theme that 'one man's trash is another man's treasure'. Its hard writing about  children and giving their characters full development without underplaying or overplaying the elements of time. Children move through these stages of development quite rapidly. What may seem relevant and 'ok' today, could very well be disregarded tomorrow.

And mixing a blend of children of different age groups becomes ticklish since you have some kids who have moved  beyond the locale and theme. And other kids who haven't moved at all.

And then you add adults to the equation, some of whom may be able to relate. And others who can't.
The mixture makes for a story with value.

Ahoy writer,

Aww, "A thing which is a sin to one is a blessing to another."

Well, first of all, you’ve exceeded the page limit, but no worries -- not gonna hold it against you. Secondly, didn’t find it that amusing. Third, warren reminds me of some young writers who are so rude, inconsiderate. Regardless of whether it's comedy or drama, my problem with this (well not really problem) is a lack of sympathy for Warren. His character is also a bit of a jerk, and I was hoping for the story about him becoming less of one with him signing his name on the sled in the end. That said, your ending works. So overall I liked the story and its message...

I love this little story.. I do think that Warren's reaction was a bit over the top. I think we would care more for Sled if he'd felt forgotten and like trash at the beginning. When Warren was unhappy with his gift... it made it more 'ok' when the other kids were mean to him. I believe with a rewrite this could be more streamlined and it would be even better. Love the 'Rosebud' ..nice homage to Citizen Kane. Good job, writer.

Another one that goes over the page count but as there are so few entries, I won't hold it against you.

I like the idea of this, it just feels rushed. Even though you use the extra page, we only get introduced to Rosey on page 6 and then you have to wrap it all up so suddenly, everything is great! You spend a while introducing a lot of characters that are hardly in it and Warren is such a jerk for so long, yet he doesn't get any comeuppance or learn to appreciate anything so there is no feeling of closure.

I think it would have worked better if there was more development of Sled. Sled doesn't have anything much to say apart from the obvious like, "Oh wow, this kid is a jerk" which just reflects what we see/think. If you spend more time developing sled and focusing the story on fewer characters, I think you'll be onto a heartwarming little Christmas tale with a message.

Hi writer

I couldn't connect with this at all, Sled didn't add anything with his dialogue and we spend most of it with Warren who is utterly dislikable. You can cut a lot of the ancillary characters and fluff to get to the heart of the story quicker and have the space to explore it. Focus more on Warren and Rose and make us feel more for Sled and his lifetime of abandonment before finding the right home with Rose.

nice idea but the story is lacking for me.

Best of luck

Christmas corny, season's soup.  "a tear in his eye, I guess."  The connection to "Citizen Kane", interesting, maybe contrived.

I like the name Mr. Kelp. That's funny all by itself. The part where Warren jumps on the poor sled was good, too. Rose Bud/Rosebud was a nice touch at the end. And it was cool that the sled ended up where it belonged. Overall, this was a reasonably enjoyable script.

A few small things. The opening line mentions stores, shops, and local businesses. All of these things are basically the same, so some extra words can be cut out. At another point, it is stated that the bikes "pose." This seems like a strange choice of words. There is opportunity to streamline the scenes in the bike shop and on Snake Hill.

I feel like the sled was a secondary character in the story instead of being the main character.

The spoiled brat was annoying and the parents were stereotypical.

I wish Rosey was more prominent in the story so we have a hero to root for, but she seems like an afterthought.

I was trying to see the connection to Citizen Kane, but if there is one, it eludes me.

Good job finishing a script!

I really loved the setup and atmosphere of this. Definitely a top pick for me.

Nothing quite like a spoiled brat at Christmas time and parents desperately trying to find that all important popular must-have gift - you presented that scenario nicely.

I think we needed more of two things: (sorry if I'm continuing the broken record trend) - more Rosie at the top, more Warren learning a valuable lesson I.e., sometimes the not so brand spanking new device can win the race. Great moral here, just wanted a bit more payoff. Would have loved a sour-grapes shot of Warren seeing a girl win to boot, before he stomped off, in contrast with the triumphant Rosey.

Really enjoyed it, regardless!
Great character names too.

Oh, and nice lil'ode to Citizen Kane.  

Writer,

Well, now that was sweet. Warr Warr was a real douche, wasn’t he now? Anyway, a cute little tale that could have used a trim. There was no need at all to go over the page count, and had I entered I would have been inclined to DQ this story. But no worries. Anyway, nice tale with a happy ending. Liked this!

Steve