haha, 'I don't think you have the balls'

That looks AWESOME!!! lol.

It's from "The Onion Movie".  It's something along the lines of "Kentucky Fried Movie" and "Amazon Women on the Moon", but not quite as good.  Still funny and worth a rental though.

The Cock Puncher clips pop up throughout the movie.

I love the Onion.

The article on the 3rd graders' performance of EQUUS is perfection.

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33792


I Think I'll Drive The Kids Up To The State Park To See This 'Glory Hole'

By Eugene McTaggert
November 12, 2003 | Issue 39•44
Eugene McTaggert
Article Tools

I try to be a good dad, but even so, I've been noticing this family drifting apart. We don't talk as much at the dinner table. We don't spend Sunday nights playing Clue as often as we used to. Our set of matching fishing poles is just collecting dust in the closet. I think this family needs to take a nice day trip. I know Bryan wants to go to the aviation museum, and Hilary loves the petting zoo in Greenwood, but I've got a better idea. I keep hearing about this "Glory Hole" up at the state park, and it sounds like just the thing.

I was going to clean out the garage this weekend, but the chance to commune with nature, standing in front of a Glory Hole, sounds far more alluring.

Before you know it, the kids will be going off to college. I want them to see some amazing sights while they're still young. Some parents don't care about providing their children with an education, but it's important to me. A trip to see this Glory Hole might be even more enlightening than our recent trip to Ruby Ridge and the Porcupine Mountains.

Before we leave, I'll do some research on the Internet, to get some details. I'll find out if we should bring any supplies, like flashlights or rope. I wonder if we need to pack a lunch. I'd hate to get all the way to the Glory Hole and find out that there's nothing to munch on for miles. We can bring some protein bars either way.

How did I hear about the Glory Hole? Well, when I took Skipper to get his nails clipped, I overheard one of the groomers talking about it to Don, who had his poodle in for a shampoo. The groomer said the Glory Hole was "mind-blowing," and Don said he was definitely going to check it out. When I asked them about it, they clammed up. They always seem to be clued-in to the newest restaurants and art museums, so I'll bet they wanted to keep the Glory Hole a secret. Well, for once, the McTaggerts are in the know!

This Glory Hole must be really something, if people are so reluctant to talk about it. I remember being the same way when I found that great sub shop on Oberlin Avenue. Unfortunately, I have a feeling that this Glory Hole is something I won't be able to keep to myself. Hold on to your seats for some great vacation photos!

A few guys at the gym had great things to say about the Glory Hole, but as soon as I told them I was taking my wife and kids, they didn't want to talk about it anymore. I had to wheedle the guy who works at the gas station to get him to draw me a map. He told me that there aren't any highway signs leading to the Glory Hole, and said I should head straight to the park's rest station. If I keep my ears open, he said, I'll find the right spot.

When I told the gas-station attendant that it would be my first time over on that side of the park, he warned me to be careful. He said things can get a little rough. Well, I told him that I love getting out there with the wild animals. I don't know anything about the Glory Hole, but I think it's thrilling to be out there in the dense underbrush, not knowing what's around the next bend. I'm ready and willing to explore.

Yep, I can't wait to hit Highway 87 with a cooler full of ice-cold Capri Sun. It's only a two-hour drive. The kids and I can have some fun in the car, singing songs and playing games, while my wife takes a nap to rest up for all the activity at the park. Then we can all pile out and blow off a little steam.

When the kids get home from school, I'll tell them to put on their old clothes, so they don't have to worry about getting dirty. After all is said and done, I bet they'll be talking about our trip to the Glory Hole for years to come.

It's the best thing I've seen him in in years.


Phil

Second-Graders Wow Audience With School Production Of Equus
January 25, 2006 | Issue 42•04
NEWPORT NEWS, VA—Second-grade students at Franklin Elementary School impressed parents, teachers, and fellow students with their recent production of Peter Shaffer's Equus Friday.

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Second-Graders-C.jpg
Alan Strang (Kyle Keever, 7) prepares to blind a horse (Kate Piper, 7).
The avant-garde play, described by audience members as "adorable," was originally produced in London in 1973. The story revolves around troubled 17-year-old Alan Strang, played by Kyle Keever, 7, and his encounters with his psychiatrist after he blinds six horses with a metal spike. The play focuses on the causes underlying a seemingly senseless act of violence, and forces characters and audience members alike to confront questions of responsibility and ultimate meaning.

"The kids loved it," teacher and director Michael Komarek said. "Once they stopped screaming about horses getting their eyes gouged out and realized that it was just a launching point for more complex ideas about alienation from the modern world, they rolled up their sleeves and dug right in."

Despite its truncated 30-minute length and shoestring budget, the production—which received a standing ovation from a sold-out crowd of 65 in the school cafeteria—attested to the resonant themes of Shaffer's play.

"They really made it work," said proud parent Melanie Keever. "The producers achieved a very convincing effect of real blood spewing from the agonized animals' eye sockets using Karo syrup and red paper streamers."

"It tasted good, too!" said Kyle Keever, who was unable to resist licking some Karo syrup off of his hands during the eye-gouging scene.

With only nine speaking roles, there was some concern that the children wouldn't all get parts. However, the dream sequence—in which therapist Martin Dysart appears as a gold-masked pagan priest ritualistically cutting children's hearts from their chests—enabled every member of the class to get some stage time.

There were several moments of unexpected levity, such as 7-year-old Cheyenne Behling's inability to pronounce "Agamemnon."

"I had fun," said Behling. "I got to wear a fake beard."

Calling the show a "real hoot," the audience cheered the players on as the psycho-sexual nightmare unfolded. Many said they were pleasantly surprised by the deft execution of several more mature scenes, such as Jill and Alan's abortive sexual encounter in the stable.

"I am so proud of Bailey," said Roy DeForest, referring to his 8-year-old daughter, who played Jill. "She saw me with my video camera while she was doing the scene, and she smiled like she was the happiest girl on earth. But then she hopped right back into character."

DeForest added: "She's a little Julia Roberts!"

The performance was not without glitches. Early on, during a scene in which Alan is simultaneously in Dysart's office and surrounded by horses in the stable, a child portraying a horse lost his mask. In the ensuing confusion and giggling, Keever forgot his lines and fled from the stage weeping. Luckily, Komarek was able to coax Keever back onstage, and the re-entrance was greeted with thunderous applause.

"When Kyle screamed, 'Kill me! Kill me!' there wasn't a man, woman, or child unmoved," Komarek said.

During the cookie-and-Kool-Aid reception following the play, many agreed that Gina Helms, 7, was adorable with baby-powdered "gray" hair. Others reflected on whether Behling's stumble was a Method-derived interpretation of Dysart's internal struggle, or merely a happy accident.

Proud grandfather Jeremy Friedman said the fluorescent lighting of the cafeteria and the construction-paper set honored the play's original minimalist staging.

"I had the pleasure of seeing Equus on Broadway in the mid-'70s, and was struck by the lack of props and the portrayal of the horses by human actors," Friedman said. "I felt that the freshness of those innovations was honored tonight—and the kids looked cute in their little outfits."

Friedman added that the way the cast sat Indian-style around the periphery of the makeshift stage was "exactly the way it was done in the Hopkins-Firth staging."

Komarek, however, had his thoughts on the upcoming spring play.

"I love awakening the passion for drama and storytelling in the children," Komarek said. "Nothing's been finalized, but I'm eyeing Aristophanes' Frogs. I love the dislocation of verse in the play's stichic passages, and the kids love animals."

Priceless