Help 91 by Utah Kintumi - Short, Thriller, Drama - A limo driver gets his revenge on the actor who beat him for a prestigious film role. - pdf, format

Not bad, nice to see a comedy. It is a bit of slapstick imh. Thriller/Drama noted on your description. I'd say comedy/drama. Met the challenge. Now all you gotta do is get a MS lookalike to play him. Unless of course... Well, good luck with that!

SPOILERS AHEAD

Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh dear.

I assume this is meant to be "funny" - but it is so badly written that I spent most the ten pages shaking my head in disbelief.

Where to start...

So, a big film star in a sequel, is in a shitty hotel room? The intent is to show that even success isn't all that it's held up to be - but seriously? Apart from any other consideration, if the setting is LA as later indicated, chances are the star would live there and would be picked up from his home not a hotel.

The script gets off to a bad start with this and goes downhill...

For a start - limousine is not spelt that way! Once might be a typo, but clearly the writer didn't have spell check on as it is incorrect throughout the script!

The dialogue and situation is just unbelievable nonsense - without some grounding in reality it can't be funny (assuming it is meant to be and we're not supposed to take this seriously).

How does Kyle check his gun while driving - how many hands has he got?

How does Chad "lean forward" in a limo? A taxi, yes, but limo's are long - that's the point - and he'd hardly likely be sitting right up by the driver (normally there'd be a partition operated by the passenger as well).

Why is Chad going to a premiere alone? Why doesn't he know the name of the theatre?

I'd be here all day picking holes in the script - it is that bad. The ending is incomprehensible - Chad seems to be more concerned with missing the premiere than the fact that he could die - I had to read it three times to check I hadn't missed something.

0 out of 5 I am afraid.

Hmm... it sucked me in for the first page, but then it fell apart. Completely and utterly. Everything about it is random. I'm wondering if the writer was on acid when they wrote it. I stopped at page 3.

A pass.

I think if someone was in danger they would write 911 first. The capping of sounds distracted me a tad. I didn't recognize the music so that was lost on me. You didn't have to use a real director.  Not really a thriller since no grit.

Not bad, not great.

Not for me.

Spoilers: of course

Hmmmm... interesting.  Obviously a regular on SS.

A few thoughts.  Style-wise, I'd combine a bit more of the sentences. Right now, they feel a bit terse and chopped up. Merge a few, and IMO they'll flow more.

Putting Scorsese in there?  Um, budget-wise pretty unlikely.  
I DID really chuckle at the line "I've seen better acting in a Roger Corman movie"
Though - damn - given his temper tantrum, Kyle deserved getting booted off set, you ask me.

I expected this script to veer left, and have it turn out that Kyle was faking, and proving what a great actor he really is.  Which I think would've been a nice twist, if you revisit it!  

Quoted from wonkavite Spoilers: of course Putting Scorsese in there?  Um, budget-wise pretty unlikely.   I DID really chuckle at the line "I've seen better acting in a Roger Corman movie"

I assumed that this was an in-joke as Scorsese made a film for Corman...

Hey Utah,

Your writing style seems pretty solid and works for me, the material however doesn't.

Firstly Scorsese doesn't fit the brief price wise (unless he's doing you a favour), and then it just kinda flies all over the place. Half of it just seems to be random build up, only to be followed by something related to the brief.

So style good, content bad.

Cam

Sorry, this one isn't for me, either.
Couldn't hold my attention, so I had to quit reading...

Cindy

I got through the whole thing but I just don't care for it.
What's a successful actor doing in a heartbreak hotel?
What actor looking for his first break screams at a famous director?
May as well go completely over the top with all of it and turn it into a comedy.

Nick Jonas ringtone gets CAPS but not John Lennon - inconsistent and very wrong

Why is Chad in that bad a hotel room at the start, i though he was a successful star?

Anyway... this didn't really work for me, felt a little abrupt in terms of setup but I did like the idea of Kyle being delusional and psychotic.

Quoted Text CHAD DARREN, a dashing Hollywood actor, 38, sleeps without a

Quoted Text Chad's agent, JIM, answers.

Not a promising start - on page one and already two unfilmables.

Got to page 4 - it's just kind of going off the rails for me. I think it had a great premise, but the execution needs work.

I was wondering if I'd be able to pick anyone on style alone and I have to say I'm pretty sure who owns this

Didn't quite work for me unfortunately. I found the dialogue on the nose at times. Chads lack of emotion in such a situation is a bit unbelievable.

I'm sorry, but I'm out o the top of page 2, as the dialogue and setup is so unreal.

Your description of this "actor" leads mr to believe he's an actual "actor", yet he's staying in some HEll Hole for God Knows Why.

Doesn't ring remotely real, and I just can't go on, whether or not it meets the challenge or turns out to be good.

Writing is not good either, and I can't go on.

Grade on Page 1 and top of Page 2 - D-

Sorry....not for me.