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Not bad. This has the potential to be really good but falls short at the moment. The beginning is good. The ending is good. Everything in between is up and down. At times it feels like things are being given more explanation than they need and it gets redundant. The characters could use some work as well. They feel too typical, though Henry and Hailey had a solid connection. That part was well done.
Overall it's a good entry. Could be chiseled down some, but good job.
I've got to be honest and admit I found this one difficult to get into at first. I put that down to me just trying to get into the writing style so I gave it another read and everything did flow much better. I still found myself re-reading certain sentences and that became a little infuriating but there is definitely a decent story here. I particularly liked the revenant stand idea, the use of wind ( the leaf devils? ) acted as a character itself and the sacrilege of constructing on "holy land".
The characters were a bit hit and miss. Sometimes I felt the dialogue - as good as it was at times - went on a bit more than necessary.
Locations & Sets - EXT forest clearing w/ road trail Actors - HENRY (12), HAILEY (12), FATHER (40), MOTHER (40), extras x12, STEVE (22), MIKE (30), RUTH (60), HENRY (70) Costumes - 1950 period nice dress adults and children, Hailey's country clothes, Ruth and Henry's nice outfits, Steve and Mike's outdoor work clothes Props - picnic table settings and food, blood, surveyor's pole & roll of pink ribbon, utility box and surveyor's tripod, handheld GPS, old map, cell phone, revolver, rod through leg, handkerchief Audio FX - leaves rustling, car backfire, skull crack, screams, CLICK! Hooting sounds, auto alarm, Visual FX - leaves twirling x 12, Other - 1950 cars x 3, truck, spray bottle for sweat beads, MUA for Henry's paleness, bleeding shirt for Henry Comments - More of a ghost story than Gothic horror.
Leaf devil: I love that! I know exactly what you're talking about, I believe - the tornadoes of leaves that come up on windy days in the fall? Anyway, into my actual notes:
The opening sequence was really good, and the slugs (in my opinion) had the power of being well-written and having a distinctive writer's voice without being too wordy.
There are a few typos / spelling errors that need cleaned up.
Ultimately, I really liked this a lot. The story was great, the dialogue was some of the best I've read in this set of screenplays, and it weirdly reminded me of Twin Peaks (cough, check out my username, cough).
the story was not gothic in my opinion. Nothing really happened for about 6-7 pages, and it's too bad. the concept is nice. I would have loved more details on the couple and thei life together. I think the two guys didn't really feet in the story, and you could have done without them. The beginning and ending were good. I didn't really feel the middle of the script.