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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April 2016 OWC  ›  Erection Man - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Erection Man - OWC  (currently 2701 views)
Don
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 9:56am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Erection Man by 0 - Short, Comedy, Short, Sketch - Depressed and unappreciated, Erection Man meets up with a branding specialist to give his image a much needed lift. 6 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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cbead
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 10:19am Report to Moderator
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Well written piece. Dialogue driven with some witty lines.

You shouldn't get stiffed with this one


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Equinox
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 10:30am Report to Moderator
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In case I was supposed to get what she does, I have to say I missed it. Other than that, quite a funny dialog.


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Dustin
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 10:35am Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder...

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I laughed at the title... and then at the logline.

Liked the twist in that he erects buildings. A little confused on whether this is a US or UK writer. If I had to, then I'd say this is a writer from the UK. A decent effort, nice job.


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irish eyes
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 12:39pm Report to Moderator
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Title and longline sets it up for a world of Innuendos

Although the dialogue was pretty preDICtable( see what I did there) it was still a fun read and an enjoyable Superhero.

Good job on entering


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DanC
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 1:00pm Report to Moderator
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This was funny.  I enjoyed all of the innuendos.  I thought you could have taken it further, er longer.  You could have had him in flashback playing with his erector set and loving it too much...

It was funny.  You did a good job.  The dialog was good.

Not any action, but, that's okay for a 6 pager.

8/10


Please read my scripts:
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I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

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Wes
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 1:50pm Report to Moderator
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Funny. Moves quickly. Good dialogue. Although I have to agree that a lot of the jokes were predictable.
I'd love to keep reading. What does Vagina Woman do? And Tongue Girl?


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James McClung
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 2:40pm Report to Moderator
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What a strange, inconsistent, sometimes stupid, sometimes brilliant little short.

The conflict and corresponding double entendre at the center here is brilliant. The quips that come along with it are about half and half. Some land ("That must chafe"). Some don't ("Juggle three balls"?).

I would go ahead and cut every single instance of Randolph *realizing* he's made a pun by making an "err" sound or adding some follow-up line. They make the jokes seem forced where they don't need to be in the slightest. I mean, all the jokes are sorta corny, obvious and effortless. Like anyone's gonna miss them. By cutting them, you'd also have the added humor of Randolph being just completely oblivious to what he's saying, despite how obvious it is, thus making the lameness of the jokes sorta work to your advantage.

I'd also cut the Vagina Woman/Tongue Girl references, as well as Randolph's names that aren't double entendres (Sir Hard On, Phallus Man). They're not that funny, really, but the main thing is they hurt the running Erection Man joke, which is the best thing you have going for you. I mean, by pairing Erection Man with those names, the double entendre is removed completely, since at that point, you're forced to read the name in no other context but the sexual one. I'd come up with better names in keeping with the dual meanings, e.g. Box Woman or Snatch Girl. Those aren't great, but at least you could read them multiple ways.

Also, where are the stakes here? Randolph is dismissive right from the start and doesn't let his guard down. Somehow, this seems lost on Erection Man, which I'm not sure why since he realizes he's dismissed by everyone else. In any case, there's no point, at least to me, where it seems like Randolph is gonna help this guy out, so we're basically just watching a guy beg the whole time.

Dig the central premise, but a mixed bag for me.



Revision History (1 edits)
James McClung  -  April 26th, 2016, 9:52am
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stevie
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 3:54pm Report to Moderator
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Damn, the title made me 'stand up straight' and almost gave me the horn...

Had real potential this but doesn't quite make it for me. Not enough funny lines. I think with a high concept idea like this, you need to keep the one liners and stuff pumping full on (no pun intended lol).

Writing was good but i didn't laugh as much i hoped

4 laughs out of 10


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Conz
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 4:12pm Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed this one until the mention of "Vagina Woman."  To that point the innuendo was reasonably clever (despite the "on the nose" name)  and I enjoyed the Randolph character, but the unimaginative "Vagina Woman" just bugged me, and that took off the rails.  You attempted to save it with the closing line, but it still bugged me.

Still, there was some good back and forth... which is not innuendo


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 5:23pm Report to Moderator
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Some good and witty banter here and the idea that he needs a re-brand has good potential.

As a couple have mentioned, I didn;t like the shift away from innuendo with Vagina Woman... too OTN, maybe Beaver Woman would have kept to a similar tone?

Good effort


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
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Ryan1
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 9:08pm Report to Moderator
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I liked the premise more than the execution.  Not bad but could have plowed deeper into the subject matter.
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stevie
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 9:13pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Ryan1
I liked the premise more than the execution.  Not bad but could have plowed deeper into the subject matter.


Roger that, RL  


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IamGlenn
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 6:28am Report to Moderator
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0,

Probably one of the better titles. By page five, this has been just a long conversation, one man ribbing the other because of his name. It's funny, I get that, but it gets a little repetitive. And it goes on til the end, with the added bonus of Vagina Woman. Not one for me. Too much talk, not enough substance.

Good luck,

Glenn.


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Cam Gray
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 7:14am Report to Moderator
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It's one hell of a long conversation, but the wang laden innuendo is somehow charming. Missing some proper laugh out loud momments, but it's a good read


23 Mu Mu’s in an ice cream van...
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eldave1
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 12:04pm Report to Moderator
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I liked the premise and the opening page or two were quite good and I actually laughed - a nice feat.

I felt that the PR guy was too blue collared. He should have been a more button down Marketing Manager type but his dialogue was more of that of a construction worker.

SPOILERS

It went off the rails for me a bit with Vagina Woman and Tongue Woman. You start with this great premise that Erection doesn't mean Erection in the way you originally think of it. So - Vagina Woman needed to be: "Pussy Woman" - she saves cats. RANDOLPH - "but of course she does." Same issue with Tongue Woman. i.e., you lost the thread of the story when you stopped with the double intendres.

Over all - a pretty good effort.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

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StevenClark
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 10:25pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

This didn't work for me. Decent premise, but you spent so much time making the branding guy the one in charge of dispensing all the funny lines. Problem is, they weren't that funny because you buried your punch lines in way too much dialogue. If you'd kept it short and sweet I think some if those lines would've worked better. Not to mention, I waited to find out what Vagina Woman's power is and you literally slammed a door in my face! Not good! Good effort though.

Steve


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Trojan
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 11:40pm Report to Moderator
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I think the writing here is solid.

Decent premise I guess, but it quickly became very one-dimensional. It's essentially just the same joke over and over, and there were other avenues you could've explored to make the jokes less predictable.
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RichardR
Posted: April 26th, 2016, 8:49am Report to Moderator
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Lots of puns and word play and funny in parts.  Didn't really get to where it might have gone.  If the guy had actually taken the job...well
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 26th, 2016, 9:30am Report to Moderator
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I can’t agree the majority of the comments but as most seem to really like this just take this as personal taste and ignore at your leisure.  For me this whole conversation started with me thinking, “What an idiot, why doesn’t he change his name to Construction Man?” Although this is a comedy, I still like a viable setup. He’s miserable and hates that people misunderstand him but doesn’t do the simplest thing to fix it.

So I was in a bad frame of mind when reading this. I became aware this script is just two people talking and a lot of sexual innuendo, which is great for a sketch but doesn’t really work for me on its own in a short. It was one joke repeated over and over.

There’s no demonstration of powers, no villain or conflict. We never find out what Vagina Woman does and never will, as there’s no honest alternative explanation for that name. As others have mentioned, even Beaver Girl would have been better.

Sorry, this one didn’t ‘do it’ for me but it seems I’m a lone tumbleweed in a desert of chortles and guffaws.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Dreamscale
Posted: April 26th, 2016, 9:50am Report to Moderator
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Well...I read the whole script...so that's some good news.

You obviously followed the challenge parameters, with a super hero and comedy, so that's also positive.

Basically, we have a talking heads skit with humor that's minor hit and major miss, though, so in the end, I can't be overly positive...although it's much better than many of these.


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khamanna
Posted: April 26th, 2016, 3:50pm Report to Moderator
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I had high hopes for it - the premise is funny and the dialog is pretty great too. I thought you could trim it a bit, but it's very funny.
You let me down though with the ending. Or the lack of it in my opinion.
All that set up and no pay off, I thought.
I had high hopes.
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Blakkwolfe
Posted: April 27th, 2016, 9:20pm Report to Moderator
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Laughed out loud on this one. Good set up, jokes and banter between EM and Randolph were on the money. Wish you could have thought of a similar name for his wife rather than the obvious Vagina Girl, but still....  


Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: April 28th, 2016, 10:33pm Report to Moderator
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Better Vagina Woman than The Pink Pussy Kat I 'spose.





Suggestive sex jokes- the hallmark of old school sitcoms . Hit or miss. Luckily, this one is mostly a hit. A guilty pleasure to read.


Nice work.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
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PrussianMosby
Posted: April 30th, 2016, 4:44pm Report to Moderator
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Probably the most striking title, so plus point of course.

P2 dialogues' content is repetitive.
Actually, the complete first 4 p could be 2 pages only, imo.

Two points: While I liked some of the humor, I think you need some raunchy visuals relating to the subject likewise. Second, I think you also need a climax or at least a massive last punch line. But it's still charming...


In the Head of the Driver (3p - drama, sports, SF)

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EWall433
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This is going to be a hard review. Considering the subject matter, I was hoping the laughs would be real nut busters. Unfortunately, Erection Man came up short. My main problem was Erection Man didn’t seem to know what it was doing. A story should progress steadily to a satisfying climax, but Erection Man just pounded away at the same plot point over and over (“Help me” ”I won’t” ”Please” ”No”). As far as humor, Erection Man one blew its load on the main joke right up front, then kinda just limped along until it was done. It wasn’t a total loss. There was pleasure to be had, but I was left disappointed at its conclusion.

P.S. Not one of those puns was intended.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: May 9th, 2016, 4:50am Report to Moderator
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since the votes are largely in and I'm not in the running i'm happy to out myself on this one.

not my finest hour   but i enjoyed writing it, and that was all the time i had permitted. It was one of the scripts i would have written differently ten mins after submitting, let alone after feedback.

One thing i tried to mention in the longline section was that this was a sketch.iE not a story per se but i make no defence of the script short comings, in fact i was surprise to see some love for it. I was bracing myself for the worse.

Not sure i will spend much more time on this but i suppose it would be cheap and easy to film .... once re written  

thanks for everyone's reads, its what makes the OWC special.

And thanks Don for putting another one of these on for us.


My scripts  HERE

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Cam Gray
Posted: May 9th, 2016, 5:34am Report to Moderator
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Alright Reef Dreamer,

I wouldn't be down on it, I had this in my top five. Great title and the constant innuendo had me going. By the look of things folks are going for a pretty funny script that was really well written, I had you above it on laughs.

Comedy is really subjective I guess, I'm a fan of silly dick jokes so this was up my street


23 Mu Mu’s in an ice cream van...
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DanC
Posted: May 9th, 2016, 1:46pm Report to Moderator
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Bill,
     I thought you did a great job.  I had this rated as my second fav (behind Johnny come Lately) so, I thought you did a very solid job.  Again, you did way better then mine.  

So, yeah, I think you should fix it up and submit it to Janet on STS.  It'd be easy to film and that's always a good thing.  

I'd be happy to read any rewrites for you.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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khamanna
Posted: May 10th, 2016, 2:54am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Reef Dreamer


One thing i tried to mention in the longline section was that this was a sketch.iE not a story per se but i make no defence of the script short comings


Oh, you did put "sketch" in there - I missed it, sorry. I liked it. I know I mentioned the ending - if it's a sketch it doesn't need one.
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Dustin
Posted: May 17th, 2016, 10:31am Report to Moderator
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Hey mate, this one has some promise. Nice opening joke and would work very well as a sketch.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: May 18th, 2016, 4:06am Report to Moderator
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thanks all

at first i was going to leave at that, but I'm at home with sick child today - what fun that is - so may have a re look.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 19th, 2016, 5:46am Report to Moderator
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Sorry, I too missed the sketch note. As a sketch I think it works quite well.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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