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This is a very good entry. The setting and the characters all sound so real. Apparently you have some ideas how livestock farms work.
But one thing I'm going to criticize is the lack of conflict for the first 2/3 of the script. By no means it's not good, the things Blake showed to Julie were interesting and shocking indeed, but I was feeling that was all setup.
Not until Julie comes back to get her bag that the conflict escalates.
Nevertheless, I really liked this story. The ending gives me chills when Julie looked at what she ate that morning.
Very well done.
Memwipe - Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
Wow. Akward. I found this one very well writen, nice dialogs, nice visuals. Very well constructed. I think the idea was very original, seriously, truly original. And so I tried to like it, but I didn't.
When I entered this I was expecting it to get a mixed reaction so I was genuinely surprised by the response.
The title was something I really didn’t think much about, but I can understand the questions about it.
It never occurred to me that Planet of the Apes has the same kind of thing in it, but it definitely has some overlap.
I’ve never done any farming, but I guess I’ve picked up a few details from the TV.
I was very conscious in writing this of the possibility that it could easily end up being in poor taste. I was unsure about even entering it until I got someone to read it and they understood the animal rights issues.
On the issue of conflict, I was trying to get conflict out of the fact that she is an inspector and so there is a red herring conflict around the question of how she will report. As it turns out I think that element gets overwhelmed by what is happening around them, but hopefully it’s enough to keep the story going.
This was very interesting. I like how things transformed from a visit to the farm into some sort of nightmare. Well done. It has kept me reading with no one distraction until the bottom of page eight. Julie's answer to Delwin's "how does it work?" has trown me out of the story. Not only I've felt the comment was too on the nose, but, also, I was thinking: How come Delwin, who manages the farm together with his father, doesn't know? I was ready to suggest that you could eliminate that part altogether, but then, reading on, I've found that that scene is pivotal for the story to continue.
The script was posted a few months ago. It is posible that you've writen another draft and fixed that issue. If you haven't, that'd be my suggestion. Despite similaties with other works, as mentioned in other reviews, you can have something quite nice here.