A cautionary tale. The writing is a mess but you'll get better with practice. You have a clear vision in your head that needs to be better written onto the page. I get the feeling you "see" more than we're getting to read and we're missing out.

There are a few moments that sparkle, a few lines that suggest you have great storytelling potential. You fit a lot into these pages and, disjointed as the scenes are, you manage to keep a consistent pace that escalates appropriately at the climax.

The ending was deflating, all that tension evaporated without meaning. I think you should drop Agnes entirely so the occupants figure things out on their own. That, I think, would make the story and the ending more effective. She's there to fit the requirements of the challenge but now you're free to exorcise her.

Keep writing, keep learning, and keep working towards your potential. I didn't enjoy this but I think you'll surprise us if you put in the time.

Very lighthearted, felt intentionally comical at times.
Does not feel Gothic at all but there is a misunderstood ghost.
Dialogue and writing need some work although you did make it a quick read.
The characters came across as being a bit "high" -  but they fit the tone of the script.
I have to say it was quite fun and I do actually like the premise of the house just wanting a bit of TLC, but at the same time it just all felt a bit out of whack.
Fun read!

Man, I guess I better keep up with the chores! That could happen here for sure!

Not bad. Had its moments. I have to admit that when things advance too far from the natural world, I get turned off. For example, I like the supernatural forces to be subtle. When a banister comes to life and grabs people, and the curtains form hands, stuff like that crosses too far for me and makes things less believable. Of course, the movie Poltergeist does the same thing, and that's a great film, so I can't knock this too much.

You put a unique and creative twist on things, ended on a lighthearted note, so I appreciate the different approach.

Not sure if we have any Gothic horror. We have a haunted house, but that's not really enough by itself. At least there is a misunderstood ghost. Kind of two, actually, including the spirit of the house.

I'm gonna give this a pass, though I think it's a decent effort. That said, I would not be surprised to see some version of this filmed. Perhaps sponsored by Home Depot!

Quoted from leitskev Man, I guess I better keep up with the chores! That could happen here for sure!

Kevin, if I could come clean for you, I would. I'd even put a nice little candy or bottle of something on your pillow   Seriously, I'm going to be cleaning up for my daughter and her fiance this coming week. I know I shouldn't, but I can't help it. I really don't mind-- just that I've been so busy and I think I need to clone myself.    

On to House Proud: This was certainly good. The only thing for me that it was more ghost story and not enough gothic.

Sandra

Locations & Sets  -   INT nice old house living room w/ furnishings, EXT & INT rundown home w/ walk-in attic and basement, INT hospital ER waiting room, EXT eaves w/ gutter
Actors  -  AGNES (70), ANDY (37), ROSE (34), JOSHUA (11), ALICE (6), DOCTOR (35), MEDIUM  (60)
Costumes  -  Outfit for Agnes, family's change of clothes
Props  -  Camera, tool belt w/ hammer, family laundry, trampling mud, book, dolls, ladder, nails (no screwdriver), kitchen knife, varnish can, penny
Audio FX  -  water pipe sounds, washing machine sound, house groan, trampling stomps, wind howl
Visual FX  -  Agnes' ghostly appearance, Agnes talks with Alice, flying & attacking antiques, curtain strangling Rose
Other  -  MUA for Agnes and Medium's drained color, limping cat and handler, something to hold Joshua's ankle on steps,
Comments  -  I think your "All American family" parent ages are a slight off. Turn off your program's page (CONTINUED) feature. And I don't know WTH Andy thought he was going to do with nails and a screw driver with his gutter. I think I missed the intro and significance of the penny. Alrighty, this is more of a ghost story than Gothic horror. It's a little jumbled up, but could be reworked into something salvageable. Nice premise, though.

First of all, I don't believe that you need (CONTINUED) unless the slug or dialogue is actually interrupted and carrying over onto the next page. Secondly, not to be a total grammar nazi, but you certainly used 'your' incorrectly a lot.

Quick lesson:
You're = You are, whereas Your = Possessive, belonging to you, e.g. "You're going to break your neck!"

Just a major pet peeve, and one that doesn't get picked up by spell check. Sorry.

Anyway, carrying on:

The beginning was almost too much description, and the intro with the old lady ghost was kind of cheesy. If you must break the fourth wall, please don't do it with an old lady ghost. Please.

Also - were the parents 13 and 16 when they had the children?! Please look at the ages again. I'm not saying it's unheard of, but unless it's addressed later on, that's kind of weird. How did the two of them stay together all of this time? How did they finish school? It'd be much easier just to make the parents a little bit older.

Why does Rose say, "Your (sic) gonna love this new house, hunny, (sic) you'll see," and then in the very next shot say it needs work, apparently never having seen it? Look at that again.

I'm also kind of weirded out by the slugline where Rose is inspecting her child for cleanliness at eye level. I don't know why. It just doesn't seem normal to me, I suppose. It may have been the use of the word "inspect" in the slug.

In the same scene, I don't see why Rose's face "drained of color" from Alice's remark that the house talks. Alice is six; kids say crazy things all the time, and being in a new house, she'd probably be even more likely to make weird remarks. I feel like most parents would just be a little confused at best, maybe even think it was cute. I don't know about that one; it could just be me.

I also don't know how likely it would be for the family to call a medium because two of their children, both quite young, have said something about ghosts. With all of the people (adults) I've known in real life who've claimed their houses were haunted, I'd say that's a resounding NONE. They'd probably chalk it up to being in a new place and not used to the sounds of the house settling, their kids not coping well with change, and things like that.

The scene with the medium is where you begin to lose me completely. The curtain becoming hands, the wind, the animated banister, the crud flying around the house, etc.

It is too much, and is more likely to make the viewer roll their eyes than be frightened. Tone that down a bit, would be my advice.

I'm also not completely sold on the stories where the house is "alive". Maybe it's terrifying for some people - I mean, I suppose it'd have to be, as they keep making films and stories about it. I'm just not wont to be thrilled with that kind of story.

Dialogue is okay for the most part. A few parts need polished up. This is honestly salvageable, it just needs some retooling. And like I said, I'm not a fan of stories of this nature, so take my advice with a grain of salt.

I enjoyed this tale even though I don't think it's gothic horror - but it is the kind of horror I like. It was a quick read but a little over-written, and I did have to go back and reread for clarity - I think some of those issues were mentioned above.

The one thing I really didn't care for was the opening introduction with Agnes. I think the only time I don't mind a character breaking the fourth wall is when it's done as a voice-over.

A solid effort.