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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2014 - One Week Challenge  ›  The Traveler - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde, dabrast
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  Author    The Traveler - OWC  (currently 2802 views)
Don
Posted: January 11th, 2014, 6:35pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Traveler by 0 - Short - {no logline} - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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irish eyes
Posted: January 11th, 2014, 7:15pm Report to Moderator
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When a script has no logline usually it  means one thing... a bad script

and sadly this one falls under that category...

I usually try to get past the first page, but this was pretty bad in a lot of ways.

I suggest you read a lot of scripts and how they are laid out.

At least you got an entry in so congrats for that.

Mark


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CoopBazinga
Posted: January 12th, 2014, 1:38am Report to Moderator
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No logline Ė never a good sign.

Maybe this is a newbie but Iím not sure to be honest? What happened with your software? Hopefully that wasnít intended because this is what put me off the most. It didnít help that itís just two talking heads in the first 8 pages. Something else happens at this point as well because the pdf font changes back to normal, or to what Iím used to.

Sorry, I couldnít follow the story and basically just breezed over this one Ė look into your software and how youíre converting it over to pdf because the font was off-putting.

Congrats on completely the OWC.

Steve
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RJ
Posted: January 12th, 2014, 8:38am Report to Moderator
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I'm sorry, I have to agree with Steve and Mark on all accounts.

By the second page the font was beginning to hurt my eyes, but then again it's 12:30am here and I should probably be in bed

I just couldn't get through this. I don't do this to many scripts and I'm really sorry that I have to do it here. Wish for your sake that I had more input on the story, but I don't.

There may be a good story in there, so keep at it and, as Mark said, read a lot of scripts, learn the layout, get some software.

Good luck

Renee  
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: January 12th, 2014, 8:45am Report to Moderator
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The traveler

No logline - not usually a good sign, but since mine are crap I can sympathise

Is it me, or is this in bold?
Remember to introduce your characters with CAPS
Some long speeches in this
I like the dialogue of the old man but a few too many perchances
Change of font on p8

Is this all on purpose???

P8 who is the priest?

Humm, bit lost on the ending.

One minte they were going to see the machine, then they are traveling separately then it ends. I assume Robert made it back to the machine?

Needs a bit of work for me.

All the best


My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
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IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: January 12th, 2014, 9:59am Report to Moderator
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Strange this one. The script shows some evidence the writer knows a degree of proper formatting and structure but then fails to do the rest properly.

You don't need to emphasise dialogue. You are telling the actor how to deliver their lines and that's not the job of the script writer.

You don't need to tell the editor what to do either so they will decide if something needs a dissolve or a slow fade out.

I'm a fan of Ye Olde English but that type of dialogue is best suited for the stage. In this instance the vast amounts of it was clever but very confusing. Strip everything down to the basics. If dialogue or a scene are not driving the story forward in some way, giving the audience some new information then cut it.

I did read it all but I'm not sure what was going on at all. Were they in some sort of time loop and repeating things over and over? I'm not sure.

Well done for completing the challenge but check up on your formatting software and read some other scripts and writing script books to get ideas on how to develop your talents.  

Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Toby_E
Posted: January 12th, 2014, 5:16pm Report to Moderator
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I was willing to look past the lack of a logline. I was even willing to look past the use of "yearning" instead of "yawning". But I could not get past an 8 page scene of pure dialogue.

That scene could have been half the length. And even then, I would still recommend spicing the scene up with more action than the characters nodding.

Sorry, but this one needs quite a bit of work.


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marnieml
Posted: January 12th, 2014, 6:30pm Report to Moderator
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We all start somewhere...but you should first make sure to format your screenplay properly or else you'll lose readers as soon as they open the file. If you don't take time to follow basic rules, why should we take the time to read and review?

The story itself was confusing. I suggest you spend a little time reading some pro screenplays and maybe a book like "Save the Cat". This way, next time, your story will shine. Best of luck.


††
ďIf someone is trying to bring you down, it just means you are above them."

Revision History (1 edits)
marnieml  -  January 12th, 2014, 9:12pm
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Dreamscale
Posted: January 12th, 2014, 9:02pm Report to Moderator
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Wow...

Sorry, but this is very poorly done, yet there seems to be a glimpse of passion for writing.

Problem is, you have no clue how to convey your visions to proper script formatting.

Looks to me like you have 7 pages of a scene between 2 peeps with the Slug of "THE FACE OF A PEASANT SITTING IN A WOODEN CHAIR" with no INT or EXT or time.  Trust me, that ain't ever gonna work, my friend.

Congrats on completing this and Kudos for entering, but you need to read every entry and comment, and that way, you'll see some of the errors of your way.

Don't give up and don't get down by poor reviews...you can write, now you need to figure out how to write for the screen.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.

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Dreamscale  -  January 13th, 2014, 4:25pm
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Forgive
Posted: January 13th, 2014, 4:19pm Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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Sorry, I am trying to read all of each script, but I'm out on this by p.2. Congrats on getting something in.
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DV44
Posted: January 13th, 2014, 5:17pm Report to Moderator
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You should introduce the Old Man as Robert right off the bat. No need to introduce him later on in the story. Speaking of the story, I was a bit confused. A lot of banter going on between Robert (Old Man) & Young Man about the time machine and where it's located. You could easily trim that back to a page or two and still get the point across.

Congrats of completing the OWC.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: January 15th, 2014, 2:35pm Report to Moderator
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Hey!  I hope you do the rewrite. If you think there's a story you didn't bring to your audience by now, you have to try it again and again. Hard game, but also a beautiful one.


In the Head of the Driver (3p - drama, sports, SF)

Those Infinite Wolves††(8p - psychological horror)

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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: January 15th, 2014, 5:47pm Report to Moderator
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It was about page six when I called it a day. The narrative is unexiticing and bland (Young Man nods; Old Man thinks, Old Man chuckles ...and early mistake had me thinking there were three men in the room, OLD MAN (ROBERT), YOUNG MAN and THE MAN but it soon was understood this was YOUNG MAN. Not sure why OLD MAN simply isn't ROBERT.

Old Man Robert had a lot to say in those first few pages. Slow. Meandering. Intentionally miuspelled words for sake of dialect.



Not much thought. Rough as sandpaper.
What more could I add?


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
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wonkavite
Posted: January 15th, 2014, 7:52pm Report to Moderator
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This one - not my taste.  At various places in the script, the fonts seemed to switch.  And I was never sure what was going on.  What was the Old Man's goal and purpose?  Why did he kill young man?  And - why no logline or title page?

In general - it just didn't work for me.  Sorry to say...

But kudos on the entry!

Cheers,

--J (W)
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rendevous
Posted: January 15th, 2014, 11:36pm Report to Moderator
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Away

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No logline seems to bother some people. But there's no title page or FADE IN either. Oh well. I'll be open minded and plod on.

We've got some long speeches that are hard going. I get the idea that it's supposed to be oldey worldey, but it would need some more work to be convincing. Like most, it could do with a good edit. As an example. there's way too much of 'my fellow'.

It was hard to follow as it's not really clear who did what or when. You've got characters talking about other people who we've not seen or not sure who they mean. This doesn't make for riveting reading.

It's a different approach for sure, so in that sense it's original. I did feel that whoever wrote this can write but needs to work on presenting it in a more entertaining way.

I don't really give a toss about format as long as the story pulls a reader along. The story here wasn't clear enough to do that.


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

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