|
Author |
Vigilante - OWC (currently 2309 views) |
Don |
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 10:02am |
|
|
AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16438 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Vigilante by 0 - Short, Comedy - A serum has been developed which removes the power of superheroes, can Vigilante make do without his? 6 pages - pdf, format |
| Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.
------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
|
|
|
|
|
grademan |
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 2:10pm |
|
|
Been Around
LocationWisconsin Posts872 Posts Per Day 0.16 |
Hard to follow the story through to the end, a little blurry at times. But a couple of funny scenes in the simulation make up for it. Although I'm not sure I caught the ending correctly. Water girl was going to clean up? |
|
|
|
Reply: 1 - 21 |
|
|
Wes |
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 2:44pm |
|
|
New
LocationOakland, CA 94602 Posts164 Posts Per Day 0.04 |
I'm confused. Karren is shot but she isn't? There's a bullet but not really? But Karen is bleeding? Who is Dr. Jekyll in this story? Why is he abusing Stuart Little's furry white ass? Where did all that come from? What antidote? When was Vigilante drugged. Have his super powers been taken away or haven't they? Is this a crime taking place or a movie being shot? Or some sort of police practice scenario? Sorry but this one is difficult to follow. |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 2 - 21 |
|
|
SAC |
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 4:48pm |
|
|
Of The Ancients … but some dreams do
LocationUpstate NY Posts3208 Posts Per Day 0.78 |
Writer,
Decent effort, but not much in the way of comedy. I suppose I get what you're going for but it never really takes off and is actually kind of depressing in the end!
Steve |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 3 - 21 |
|
|
AnthonyCawood |
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 6:26pm |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4323 Posts Per Day 1.13 |
This was a little hard to follow at times and didn't seem very comedic.
Felt like it was a scene from a larger piece. |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 4 - 21 |
|
|
MarkItZero |
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 7:10pm |
|
|
Old Timer
Posts1007 Posts Per Day 0.34 |
The concept is pretty solid. Pompous hero having to deal with the indignities of not being super powered. Just needed a little more polish and clarity for some parts. The ending in particular I'm assuming was meant to be comedic but comes off as depressing.
|
| That rug really tied the room together. |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 5 - 21 |
|
|
stevie |
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 8:38pm |
|
|
Of The Ancients
LocationDown Under Posts3441 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
Had a vague idea what it was about but it still didn't tickle my funny bone. At all.
0 laughs out of 10 |
|
|
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 6 - 21 |
|
|
irish eyes |
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 8:55pm |
|
|
January Project Group There`s too much blood in my alcohol
LocationUpstate New York Posts1865 Posts Per Day 0.36 |
No laughs here and not easy to follow. More of a drama.
Sorry maybe it's just late but I couldn't get into this and I re-read some parts twice.
Good job on entering |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 7 - 21 |
|
|
IamGlenn |
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 8:46am |
|
|
January Project Group :)
LocationDublin, Ireland, Europe, The World. Posts692 Posts Per Day 0.20 |
0,
Didn't quite get this one. Also, quite a few typos. Feels rushed? Nothing really makes a lot of sense. Not one for me.
Glenn. |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 8 - 21 |
|
|
eldave1 |
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 12:22pm |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
I liked the premise. That being said, I got lost right away and had to re-read the opening a few times to get everyone n the right space.
Can't say that I laughed.
|
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 9 - 21 |
|
|
Dreamscale |
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 4:45pm |
|
|
Guest User
|
First line - "dimply" - REALLY? Next passage ends in an orphan. Another orphan a couple passages later. Not looking good.
Missing commas in the first passage after the dialogue makes it read completely redonckulous.
Top of Page 2 - "I'm will not warn you again - -" - Yeah, I will not warn you again either, as I'm out right here. Looks like this wasn't even read over a single time, which ain't gonna cut it. |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 10 - 21 |
|
|
DanC |
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 8:57pm |
|
|
Old Timer Killing villains since 1980!
LocationBuffalo NY Posts1131 Posts Per Day 0.34 |
Sorry, but, this didn't work. It wasn't funny. It wasn't clear what was going on.
Sorry, but, it just didn't work.
Dan |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 11 - 21 |
|
|
RichardR |
Posted: April 26th, 2016, 9:12am |
|
|
Posts889 Posts Per Day 0.26 |
retraining a superhero seems like a sound concept. But this one didn't quite get there. |
|
|
|
Reply: 12 - 21 |
|
|
MarkRenshaw |
Posted: April 26th, 2016, 9:49am |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.58 |
This one read more like a drama but the opening scene in the bank had me gripped. From the reveal of the simulation onwards, I started to lose the plot. I think with a bit of work this could be a good short drama or a comedy, I think you have options for both here but as it is, it doesn’t quite work for me at the moment.
-Mark |
| For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK |
|
|
|
Reply: 13 - 21 |
|
|
Cameron |
Posted: April 27th, 2016, 5:44am |
|
|
Guest User
|
There's a few typo's, but I can forgive that as generally liked it. A couple of proper funny moments, especially when our hero's essentially talking to a pane of glass. Worked for me |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 14 - 21 |
|
|