All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Obviously a new writer here so hats off for getting a script in. This didn't do much for me, unfortunately. Descriptions and dialogue need a lot of work. The story should be told through action not dialogue just keep that in mind.
The good news is that you have a good idea and the bones of a good story. That hints at undeveloped talent.
As everyone else has mentioned, every bit of the good is overrun by basic errors in craft.
Show, don't tell. Learn to write in visuals. I suggest trying to tell this story in half the pages and with NO dialogue, just as an exercise for yourself. It would be hard, but I bet you'd learn a bunch about writing visually.
Mainly, I'd say study a bunch of scripts. Maybe find the script of your favorite movie and read it while watching it.
And, keep writing. Something tells me you'll improve very quickly.
PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
I didn't read any comments, but I'm assuming they all say kinda what I will. Your attempts at criteria were misguided, as you can't just allude to space with us seeing a UFO - I mean, what the hell was a UFO doing there anyway. And you only mentioned a skeleton and a syringe. So, apparently you got the wrong impression as to how to go about writing this and that's cool. I can feel the passion you were trying to get across, now you just need to make it into a cohesive story and get it across better than you did.
I've no idea what type of corridor I'm meant to be seeing. Are they concrete, old, modern, painted white? I have no idea at all. That was a struggle. A real struggle. This is the 4th I've read on the trot that has just been too much hard work for me to read thoroughly.
Criteria Met (Y/N) – I don't care. Story (1-5) – 0.5 Characters (1-5) – 0.5 Dialogue (1-5) – 0.5 Writing (1-5) – 0 Overall (1-10) – 0.75
Yeah, this wasn't good, but it was my first ever attempt at writing so I'm proud I had the berries to submit it.
Thanks to everyone who gave me feedback, good, bad or indifferent, although you may not know it, it's great for me to learn and progress so hopefully my next effort will be better.
And thanks for all the encouragement, I'll keep going and while I might never win the mug, I might earn a thimble one day.
Cheers
Owen
If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
Pages: 
Author
Ache - OWC
Logged
Locked Board