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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May 2010 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - Dumb Animals
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  Author    OWC - Dumb Animals  (currently 5149 views)
pwhitcroft
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 7:40pm Report to Moderator
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Ill make notes as I go..

Pg 1 Nice start, I can picture that.

Pg 2 Were having bread and vegetables for lunch? Trying too hard to make it clear they are vegans?

Pg 4 I was just about to ask when this would get going, but this got my attention.

Pg 7 Theres some pretty freaky stuff in here.

Pg 8 The radiation dose ensures that the foetus will only ever attain animal status, by purging selfconsciousness from the brain. Borderline exposition?

Pg 12 Its a dark finale, but thats okay.

Overall its got structure, stuff happens in it that is out there, and the characters might be a bit thin. Im not forgetting it in a hurry.


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Coding Herman
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 10:22pm Report to Moderator
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This is a very good entry. The setting and the characters all sound so real. Apparently you have some ideas how livestock farms work.

But one thing I'm going to criticize is the lack of conflict for the first 2/3 of the script. By no means it's not good, the things Blake showed to Julie were interesting and shocking indeed, but I was feeling that was all setup.

Not until Julie comes back to get her bag that the conflict escalates.

Nevertheless, I really liked this story. The ending gives me chills when Julie looked at what she ate that morning.

Very well done.


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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TheRichcraft
Posted: May 20th, 2010, 2:42pm Report to Moderator
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I like how Blake doesn't eat meat being a form of contrition for having to kill those humans.

I would like to know the process of determining which humans are chosen to become the enhanced protein.
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FDiogo
Posted: May 20th, 2010, 3:15pm Report to Moderator
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Wow. Akward. I found this one very well writen, nice dialogs, nice visuals. Very well constructed. I think the idea was very original, seriously, truly original. And so I tried to like it, but I didn't.


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pwhitcroft
Posted: May 23rd, 2010, 6:36pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for all your comments.

When I entered this I was expecting it to get a mixed reaction so I was genuinely surprised by the response.

The title was something I really didnt think much about, but I can understand the questions about it.

It never occurred to me that Planet of the Apes has the same kind of thing in it, but it definitely has some overlap.

Ive never done any farming, but I guess Ive picked up a few details from the TV.

I was very conscious in writing this of the possibility that it could easily end up being in poor taste. I was unsure about even entering it until I got someone to read it and they understood the animal rights issues.

On the issue of conflict, I was trying to get conflict out of the fact that she is an inspector and so there is a red herring conflict around the question of how she will report. As it turns out I think that element gets overwhelmed by what is happening around them, but hopefully its enough to keep the story going.

Thanks again.

Philip


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dotsandrops
Posted: July 16th, 2010, 10:19pm Report to Moderator
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This  was very interesting. I like how things transformed from a visit to the farm into some sort of nightmare. Well done. It has kept me reading with no one distraction until the bottom of page eight. Julie's answer to Delwin's "how does it work?" has trown me out of the story. Not only I've felt the comment was too on the nose, but, also, I was thinking: How come Delwin, who manages the farm together with his father, doesn't know? I was ready to suggest that you could eliminate that part altogether, but then, reading on, I've found that that scene is pivotal for the story to continue.

The script was posted a few months ago. It is posible that you've writen another draft and fixed that issue. If you haven't, that'd be my suggestion. Despite similaties with other works, as mentioned in other reviews, you can have something quite nice here.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: September 10th, 2012, 6:42pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Phil,

I hear you're making some noise with this around town.
Assuming you've developed it into a feature script.
So, it'll be doubly interesting for me to check out the short!

P. 1
Mmm, delicious subtext between father and son.
Me likey the immersion factor on page one.

p. 2
I dig how you DON'T draw direct attention to the E.P. stuff.
Making it's intro through the boy is how I like my exposition...
Layer caked with some character stuff.

p. 5
This passage reads wonky to me...
which includes a chemical that sprays as steam

P. 8
Nice touch with the radiation. Creepy.

Finished.
Fun twist on Soylent Green.
I like the self awareness being the catalyst here.

Would like to see this developed into a feature.
Best of luck with the contest, Phil!

Regards,
E.D.


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