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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May 2010 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - (H)eat of Wartime
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  Author    OWC - (H)eat of Wartime  (currently 3225 views)
Coding Herman
Posted: May 18th, 2010, 10:44pm Report to Moderator
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I'm not too sure the script works. You spent quite a while describing the scenery, it's better to get to some action right off the bat.

The scene cuts are very roughly done. I was very confused at first because I couldn't picture what's going on. After the explosion, we're in the steakhouse but we can here Roven's voice?

You should lead the faint voice in the grocery store to the voice in the steakhouse. Now that's how the audience can make connections.

I liked the first flashback. It shows how they came to be and what Eric is as a father.

The conversation then took a strange turn discussing who's responsible for whose deaths. The second flashback doesn't work here because it didn't tell us any new information. Also, don't need to describe what types of food in the tray.

The action finally comes at the bottom of page 8. I was actually rooting for Roven to get across to the steakhouse. But the conflict appears too late to have any strong impact on the story.

Not bad, good effort though.


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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George Willson
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 9:13am Report to Moderator
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I looked over the other comments, so I'll leave out the obvious commentaries on the awkward phrases and such, and encourage you to continue your study of English to iron out these little issues. Writing helps that.

On the one hand, it was an interesting take on the theme and such. On the other, it comes off as really heavy handed. We all know it was the challenge, but outside of this OWC, this script would come off as a very, very deliberate attempt to insert opinions on the vegan lifestyle. It really doesn't fit in the situation at all.

And the pregnant woman bit was just distasteful. I don't care what you were going for, it was inappropriate in any instance.

Now, you do have a knack for the visuals, which is a plus. In the right situation with the right topic, this script might be ok, but as an attempt to toss in a bizarre debate/opinion on veganism versus omnivorousness, it just comes off as weird.


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Blakkwolfe
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 5:36pm Report to Moderator
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Cardinal rule #1, which may have previously been stated, is that Less is more. Short, succinct, and to the point.

Story really confused me. Roven is trapped in a grocery store. Eric and Ann are in a steakhouse. Two separate interior spaces. I don't get how they can talk to each other. Through the water draining grill?

I also don't get the vegan connection. Is it because of the chemo that she can't eat meat?

Who were the rebels? Why would they kill a naked, pregnant woman, other than just being mean? Are they terrorists?

I'm lost. Sorry can't be more helpful.


Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
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TheRichcraft
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 11:00pm Report to Moderator
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I think Roven only believed that he was talking to Eric.  In his insanity over the war, he himself thought he was going nuts.

Maybe Eric represented Roven as a failed father figure.  The pregnant woman being shot could represent Roven's thoughts about his own family being dead.

So many ways to read into the characters.  I wonder if that's what the author had in mind.
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Dreamscale
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 11:25pm Report to Moderator
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Or maybe Roven is channeling Christopher Lee...or an eggplant?


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Coding Herman
Posted: May 20th, 2010, 10:00am Report to Moderator
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Haha...Jeff is having too much fun with this OWC.


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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Dreamscale
Posted: May 20th, 2010, 12:36pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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I'm sure trying!  I've actually been laughing my ass off.  Literally going into fits of uncontrollable laughter when I think of some of these scripts.

People think I'm nuts...maybe they're right?


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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TheRichcraft
Posted: May 22nd, 2010, 1:29am Report to Moderator
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They are.

Just kidding.
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