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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2014 - One Week Challenge  ›  Vergence - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde, dabrast
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  Author    Vergence - OWC  (currently 3668 views)
Posted: January 16th, 2014, 7:35pm Report to Moderator
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When I started the read, I liked this one.  Interesting concept (even if the Ripper murders have been done to death - no pun intended.)  And how can anyone NOT like a story that merges cyberpunk with time travel?

Problem is - for me at least - the story got muddled pretty quickly.  Nothing was accompished regarding the present day murders, at least as far as I could tell.  And then the story... just petered out.  I kind of got the feeling that Urashi had been retired, but honestly, I'm not sure.

Based on some of the dialogue, I get the feeling that a competent writer did this one.  But it does need a rework... IMHO...  FWIW - it could be very much worth that effort.


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Posted: January 16th, 2014, 8:45pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Over there.
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Liked the title. It's one I can imagine on a poster.

Maybe I wasn't quite paying enough attention or am still in the world of Sunstorm, but I actually thought she was putting a biscuit up to her temple. Sorry, I'll pay more attention. Erm, had another look at that. Does need a bit more clarity.

The line about just getting DNA samples reminded me of Twelve Monkeys. One of the more underrated time travel films.

The use of 'Amy Urashi' is grating a bit.

Nothing wrong with fragmented sentences in screenplays but they're supposed to speed the read up. Overuse has the opposite effect. I did find myself having to go back to reread.

It's a fairly original plot to my mind. No-one else tackled the Ripper. I read this twice as I felt I must have missed something. Still not sure if I did, but if I don't get it after two reads then I'm not gonna get it.

I felt much of the story didn't push the plot along. I didn't get how the time travel affected the present. Maybe I'm time travelled out but I don't think this quite got to where it should have.

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Site Private Message Reply: 16 - 22
Posted: January 17th, 2014, 10:47pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while

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I thought this was going the way of a movie called 'Flatliners'. About a group of 20 something's who kill each other in a controlled environment, only to be resuscitated moments later to see what it would be like to die.

The only problem was, their (Flatliners) corporeal environment began to exhibit strange artifacts that they had brought back from the beyond.

I thought that Urashi's holograms (in the end) were residual artifacts that she couldn't get rid of, and somewhat permeated her reality without her being able to cull their existence. That is until Kelly showed up and took the cookies, removing the holograms in the process.

I think I've figured out the 'Peaches' detail. Jeff was, and in the end Urashi, were both addicted to a synthetic drug that was inhaled via a self incinerating apparatus, and was available in different flavours to boot.

This played out like a futuristic 'Gumshoe' detective script, where the Private Dick has to face many demons long after the ghouls are behind bars, or dead. Leaving nothing left for them in the end except to either bite the bullet, or the bottle. In this case, it's an addictive street, or government issued narcotic that helps the agents deal with the relentless flickering of the 'Eye Shine'.

A groovy concept that could actually be scripted into something more. Good work!
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Last Fountain
Posted: January 17th, 2014, 11:26pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while

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Good premise. Good gadgets. Realized world.

I love gadgets. I liked the intrigue of the eye patch and then the reveal of the eye with wires.  The holographic cookie device was cool. Like the future Google Glass. Another use of coffin imagery. I like the haunting effect it has. It suggests impending doom for the journey. And this case extra appropriate due to travel method.

I like how you set up some rules. Like observe only. No mirrors. This was awesome. The world is fully realized with the addition of the recreational drug use... the flavoured straws.... or am I reading that wrong. Regardless,  all these elements create a new world within 2 pages. Great staging. I'm with it at this point.

Simple intrigue comes from the name Urashi and British accent. Adds flavour. The incredible use of language really helps make this story authentic. Like future speak. Some stand outs: shine, ghosting, vergance, tripping, cookie.

I loved the following image... her boyfriend thinks there's someone else, she replies "No one else". While over her shoulder is the image of Jack the Ripper. The man occupying her thoughts. Nice language in the description of "spectre" paralleling the term "ghosting".

I like how she doesn't travel bodily to the past. She sees through the eyes of a victim. This is very different than the others. I really appreciate this unique "vision". And how scary would that be to see on screen. We are the victim. And the killer is the notorious Jack the Ripper.

So I was fully immersed in your world, the build up was tremendous. The dark subject of the Ripper,  while morbid, is very interesting. One of the biggest unsolved mysteries worthy of vivisection through time travel. The end was confusing and a letdown for me. I was so pumped up for the resolve.

I appreciate the obsession with death for Urashi. She dies to trip to past. She gets lost there. Limbo. And my understanding is she meets her replacement in the afterlife. This is interesting but needs more lead into. Maybe she meets another traveller in the afterlife earlier. Or make more clear if this is the case. I get vibes of another movie, FLATLINERS. Which if you haven't seen could serve for inspiration. So maybe I'm way off with my afterlife interpretation, it could be Urashi is just trippin on "peaches". Haha.

Full immersion into the world leads to an uneven ending.

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Site Private Message Reply: 18 - 22
Posted: January 18th, 2014, 10:06pm Report to Moderator
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Cast Your Fate To The Wind

Upstate NY
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Hi. Sorry but I just could not grasp what was going in here. I couldn't figure out the time travel device, and I think you should pick another word for the "cookie" device. It just sounded kinda silly to me. So, on the whole , this entire story was just so vague.

Your writing was choppy in spots. It needs a better flow to it. That's something that'll be worked out in time. But like they say, Story Is King, and I just couldn't find one here. If a script makes me go back and check to see if I've missed something, I do not take that as a good sign. Simplify this in a future rewrite.  

However, congrats on entering!  


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James McClung
Posted: January 19th, 2014, 5:22pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Washington, D.C.
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This one has potential, for sure. I enjoyed the Jack the Ripper angle (probably the main reason I clicked on the script) and the way time travel is portrayed. I liked that we didn't actually go back in time but rather the whole process is instantaneous and that we see the outcome of the trip and how it can be used in the present (which I'll get more into later). I also liked all the little gadgets and details (e.g. Urashi's eye) and the overall minimalist feel.

That said, the execution is quite poor. This is one of the few scripts that was actually underwritten. The descriptions are sparse and borderline-staccato in nature. I didn't have too much of a problem with this at first but the more I read, the harder it became to find my bearings in the world you've created. This was especially true with the images of the killer in the present. No idea what this was supposed to be.

The dialogue is also extremely cryptic at times. All the scenes with Jeff, I had next to no idea what was going on. I got that he was leaving and that Urashi's head was kinda messed up, presumably from excess time travel, but that's about it. These scenes might have to be rewritten in their entirety while others have a little more wiggleroom. Still, it takes forever to get to the point of what's going down so everything along the way is super cryptic and inane in feel.

Also, the importance of going back in time to solve a present day crime is a major plothole and needs to be addressed. Naturally, this has already been brought up but it's a big enough problem where it needs to be hammered in a bit.

That's about it. Has potential. Needs work. Lots.

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Posted: January 22nd, 2014, 3:40pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Let The Sky Fall

Various, exotic.
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Odd one to be honest. I might need to read it again to make sense of it, but unfortunately i really don't want to.

Appeared at pains sometimes trying to be stylistic, and there didn't appear to be much of a story to it. Lots of chat too. And fractured sentences all over.

Good on getting an entry in, but not to my taste.
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Posted: January 22nd, 2014, 11:52pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

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Quoted from James McClung
This one has potential, for sure. I enjoyed the Jack the Ripper angle (probably the m

The dialogue is also extremely cryptic at times. All the scenes with Jeff, I had next to no idea what was going on. I got that he was leaving and that Urashi's head was kinda messed up, presumably from excess time travel, but that's about it. These scenes might have to be rewritten in their entirety while others have a little more wiggleroom. Still, it takes forever to get to the point of what's going down so everything along the way is super cryptic and inane in feel.

Also, the importance of going back in time to solve a present day crime is a major plothole and needs to be addressed. .

I highlighted that last part, because it is the main thing that peeps disliked. I had built up a lot of stuff and outlined it through. I wasn't surprised by the reaction. I always get a mixed bag, But as nifty as this was, about page 9 or so I knew there would be no way I can payoff what I started in under 15 pages. Also things came up that I expected that I wouldn't have time on the last Friday. If I did, I would have resubbed with a few extra pages to pay off the plot hole.

But I am pleased to see in some of the latter comments, a small handful saw the seeds I planted. That being "Jack The Ripper" and the serial killer being hunted in this story are one the same - a time traveller from the future and the Vergence project was created on that suspicion. It is my fault I didn't make that more clear.
When another peer mentioned Flatliners, it didn't occur to me...but a few days ago I still kicked myself as I suddenly remembered the 1979 film Time After Time where Jack The Ripper and H.D. Wells crossed paths, Jack hitched aride on Well's Time Machine and H.G. Wells met his future wife from the future and ate at McDonalds. But that film wasn't an infliuence. Just a side note.

About the dialog. Let's start with page 10. Good place to start, don't ya think?

Quoted Text
The past really canít be changed, can it?
Even Iíll go back, try to talk you out of it if you like.

You did?
Not yet. I donít think it worked much either. Fate is what you make it, Agent Urashi.

also, on p11

Quoted Text
Made improvements to these things I see.
Iíve been tempted to check out the older line. Comparison, you know?

I highlighted the dialog for this is exactly what he does on page 1. Likewise, also on page 11:

Quoted Text

Do I come back?
Canít answer that. Only you can.

To my surprise, nobody caught this. Maybe it my bad as well, because she did come back and try to change the past. Her future self appears on page 5 and 6. Specifically:

Quoted Text
I canít ask you to stay. But do one favor for me before I go. Please.
Treat me like dirt and you want a favor -
I know who Iím looking for. I met him. I know him. Tell me that.
What are you talking about? This got to do with that Vergence thing?
I have to stop him.
I canít tell you who. I can tell you to tell me I met him.

When we get to the bedroom, it isn't her future self.

No No., you all say. The travellers in the story have to jump into dead people! See p 11.

Quoted Text

Vergence has improved since you left. Now you can be a witness.
In a few years. They just got to work out the kinks.

And, if you like Pardoxes...? See them side by side.

Quoted Text
I know who Iím looking for.   Now you can be a witness.
In a few years.

Uh...okay. Let it put it to you this way. The OWC said nothing about setting the stories in the future and having character come back in time to the present of when the story takes place. So we have characters going back into the past to try to alter the future. Just so happens the story takes place in...the...future...

Well, that's where I was going anyway. Also, Kelly was supoosed to be the ("future future") killer/Jack The Ripper. Given extra pages, he would go back in time to attempt to torment the person who broke the case -as she played a victim and...

Well, okay, maybe it's a good thing I quit while I was ahead.


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