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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2011 One Week Challange  ›  The Truth - OWC
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  Author    The Truth - OWC  (currently 3494 views)
Posted: October 19th, 2011, 8:55pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while

Victoria, Australia
Posts Per Day
Ditto what Ryan said

Seriously, though, aside from all the formatting issues that've been mentioned, story-wise, my biggest problem with this one was the pacing. They seem to jump from one stage to the next, to the next, without little or no transition at all. And the dialogue lacked believability, so that only made it seem worse.

Still, you wrote more than I did for this OWC, so good job!
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Posted: October 19th, 2011, 10:53pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Oh Hi

San Diego, California
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Review the format.  That'll make your script that much easier and also chisel about 3 pages off.

A lot of the issues are things that come from a lack of experience, so don't be discouraged.  For example, Becky convinces Peter to investigate the 11 at night?  Why?  Who's the ghost?  Why did the uncle want the parents dead?  Why is there a video monitoring system in the house?  All kinds of questions that need addressing/revising.  

Since I'm pretty sure this is one of your first scripts, it's a good effort.  And it had a happy ending.

Keep writing.


Site Private Message Reply: 16 - 23
Posted: October 20th, 2011, 2:55pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients

Yes, that is my real hair...

Cave Creek, AZ
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I don't want to be mean and hammer all the mistakes on display here into your head.

I stopped reading after the first passage, glanced down and saw that it was going to continue throughout the entire script.

As others have brought up, there are mistakes on every line.  As Ryan said, if one didn't know better, this would sure qualify as an awesome pisser, but I know that's not the case.

As I've said before, IMO, an OWC is not the time to attempt screenwriting for the first time. The quality of reads and feedback is not what it is for normally posted scripts.

No offense, but no one wants to read a first time writer's script, in this arena (OWC).  SS is a great place to learn and all you have to do is ask...and read and provide feedback, yourself.  I'd suggest reading highly read and commented on scripts in here to get an idea of how a script should look.  It's not difficult, per se, but it sure does take time to understand the ins and outs of screenwriting.

Hopefully you are doiing your fair share in reading and commenting on these OWC enrtries, otherwise, peeps will be pissed off.

Best of luck.

To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Private Message Reply: 17 - 23
Posted: October 20th, 2011, 3:05pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Posts Per Day
Hey writer

Hang in there. Read scripts, get the format down, write some reviews, read others reviews. The bad news: you have a really long way to go. The good news: you'll get there incredibly quick if you want to. Put in a little time and you'll start to learn what you need to learn.

Sorry I am not commenting much on the story itself. I got about half way through it. There's just too much wrong. But it really only takes a few weeks or even days to learn how to do things close to right. The story itself didn't really strike me as sensible, but that's common with a first effort. Hang in there and hang around here, you'll be all set.

Private Message Reply: 18 - 23
Posted: October 20th, 2011, 3:48pm Report to Moderator

I got dipping sticks.

Los Angeles
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this one is riddled with mistakes. unfortunately, like most readers, i couldnt get through it. read some professional scripts and come back. dont get discouraged, just improve your craft.

way too distracted with your formatting errors to concentrate on the story istelf. sorry.

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Hugh Hoyland
Posted: October 20th, 2011, 5:08pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while

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Its not easy to write a script under the gun.

When you have the time you could flesh this out a bit more and make it even better, cause its not a "bad" premise at all.

The CAMERA directions are not needed at this point until filming.

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Posted: October 22nd, 2011, 12:03am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


About a thousand years from now.
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Locations & Sets  -   EXT. highway drive (consider substitute), INT high school hall & cafeteria, EXT & INT furnished abandoned house (permission to deface), EXT burning  house
Actors  -  BECKY (15), BILLY (20s), dozen teen extras, JOCK (17),  PETER (15), GHOST (40s), cafeteria servers, UNCLE (40), POLICE OFFICER (30s)
Costumes  -  change of clothes from day 1 through day 5, police uniform
Props  -  MP3 & ear buds, textbooks, cellphone, plastic wrapped furnishings for house, cafeteria food in trays, flashlights, bike, camcorder or cellphone, secret panel wall/door, safe, video surveillance set up, kitchen knife, pistol,  police belt and pistol
Audio FX  -  CLUNK!, door opening, door sliding, police sirens, multiple gunshots
Visual FX  -  ghost man walking, escape from burning house, ghost in the corner, ghost at door and leading to closet, ghost attack on UNCLE, squib blasts, return of ghost
Other  -  Truck, U-Haul trailer (need release from U-Haul corporate), side-of-car camera rigs, spray paint, lights for fire effect, sports car, spotlights for police lights, colored gels for cop lights,
Comments  -  Severe need of learning spec screenplay format. At the top of pg 2 I'm not clear on where they pulled into. The school? No mention of B & P actually recording anything on their return visit. Brutal murder just kicked this up to rated R. To the writer, this is a decent enough first go at both writing a screenplay and creating story. Please, keep working at your stories and format.

This free online resource has helped me a great deal:

Private Message Reply: 21 - 23
Posted: October 23rd, 2011, 4:37pm Report to Moderator

Dreamer of dreams.

Posts Per Day
I saw all of the camera directions, "we see", etc., and was immediately turned off.

I still continued reading.

The abandoned house ghost was really kind of cheesy and sudden. I'd have liked some build-up or something before that.

Well my parents died six months ago -- in a house fire.

I don't like this at all. I really don't. It could be that you said that she needs to be sad, and it feels to me like it's completely cheapening the complex and confused emotions anyone would feel when their family members died suddenly...I don't know. Whatever it is, it's not at all believable, and if you must have her say this (it's solely to explain her back story, so have at it, I guess) please not 'sad'. I'd imagine that she'd not immediately show that part of herself and that much vulnerability, as what I've seen from her up to this point in the script is apathy.

(quoting murder suicide)
Itís fine. We used to live in the
old abandoned house on L Street.
The cops called it a murder
suicide. But I know it wasnít, I
saw something in the house that
night. -- Something not alive

That is NOT how you would signify air quotes. I was very confused until I got to "The cops called it a murder suicide."

I am not at all a fan of Becky apologizing for having him go back to the place where his parents were BRUTALLY MURDERED a year before, then immediately pleading to go back so she could videotape it. That seems a little harsh. (I'm citing things like this because Becky is the protagonist, and should be likable or at least tolerable.)

And for goodness' sake, wait: They believed two people stabbed to death with a kitchen knife was a MURDER/SUICIDE?! Change their method of death if you want your previous statement to have been believable.

The uncle's involvement was kind of predictable from the first night with Becky and Peter when the sports car was seen outside of the house. The relationship kind of sprang up out of nowhere.

It does have some promise, but it's ultimately just all over the place and the character development was weak.

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Pale Yellow
Posted: November 1st, 2011, 12:53pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

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Too many fade in, fade out, cut to, and don't worry about camera angles ....
Several times on page 1 you used "we see" but I think instead of saying "we see" just describe it. Also when you said she's GOTH show instead of tell...same with "it is a GHOST" just show us don't tell. Keep working on it. You have a story here ...just need to work on showing it.
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