All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Reminded me of the film Dead End starring Ray Wise.
This had no surprises for me and lacked a descriptive atmosphere. You spend more time describing people in the diner that have no purpose to the story than the diner itself. I think they should be swapped.
More pages can add more flavour here. This isn't an original story, it's been done to death, but you should put your spin on it a bit more. Have more back and forth between Jimmy and D, the silence is boring to me.
It's well written, as others have said, but I feel like it will simply get lost in the pile by the end of the day as nothing really "stands" out.
Why is there a space before your period in the 1st passage?
"D"? Oh man..c'mon now. Did you realize how obvious all this is?
"windscreen"? A Brit, obviously.
Wow...look at your sentence structure. Literally almost every single line begins with a character's name, or he, followed by the action they're doing. Writing is just not good at all, and this is so obvious, so cliche, so been there, seen this, I'm actually kind of surprised.
This is a tedious read. Damn...you'd think this would read so quickly, but it's like reading a shopping list over and over.
All this "stuff" happening in the car is beyond wow. Like, WTF is going on? This is a Mustang, for Christ's sake. You know how small the back seat is? None of this could be going on and no way to film it...or see it.
The End. Well, I read the whole thing, but it was a real chore and a real bore. This has been done to death and nothing here makes it feel any different. No likeable characters, no surprises. Not for me.
To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
The opening is a little rigid, the descriptions could use some work and the dialogue isn't all that great. It is memorable though, which is important for the end.
The car ride itself was the center piece, which is what you were probably going for. You created suspense with the foreshadowing, and I like the variations this go around, which you also foreshadowed. I like the stylized technique, especially with the body bag. Kind of David Lynch.
The only confusing part for me is why is the woman being punished too? Because she's as much in hell as Jimmy if she's forced to live through this over and over again. Or is she the manifestation of his guilt?
The length suits it, the tone and pace are good, there's nothing bloated about it and nothing really missing. Nicely done, I like it.