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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2011 One Week Challange  ›  Revenant Stand - OWC
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  Author    Revenant Stand - OWC  (currently 3594 views)
greg
Posted: October 19th, 2011, 11:36pm Report to Moderator
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Not bad.  This has the potential to be really good but falls short at the moment.  The beginning is good.  The ending is good.  Everything in between is up and down.  At times it feels like things are being given more explanation than they need and it gets redundant.  The characters could use some work as well.  They feel too typical, though Henry and Hailey had a solid connection.  That part was well done.

Overall it's a good entry.  Could be chiseled down some, but good job.

Greg


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Scoob
Posted: October 21st, 2011, 3:32pm Report to Moderator
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I've got to be honest and admit I found this one difficult to get into at first. I put that down to me just trying to get into the writing style so I gave it another read and everything did flow much better.
I still found myself re-reading certain sentences and that became a little infuriating but there is definitely a decent story here.
I particularly liked the revenant stand idea, the use of wind ( the leaf devils? ) acted as a character itself and the sacrilege of constructing on "holy land".

The characters were a bit hit and miss. Sometimes I felt the dialogue - as good as it was at times - went on a bit more than necessary.

Nice work,



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RayW
Posted: October 22nd, 2011, 12:14am Report to Moderator
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Locations & Sets  -   EXT forest clearing w/ road trail
Actors  -  HENRY (12), HAILEY (12), FATHER (40), MOTHER (40),  extras x12, STEVE (22), MIKE (30), RUTH (60), HENRY (70)
Costumes  -  1950 period nice dress adults and children, Hailey's country clothes, Ruth and Henry's nice outfits, Steve and Mike's outdoor work clothes
Props  -  picnic table settings and food, blood, surveyor's pole & roll of pink ribbon,  utility box and surveyor's tripod, handheld GPS, old map, cell phone, revolver, rod through leg, handkerchief
Audio FX  -  leaves rustling, car backfire, skull crack, screams, CLICK! Hooting sounds, auto alarm,
Visual FX -  leaves twirling x 12,
Other  -  1950 cars x 3, truck, spray bottle for sweat beads, MUA for Henry's paleness, bleeding shirt for Henry
Comments  -  More of a ghost story than Gothic horror.



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SpecialAgentDaleCooper
Posted: October 23rd, 2011, 3:49pm Report to Moderator
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Leaf devil: I love that! I know exactly what you're talking about, I believe - the tornadoes of leaves that come up on windy days in the fall? Anyway, into my actual notes:

The opening sequence was really good, and the slugs (in my opinion) had the power of being well-written and having a distinctive writer's voice without being too wordy.

There are a few typos / spelling errors that need cleaned up.

Ultimately, I really liked this a lot. The story was great, the dialogue was some of the best I've read in this set of screenplays, and it weirdly reminded me of Twin Peaks (cough, check out my username, cough).

Splendid work.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 23rd, 2011, 10:42pm Report to Moderator
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It's not bad, but it seemed like you kept having to explain to me what was going on, instead of just showing me. A bit talky for me. Nothing more to add...maybe later.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
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Quiou
Posted: October 24th, 2011, 4:37pm Report to Moderator
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the story was not gothic in my opinion. Nothing really happened for about 6-7 pages, and it's too bad. the concept is nice. I would have loved more details on the couple and thei life together. I think the two guys didn't really feet in the story, and you could have done without them.
The beginning and ending were good. I didn't really feel the middle of the script.
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rdhay
Posted: October 25th, 2011, 7:26pm Report to Moderator
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Hi I agree that it is a bit too poetic and I you have some unfilmables that *I think* are just a result of that. Easy fixes though.

Overall, I liked the story, but I don't think it fits with the darkness of the theme. Still, you've done a good job here. Wouldn't mind seeing the rewrite

Good job.
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