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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April 2016 OWC  ›  Altered Egos - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Altered Egos - OWC  (currently 2201 views)
DanC
Posted: April 26th, 2016, 1:33am Report to Moderator
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Killing villains since 1980!

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It was funny, but, I didn't get the power, and I'm not sure you followed the rules.  

I agree with what everyone else said.

7/10

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Cam Gray
Posted: April 26th, 2016, 7:25am Report to Moderator
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Agree with the rules comments, I had to ditch my first idea because of it...that being said it was a good read! Really liked Batman, turns out it's pretty easy to laugh at him saying his own name over and over again.

Liked it, well done, but the rules break is a bit contentious so may have to rule it out


23 Mu Muís in an ice cream van...
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: April 26th, 2016, 3:48pm Report to Moderator
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Some good lines in this. Enjoyed the read.

Not sure what I think in the rules as that was a whole of options not open to me.

But, it made me laugh. Nice use of repetition with batman


My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
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Ryan1
Posted: April 26th, 2016, 11:04pm Report to Moderator
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Great title, and a couple funny lines.  I was hoping the new guy would have a funnier power, but whatever.  Solid.
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khamanna
Posted: April 27th, 2016, 12:38pm Report to Moderator
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It's a sketch. Reads funny but the ending is kind of bland for me. I'd prefer a funny line or maybe they could do something funny. Or not funny but do something that would give the whole thing a better ending.

It doesn't have one protagonist and that's fine with me.
As a stand alone entry - I don't know. Probably you should tell us from the very beginning that these do look like superheroes. Did you - maybe you did and I missed it.
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James McClung
Posted: April 27th, 2016, 4:05pm Report to Moderator
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Mixed feelings about this one. The central concept is clever, and the superimpose device was genuinely surprising and a pretty impressive meta move. I'm kinda shocked at how effective it was and how it still made us of the alter egos concept. It seems like such a likely device to fail miserably. The writing was decent too, so I'd propose the overarching themes were well-done.

That said, while the twist nearly saved it for me, I think the majority of script relied too much on corny puns and one-liners and neglected to dig deeper into the alter egos concept, which frankly had a lot of potential. I'm also not sure you needed to use preexisting characters. Some of the puns make use of their respective personas, but many don't. I'm not sure the ones that did were worth it anyway. Batman voice gags have been done to death at this point.

High highs and mediocre lows on this one. I wish it had been a little more cohesive, especially since the bits that worked worked fantastically. One of the better entries for me though.


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EWall433
Posted: April 27th, 2016, 5:05pm Report to Moderator
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I really enjoyed this one. The banter between the superheroes was the best part. It seems like you know their personalities well. The only thing holding this one back is the page length and Superimpose Man. The script isnít really about him and the meta-humor felt tacked on, even though I liked the joke. This could probably benefit from an expansion and more of an actual story. Whatís here is good, it whet my appetite for more, but it feels too open ended.

And PS for those saying this script broke the rules. The original post said you could use established heroes for cameos, but not as the main guy. This one kind of rides that line, as Superimpose Man isnít as front and center as he could be, but I donít believe the presence of known superheroes was intended to be automatically disqualifying.
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Dustin
Posted: April 28th, 2016, 4:54am Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder...

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I can see some liking this, although it's a little too cutesy for me. I can also see the production costs of this being very high if you want things to look realistic. The Hulk and chair scene would be difficult to film. You'd have to find a really big guy, else you'll have to use nifty edits that will look obviously fake. It's fun to take part in these challenges, but I believe a part of that challenge is writing a script that can be produced. Does it stand up outside of this OWC? To my mind, the answer to that is, no. Not without a rewrite.

The idea of a superhero self help session has been done in numerous sketches over the years and is always worth a laugh. I agree that Superimpose Man actually spoils this and for this to work correctly it needs to be more current with the popular culture surrounding superheroes today. Perhaps Batman's issue could be that he is always portrayed with an excessively deep voice, when in real life, his voice is fairly squeaky. Stuff like that.

So, that's why it doesn't work for me. It isn't current enough. The Superman dick joke would be a good opener, but things have to ramp up and get smart quickly from the common dick joke.


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PrussianMosby
Posted: April 30th, 2016, 4:47pm Report to Moderator
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First page is a super intro into your world. Then the prot gets active a little late.

Hard to judge: I think boys would love such a superhero parody, but only if you do it in an extra-class performance of punch line after punch line of gags who work exactly with that specific target audience. So, all dragging and too intellectual, like the whole Superimpose Man stuff, would have to leave imo. Just think about the impatience of the viewers you address your material to. Good concept and definitely not unfunny for my taste.


In the Head of the Driver (3p - drama, sports, SF)

Those Infinite Wolves††(8p - psychological horror)

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Patrick
Posted: March 12th, 2018, 2:11pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this, personally I would have added a "hulk smash" line. But overall a great read. I think this could work as a animated cartoon.


Patrick J Gillespie
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eldave1
Posted: March 12th, 2018, 5:56pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks - appreciate the read


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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HyperMatt
Posted: June 13th, 2018, 4:08am Report to Moderator
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Nothing like reading a genuinely funny short on a laborious train journey to work. I really enjoyed this, and not just because I grew up as a big comic book nerd.  Itís a great male ensemble. There are some nice interactions. Liked the Michael Keaton ďIím BatmanĒ gag. I like the way some the heroes were played against their type, e.g. Spider-man being a foul mouth asshole.
When I first started reading, I presumed this was actual mental patients that thought they were superheroes, then realised theyíre the real thing. Spider-manís webshooters and other stuff would be hard to do. I think this make an unconventional quaint animation.
The idea of Superimpose Man was quite clever; I wish I thought of something like that.
Nice work.


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eldave1
Posted: June 13th, 2018, 9:59am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from HyperMatt
Nothing like reading a genuinely funny short on a laborious train journey to work. I really enjoyed this, and not just because I grew up as a big comic book nerd.  Itís a great male ensemble. There are some nice interactions. Liked the Michael Keaton ďIím BatmanĒ gag. I like the way some the heroes were played against their type, e.g. Spider-man being a foul mouth asshole.
When I first started reading, I presumed this was actual mental patients that thought they were superheroes, then realised theyíre the real thing. Spider-manís webshooters and other stuff would be hard to do. I think this make an unconventional quaint animation.
The idea of Superimpose Man was quite clever; I wish I thought of something like that.
Nice work.


A blast from the past - thanks, mate - glad you enjoyed it.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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