Nice intro for Elmar.

Numbers are supposed to be spelled out, unless they're large (999,999, e.g.). Plus, we already know he's talking to the driver. If you needed a parenthetical, it would be to indicate that he's talking to himself.

"(into phone)" This is when you need a parenthetical. Good job.

Quoted Text ELMAR (into his phone) Wait a second. I'm confused. Did your screen I[-]D'ed me as your Orthopedist when I called?

Grammar. Not sure "orthopedist" needs to be capitalized.

disparate * adj. * dissimilar; things so unlike that there is no basis for comparison.

desperate * adj. * feeling, showing, or involving a hopeless sense that a situation is so bad as to be impossible to deal with.

Which one is it?

Quoted Text ELMAR (CONT'D)

Code Then why the hell are you telling me about your Lumbar verteb-fuck problems?

Huh???  

Quoted Text ELMAR (CONT'D) I don't care, Tony, if [you] break your whole spine and spend the rest of your life in a wheelchair[] --

Chuckle-worthy line, though. Work on your grammar.

"Sir[--]"

"Goodbye[!]" Impact. But don't overdo it.

Code DRIVER Sir, you need to leave.

Code BATMAN I'm considering it.

I Don't care if you wrote this in five seconds, this many errors (and within the first [Gasp!] two pages) is inexcusable. Not a good start.

Code ELMAR Fuck[,] no.

Code ELMAR Sure as hell the lights said "Free" when I got in, so I'm not going anywhere[,] buddy.

I am. Next time, proofread.

Pass. 1/10