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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April 2016 OWC  ›  Monsanto Man - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Monsanto Man - OWC  (currently 1950 views)
Don
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 10:06am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Monsanto Man by 0 - Short, Comedy - Kirk is exposed to chemicals and radiation at a Monsanto plant giving him powers to cause plants to grow extremely fast. But can he escape from the Monsanto people before they harness him for their own greedy purposes?  6 pages - pdf, format


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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Mr. Blonde  -  April 24th, 2016, 10:20am
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irish eyes
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 1:09pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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Long logline... We don't know who Kirk is, usually best to leave the name off.

Not easy to keep track, but funny in parts like Rhonda pissed with everyone making themselves feel welcome in her house..

Overall it was pretty good, not the greatest writing but still it worked

Good job on entering


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DanC
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 1:30pm Report to Moderator
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Killing villains since 1980!

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Some errors, especially at the beginning with typos and incorrect words or tense.

Parts were really funny.  His girlfriend was the best part of the story.

It was funny.  If you look past the errors, it had some good dialog.  Again, his GF was the best part of the story.

6.5/10

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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khamanna
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 2:22pm Report to Moderator
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The idea behind it is funny and original but Mosanto Man is not something for me.
I think its because the way it started. I don't see the question here, don't stay suspenced. So I don't know what to wish for when I read it.
I see the Mosanto Man running away - but I'm not engaged because I don't know him, thus it's hard to root for him.
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StevenClark
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 7:43pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Seems very rushed. Still, it's fun in a quirky way, but I found this to be more action/adventure rather than comedy. A few site gags that have  me a smile or two, but that's about it.

Steve


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stevie
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 8:10pm Report to Moderator
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Look, I tried to get into this but couldn't. Great concept but...I started skimming and when that happens in a 6 page short then there's a problarmo

0 laughs out of 10


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MarkItZero
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 8:20pm Report to Moderator
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Tough to follow the story. He's for some reason talking on the phone with a reporter rather than calling the police or better yet running away... random people are showing up at his house... it's just too scattered.

Need to focus it and hone the dialogue. Stick with him and the girlfriend. Maybe open on him running into the house, going on about this crazy story while she's all confused. Then he shows her his powers, Monsanto people roll up looking for him, they escape in a vehicle... something like that.

    


That rug really tied the room together.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 12:32pm Report to Moderator
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where's my simply scripts thong?

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Probably not the cheapest one to film, but that wasn't a criteria.

A few writing and format issues, but mainly the issue is a lack of focus. You have six pages, well for this challenge, so keep it limited and simple.

Making things grow fast, sound idea. Now where would that be difficult and funny??

All the best


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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hawkeye
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 12:48pm Report to Moderator
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Was a bit scattershot for my taste, didn't have the laughs I was looking for.  So he winds up as a pot grower with huge plants. Is that a superhero power or just some sort of a mutant thing?  The writing was okay, just needed a little oomph in the humor department.

Verdict: pass

THanks for entering - best of luck.

Gary


My web site and scripts can be found here:

Gary's web site
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Ryan1
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 1:32pm Report to Moderator
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I found my attention starting to stray around page 2.  The idea was pretty good, but the story didn't feel cohesive enough.  Might have worked better if Kirk was just a guy trying to grow weed at home and failing miserably and then he gained his powers.  
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eldave1
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 1:32pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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First - many kudos for a great premise - the power to grow plants - nice!

It fell off the rails for me at Orgasmo man - there was simply no need to introduce other super heroes and it derailed what was otherwise a solid premise.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 4:42pm Report to Moderator
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I just couldn't get into this one, not sure why I guess it just didn't flow for me.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Nomad
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 11:45pm Report to Moderator
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There wasn't really anything funny about this.  It was just on the other side of funny.  It was almost there, but...alas.

I wish you had done more with the Monsanto angle.  Irradiated corn was good but you could have taken is so much further.

Congrats.

Jordan


Read my scripts here:
SOCIAL EXPERIMENT 8pg-Drama
THE BRIDGE 8pg-Horror
SCHEISSE 6pg-Horror/Comedy
MADE FOR EACH OTHER-FILMED
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Trojan
Posted: April 26th, 2016, 12:35am Report to Moderator
Been around a while


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I don't know if it was just because this was rushed, but there's a lot of issues in this script.

Typos, grammar, slug lines, dialogue, there's a lot of mistakes here.

Make sure your characters don't all sound the same. If you're going to have a particular speaking style e.g. "Wha'd ya" (which is incorrect, but that's another issue) don't have multiple characters saying it.

Interesting concept, but I didn't find this that funny.
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RichardR
Posted: April 26th, 2016, 11:14am Report to Moderator
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Had possibilities but ran into cliche after a while.  Nice super power though.  
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