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I was going to say this reads like a Stephen King short, but then saw the nom de plume and realised that's what you were going for. Well, good job... up to page 7 I think you got this pretty much spot on.
Page 7 I think the prayer is a little overdone, but a very minor niggle.
Overall I thought this was great, excellent job writer.
After reading the logline I went in thinking I wasn't going to like it...but I ended up really enjoying it!
Very well written, a very easy read. Definitely could use a trim in a few places like IMO, most of the last two pages with the minivan family are unnecessary. We really don't need to see all that detail.
A few nitpicky thing that stood out to me...Pg. 1..."bland decor"? Weird description for a gross restroom. I was thinking urine stained... Pg. 2...2 hours worth of Mountain Dew. "Ahh, sweet baby Jesus"...laughed out loud here. Also, description of the vending machine, "look like it's been here for years". Well, I would assume they don't change them out that often, so most vending machines probably are there for years. Maybe change it to "decades", or even to something like "the Nixon era". Pg. 7...this long block of dialog...I just don't know. First, he seemed way too calm for a dude whose arm is half chopped off. And it goes on pretty long. Just my opinion. The rat skeleton seemed thrown in there to meet the criteria.
Overall, this is a well-written, solid effort for this OWC. I really enjoyed it.
Hey, writer. Really good work here. My kind of horror.
Won't lie, it's a bit slow at the start. First couple of pages kind of dragged. A lot of overwriting. But once Brett's arm gets stuck, this thing gets going. Gruesome story.
I'm a little disappointed you didn't fully commit to your "127 Hours" and have Brett cut off his arm, but I also really like the direction you took this. Also love the mythology you created with the snack van at the end.
Great job. This is the first I read, and will likely remain one of my favorites.
Okay - really well written. Crisp and clean throughout.
Brett's dialogue on page 7 didn't do it for me. It kind of derailed the horror aspect for me a bit.
I know I am supposed to be suspending disbelief, but I had a hard time visualizing the horrific engulfing done by the machine - i.e.., that it good be done.
The rat skeleton is really just shoe-horned in for the requirements - but okay.
Well written if a little unbelievable but so was Maximum Overdrive and that was done on a much grander level. The dialogue like others said was a little out of place. Not sure if it was trying to be a comedy or not. It still worked but maybe a tad long. Also liked the mythology of the candy company. That added an extra layer to what really is a simple story. Rat skeleton seemed thrown in to meet the requirements. Great job though.
Ok, decent, clean writing style. But you lost me with Brett’s dialogue(y'now that bit) -- eye roll. And this just went downhill from there. You have some good description in here buried in a lot of stuff that can go bye-bye. In other words, didn't think you needed ten pages to tell your story. Anyhoo-maybe I wasn't the right audience for this. Oh yeah - marnieml made some good points about the family bit.-A
Simple, great idea and very well done. The writing, if a bit lengthy in one or two places, is pretty good and I really enjoyed the read. I like how you blend horror and humor, and you made me chuckle more than once. Great little tale, well done!
- Logline -- okay, but I'm imagining AC/DC blasting over the entire thing now... - As we get into the machine intro I'm wondering: King would have set up a flaw by now, a moral misstep for which the story would visit retribution on its protag. Though not in Maximum Overdrive, I guess. Still: an element that might be missing.
Thoughts:
- Yep, a good ol'-fashioned Creepshow entry! One of my favourites here. But as above, I can't help but think this is missing the sense of cosmic justice -- or even cosmic injustice -- that typically attends these tales. We want to feel like there are rules that can be followed or broken with consequences or not -- the "Thanks for the ride, lady!" of it all. I wish the setup had given us something about Brett -- some reason more for us to like or dislike him, some reason for us to wonder, would I escape this horrible fate? The disingenuous prayer is played mostly for laughs and doesn't seem to take him that deep anyway. I'm not saying that this has to be a morality play, but these things aren't nearly as scary when they don't come with some strong sense of the world's "rules." - Anyway. This would satisfy in any horror anthology.
Jesus, how strong is this coil lol couldn't he just slide his arm out of his sleeve? (before it's twisted and engulfed, of course) - that would have been my first reaction, rather than popping in some more money.
The prayer - as has been said - is a big negative.
The rest is well-written, simple, possibly easy to film (with some really gross imagination). A gross horror that will get those with a fear of being stuck.
I'm seeing some contradiction around here (nothing to do with you) - another horror in the competition gets complaints of "horror for horror sake" or "no explanation as to why" - yet, those same reviewers love this one - strange. I only mention it because I am here to learn, and this is the reason I stay clear of writing horror - I can't see the difference between this and the other entry. This all seems random - he by chance comes across the machine, he doesn't seem like he deserves it, no reason why the machine does what it does - gore for the sake of gore. Not knocking it by the way - That's what I like about (watching) horror, some times bad stuff happens for no reason - and sometimes we want to be scared and grossed out, doesn't always have to be given rhyme or reason. I would just love to be able to learn why some work and others don't - You seem like you have this sussed, maybe you can give me some pointers
Anyhoo, enjoyed this, well written for sure - if I was watching it, I would be sufficiently horrified.
Good job - but here's the rub - Do I mark as criteria met based on the skeleton? I'm torn, will think about it...
While well done overall, action happens as it unfolds. There's a lot of and THEN this happens! And THEN thishappens. You don't need the THEN's. It happens and the script is fine without it. Overall, this entry is pretty solid, although you could just have the family at the end pull up, and are just about to get some goodies. We already know what's coming.
Not sure why a can of soda is the same vending machine as candy.
This was a good one. Enjoyed your logline, even though it "isn't proper". This short easily fit into the TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE or CREEPSHOW mold. One complaint is why didn't Brett just take his shirt off when it started to get tangled but I suspended my disbelief. Back to your hosen logline, it describes what the reader is in for and I got a kick out of the ending. When the kid gasps that there are no M&M's, great set-up-payoff and then the inkling the whole thing is about to happen again with the father. But this time he's not alone so what will happen? Thoroughly enjoyable.
This is pretty horrific. The visuals are pretty atmospheric and descriptive but the abundance of narrative doesn’t take away from the script. I’d call it a slasher but it’s a really good one. I’m thinking to write a vivid and engaging slasher is the hardest, it’s like writing a good slapstick comedy, one that’s truly funny and goes beyond silly falls and missteps. I’m not into slashers though, I’d like more of Bretts personal story. I really liked his dialog with God and how he took death and I wish there’s more on that. Probably just me. Really good work
Not a Stephen King fan, but between the AC/DC soundtrack and Emilio Estevez taking on possessed trucks I wore out a VHS of Maximum Overdrive—so you had me early on.
Easy read, with every beat upping the horror a notch to its macabre—yet darkly comic—end. Maybe a little slow out the gate but it helps build the scene and set the tone - for me it's worth the investment.
Appreciate the extra twist with the Jolly Delights Candy Co. van suggesting there’s more at play here than just this machine. The idea it could be about to happen again—and in front of a whole family—gives the story an extra weight of dramatic irony to finish on.
A few niggles—criteria felt a little tenuously placed. I wasn’t buying he’d be desperate enough to try cutting his arm off so soon—particularly with a piece of glass. I really wanted the machine to start up mid-prayer. Do you need the cutaway to the text message? —Maybe keep that part from Brett’s POV as it keeps us in his perspective wanting to know if there’s hope of rescue.
Anyway, those are minors. Favourite so far. I’d be surprised if this didn’t come out on top.
A thoroughly entertaining read.
Steve
My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:
Little more time before voting, might as well get a few more in.
Anyway, Deus ex Machina, or in this case ‘Diabolus ex Machina’. The tale is superb for a midnight revival of the old 80’s horror/fun-house vignettes, Tales; Twilight; etc.
Just a thought, and only opinion outside of the box: I wonder if the machine would be better suited if it was set up on a ‘lazy-susan’ type rotisserie, a metal round-table set into the concrete which would spin the machine in behind a small cabinet, unveiling a fresh machine full of wondrous delights; all the while, behind it, some poor slob is getting their limbs ripped off. This would also ensure other travelers passing by wouldn’t interrupt the carnage, so to speak.
Or, perhaps even have a camera set up nearby, just under the gable so the madness can be recorded, or watched live by the Jolly Delights Candy Co.
That’s just added scenarios, of course. What you did here is imaginative none the less. There’s just so much fun to be had when there’s candy and murder involved.
Horror huh? This actually read more like a comedy to me, a sick twisted one. I'm envious as this is something I wish I'd thought of. Anyway, you could have easily lopped off two or more pages with this and just got quickly to the rest stop. Personally, I would have gotten much more graphic and visual when Brett was being eaten by the machine. Overall, I like this but didn't love it. Could have been much better!
Not a sound effect. Not a new character. Why uppercase? it's annoying.
Code
A thick metal spiral COIL begins to rotate...
Coil is neither a new character nor a sound effect... so, why is it in uppercase? Also, the sentence is passive.
Passive writing throughout makes this a difficult read. Not to mention the unnecessary overuse of uppercase.
Code
He bends down...
that's usually what happens when one bends. Down goes without saying. It's overwriting.
Code
Brett CRIES out in PAIN as his wrist SNAPS.
This is seriously annoying.
You know, I don't even need to actually read this. The story is predictable. Onto the scoring. This probably would have scored way higher if not for the incessant and scandalous use of uppercase.
Criteria Met (Y/N) – I don't care. Story (1-5) – 3 Characters (1-5) – 4 Dialogue (1-5) – 4 Writing (1-5) – 1 Overall (1-10) – 6
A well written script. It kept my interest to the very end. I can see this being filmed as a horror short, or part of a series like, "Creepshow" or "Tales From The Crypt". A machine that eats people? Very interesting. A mechanical murderer. I can picture as the lead character is munched to death by the machine. Pretty gruesome!
Very cool, I liked it. You could've trimmed the fat a little and taken more time with him actually in the machine but overall great. a slightly better and more descriptive title would help. Also I think the candy company mythology could've been developed a little further, but that part's entirely personal.
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The Machine - OWC
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