I liked the premise and the opening page or two were quite good and I actually laughed - a nice feat.

I felt that the PR guy was too blue collared. He should have been a more button down Marketing Manager type but his dialogue was more of that of a construction worker.

SPOILERS

It went off the rails for me a bit with Vagina Woman and Tongue Woman. You start with this great premise that Erection doesn't mean Erection in the way you originally think of it. So - Vagina Woman needed to be: "Pussy Woman" - she saves cats. RANDOLPH - "but of course she does." Same issue with Tongue Woman. i.e., you lost the thread of the story when you stopped with the double intendres.

Over all - a pretty good effort.

Writer,

This didn't work for me. Decent premise, but you spent so much time making the branding guy the one in charge of dispensing all the funny lines. Problem is, they weren't that funny because you buried your punch lines in way too much dialogue. If you'd kept it short and sweet I think some if those lines would've worked better. Not to mention, I waited to find out what Vagina Woman's power is and you literally slammed a door in my face! Not good! Good effort though.

Steve

I think the writing here is solid.

Decent premise I guess, but it quickly became very one-dimensional. It's essentially just the same joke over and over, and there were other avenues you could've explored to make the jokes less predictable.

Lots of puns and word play and funny in parts.  Didn't really get to where it might have gone.  If the guy had actually taken the job...well

I can’t agree the majority of the comments but as most seem to really like this just take this as personal taste and ignore at your leisure.  For me this whole conversation started with me thinking, “What an idiot, why doesn’t he change his name to Construction Man?” Although this is a comedy, I still like a viable setup. He’s miserable and hates that people misunderstand him but doesn’t do the simplest thing to fix it.

So I was in a bad frame of mind when reading this. I became aware this script is just two people talking and a lot of sexual innuendo, which is great for a sketch but doesn’t really work for me on its own in a short. It was one joke repeated over and over.

There’s no demonstration of powers, no villain or conflict. We never find out what Vagina Woman does and never will, as there’s no honest alternative explanation for that name. As others have mentioned, even Beaver Girl would have been better.

Sorry, this one didn’t ‘do it’ for me but it seems I’m a lone tumbleweed in a desert of chortles and guffaws.

-Mark

Well...I read the whole script...so that's some good news.

You obviously followed the challenge parameters, with a super hero and comedy, so that's also positive.

Basically, we have a talking heads skit with humor that's minor hit and major miss, though, so in the end, I can't be overly positive...although it's much better than many of these.

I had high hopes for it - the premise is funny and the dialog is pretty great too. I thought you could trim it a bit, but it's very funny.
You let me down though with the ending. Or the lack of it in my opinion.
All that set up and no pay off, I thought.
I had high hopes.

Laughed out loud on this one. Good set up, jokes and banter between EM and Randolph were on the money. Wish you could have thought of a similar name for his wife rather than the obvious Vagina Girl, but still....  

Better Vagina Woman than The Pink Pussy Kat I 'spose.





Suggestive sex jokes- the hallmark of old school sitcoms . Hit or miss. Luckily, this one is mostly a hit. A guilty pleasure to read.


Nice work.

Probably the most striking title, so plus point of course.

P2 dialogues' content is repetitive.
Actually, the complete first 4 p could be 2 pages only, imo.

Two points: While I liked some of the humor, I think you need some raunchy visuals relating to the subject likewise. Second, I think you also need a climax or at least a massive last punch line. But it's still charming...

This is going to be a hard review. Considering the subject matter, I was hoping the laughs would be real nut busters. Unfortunately, Erection Man came up short. My main problem was Erection Man didn’t seem to know what it was doing. A story should progress steadily to a satisfying climax, but Erection Man just pounded away at the same plot point over and over (“Help me” ”I won’t” ”Please” ”No”). As far as humor, Erection Man one blew its load on the main joke right up front, then kinda just limped along until it was done. It wasn’t a total loss. There was pleasure to be had, but I was left disappointed at its conclusion.

P.S. Not one of those puns was intended.

since the votes are largely in and I'm not in the running i'm happy to out myself on this one.

not my finest hour   but i enjoyed writing it, and that was all the time i had permitted. It was one of the scripts i would have written differently ten mins after submitting, let alone after feedback.

One thing i tried to mention in the longline section was that this was a sketch.iE not a story per se but i make no defence of the script short comings, in fact i was surprise to see some love for it. I was bracing myself for the worse.

Not sure i will spend much more time on this but i suppose it would be cheap and easy to film .... once re written  

thanks for everyone's reads, its what makes the OWC special.

And thanks Don for putting another one of these on for us.

Alright Reef Dreamer,

I wouldn't be down on it, I had this in my top five. Great title and the constant innuendo had me going. By the look of things folks are going for a pretty funny script that was really well written, I had you above it on laughs.

Comedy is really subjective I guess, I'm a fan of silly dick jokes so this was up my street

Bill,
     I thought you did a great job.  I had this rated as my second fav (behind Johnny come Lately) so, I thought you did a very solid job.  Again, you did way better then mine.  

So, yeah, I think you should fix it up and submit it to Janet on STS.  It'd be easy to film and that's always a good thing.  

I'd be happy to read any rewrites for you.

Dan

Quoted from Reef Dreamer One thing i tried to mention in the longline section was that this was a sketch.iE not a story per se but i make no defence of the script short comings

Oh, you did put "sketch" in there - I missed it, sorry. I liked it. I know I mentioned the ending - if it's a sketch it doesn't need one.