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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May 2010 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - The Butcher's Daughter
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  Author    OWC - The Butcher's Daughter  (currently 2947 views)
Angry Bear
Posted: May 21st, 2010, 2:33pm Report to Moderator
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Over al, I liked it.

Writing was good. Characters were nice. Story was good.

What needs work IMHO is that Bernard reacted too strongly to Sandra and Trevor only eating vegetables. I can see the comment about Sandra's mother getting him mad, but not for just eating vegetables.

I also thought that Bernard turning his butcher shop into a greengrocer was just a little too cute. Happened a little too fast to feel realistic.

Glad to have read another serious effort in this OWC. I had seriously bad luck picking them yesterday.


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George Willson
Posted: May 21st, 2010, 2:52pm Report to Moderator
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And...the vegans win again. I would just like to say there are benefits to meat.

Anyway, it was a nice, sweet story with the obligatory yelling that accompanies far too many dramas. You did trip up once though. Trevor is holding a pot in his hands while he managed to shake Bernard's hand. Good trick.

I get that you were going for polar opposites, and I could totally see a butcher's daughter going anti-animal. It seemed a bit much though. But maybe it was just how fast it all had to happen. I dunno.

Part of me wants to say it was a solid entry. Another part just thinks it was so over the top that it was completely unbelievable.


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stebrown
Posted: May 23rd, 2010, 3:40pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read everyone, sorry I haven't read as many as I would have normally but I'm at my parents looking after their dog and my dad's computer is the slowest thing on the planet - so slow that I'm actually preferring to use my mobile phone to get on the internet mostly.

Fair points about the drama possibly getting a bit too close to melodrama at times. I think the story really needed more space to get things feeling more natural. I struggled with what to do for the ending and decided to go with the happy ever after approach - possibly should have toned it down a tad though.

Pleased the majority seemed to enjoy it - personally, I thought it was a little boring but I went to meet the challenge and I think I did that with a half-decent script. Screenrider - you can find a link to some of my other scripts in my sig thanks for your kind words.

Ste


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