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The first time I read this, I enjoyed your concept and the economy of the storytelling. I then reread it to get a better handle on it to provide feedback and found myself stumbling on some details. SoÖ my overall comment is: a good concept, competently written. Needs attention to details.
Some of the details you might want to look at:
This is possibly pedantic (címon, why not?): is the clock in the opening image digital or analogue? I assume itís analogue because further along you refer to seconds tick awayÖ If thatís the case you might want to indicate the time as: quarter-to-twelve (drop a.m. Ė we see sliver of sunlight). This, I think, fits the ambience of the bar better.
Descriptions You might be better served if you delete or abbreviate some descriptions. For example: Maybe cut: -- Perhaps the only sign of life in this benighted shit-hole. -- wishing the evening rush would come. ...and go. -- Intentionally. -- or so he doesnít appear. -- filled with... who knows? -- Our Man, the Suit, (keep one or the other)
Not sure about these: -- But regardless, heís a Suit. A middle-aged Suit. (Nice feel, but probably redundant). -- eerily (I donít get this - distracting).
Dialogue -- Homeless Manís dialogue, I think, comes across as contrived, and this appears to be inconsistent: I donít plan on spending the rest of my life drinking away my sorrows with you, buddy. Then he says: Same time tomorrow? -- This confused me: Iím not the one to be giviní public speeches-- to strangers at that! Isnít Teen the Manís nephew? (Unk; Hey AuntieÖ)
Sluglines -- These may be technically justifiable (dunno for sure), but you might want to consider alternatives to lighten the load, especially for a short of five pages. Can probably lose at least some of the Another Angle (Later) without any danger. In the context, theyíre sounding directorial, and get in the way. -- Not sure about this: FADE TO BLACK TEEN (V.O.) How well do you know your husband? Personally, I like your idea of the V.O. black screen. Just not sure how well it will play. Aw, heck, go for it!
I like the way you wrote the transition to the present, and your ambiguous ending: Will Teen blab or not?
As a Film Noir script, this would be very good. I understood everything well enough and I could totally imagine it being filmed in black and white Sin City style.
I think the biggest problem with the script is the secret. It's not big enough. The guy drinks with a homeless guy and sleeps with a prostitute, I was expecting bigger. You had more pages to play with, I think this could have been so much better with much more at stake if the teen tells all to the woman.
Writing was great. Very visual, I could picture everything. Some things could be cut in your descriptions but we're all guilty of that at some point. I also noticed you missed a question mark on your very first line of dialogue and again on the bottom of page two. I feared the worst at that point but I'm glad I was proved wrong.
Overall, I'd be very interested to see this filmed in black and white. I was impressed when I read this, then I read the comments and I can't say I agree with the majority of them. Maybe it's just personal taste, I don't know.