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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April, 2009 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - Riverside Afternoon
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  Author    OWC - Riverside Afternoon  (currently 3665 views)
Abe from LA
Posted: April 20th, 2009, 6:46am Report to Moderator
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Hey Michel,

I see where you're going with this script, but you don't reach that goal.
Way too much first-page descriptions.  Look at the inconsistencies at how your give ages.
Fix those things.
There was a lot of dialogue early on that was expositional, on the nose -- there to give us background information.  
The first part of the story seemed to languish.  It lacked the energy of the back end.

Once the search for Lily starts, the script perks up.
My biggest issue besides the aforementioned is that I didn't understand Lily's motivations.
Was her plan to commit suicide at the picnic?
Lily it seems pulled the trigger, but when found, is under the black man's body.  That's an easy fix.

Is the old black man supposed to be Cheryl's father?  She said he left at an early age and you seem to hint at this in the story.  If this is true, give us something more substantial.  Even if it's something in Cheryl's physical appearance.

Anyway, there are things to cut out, but that shouldn't be an overwhelming task.  But we do need to see more of Lily and know her motivations.  As written here, she seemed tagged on.

You've done better work, but this story could be pretty nice with certain fixings.
Good luck.
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Higgonaitor
Posted: April 20th, 2009, 10:21pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Michel,
Finally got a chance to start reading some of these:

I liked this one.  English is not your first language, and there are quite a few grammatical hang ups and awkward phrases in this, but really not an overpowering amount, so good job there.  if you'd like, and if we use the same software, you could send it to me and I"d be happy to find them and re-write them in a more acceptable styler.

As for your story, my only real hang up is that we don't really, as an audience, get to know or care that much about lily.  I don't believe she has a single line in the whole script--yet its really about her in the end.  Maybe make a scene in the beginning where she interacts with some of the other characters you set up.  As it is now, the secret doesnt really seem to be that big of a deal.

I hope this helps. PM me if you want to take me up on the offer to help you with some of the grammar.

--Tyler


NEW!Everquenching Lemonade:Thirsty for a comedy short?
And the Rest!

Watch Squirt! (My web-series!)
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George Willson
Posted: April 24th, 2009, 4:07pm Report to Moderator
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That was interesting at least. It looks like you still need to work on your English quite a bit since a lot of phrases were very confusing and took some thought to figure out what you were saying.

Once I got past that, it was ok. The stereotypes were in full force here with the daughter and son along with the parents who inexplicably can't explain or even personally justify how their kids are the way they are. The grandmother present for the picnic, yet napping on the side of the stream was ok as well and served the stereotype at least.

The ending was a bit of a surprise, and yet I wonder the implications of it all. There's also quite a bit of it that doesn't make sense time-wise. It seems to imply that Lily actually did marry the black man and Cheryl is their child since he wasn't present throughout her life. However, why would their union still be a secret? The horror of inter-racial marriages passed away almost fully after the 50's or 60's. Lily is in her 60's, so if she is the mean age of 65, that would her born in 1944. She would have been 18 in 1962 when she met this man. For her to socially hook up with a black man would put her in the part of a country with a black populace, and it's all too likely an interracial union would be more acceptable in that area than in one with a predominantly white population. Cheryl being in her late thirties would put her born in around 1968, and by that time, an interracial couple, while not commonplace, would not be shunned out of society.

However, I don't know the socio-political or racial climates of the UK or Australia during those time frames since your little family appears to be from one of those areas as evidenced by the non-American mother reference of "mum."

But a photograph from 1962 would hardly look as old as all that either. In fact, it wouldn't be unheard of for that picture to be in color, since it would have to have been taken with a home camera.

So it doesn't really work out logically there at the end, but the intent was good. It was decent.


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michel
Posted: April 25th, 2009, 1:26pm Report to Moderator
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First of all I want to thank everyone who had patience reading and reviewing my script. As a general critic (except TommP!) my English grammar and sentence structure are poor. I plead guilty. As an excuse, I would say that it is the first script I wrote for more than one year, and I miss practice. Talking about practice, I did just before "Memories" to get back on the saddle again and I barely had any remarks on what I've been blamed of here. Anyway, I'll try to improve my style like I did in the past.

Quoted from Tommyp
A real drama! This was very well written and I enjoyed the story. It did have a lot of characters for a short though... and I lost track once or twice.

Thank you.

Quoted from Dreamscale
BUT...at least you ended things up with a story of sorts, and a reason for the script.  It didn't work for me at all, but of the first 3 I've read, it's the best.  

At least, that's quite positive.

Quoted from MBCgirl

Wish I could say something positive as I usually try to find something encouraging to say.

Try next time

Quoted from JamminGirl

Sorry, I wont read  this any further.

Very constructive.

Quoted from Andrew
Without the OWC time restriction, I think your ideas will be more developed and better for it.

That's what I think too.

Quoted from Grandma Bear

I thought at first she was being raped.

That's what I wanted people to think in the first moment.

Quoted from Grandma Bear

That seems sort of selfish to not care about the others. And was this planned? Did they plan to meet there and do this? That would be really bad if that was the case.

Suicide is always selfish. You think of you in first, never mind the consequances for the relatives. In fact, in my head, only did planned the killing.

Quoted from Abe from LA
Is the old black man supposed to be Cheryl's father?  She said he left at an early age and you seem to hint at this in the story.  If this is true, give us something more substantial.  Even if it's something in Cheryl's physical appearance.

That's a good point Abe. I considered that point but I thought it would be too obvious when they find the two bodies. I could described Cheryl as a metis, but it would have too easy. In fact, my lack of practice in English and the extreme short time to write made me miss several things I do regret.

Quoted from Higgonaitor
PM me if you want to take me up on the offer to help you with some of the grammar.

I will when I'll rewrite it. Thank you.

Quoted from George Willson
The stereotypes were in full force here with the daughter and son along with the parents who inexplicably can't explain or even personally justify how their kids are the way they are. The grandmother present for the picnic, yet napping on the side of the stream was ok as well and served the stereotype at least.

Unfortunately, in a short, you have to sometimes go through those kinds of things.

Quoted from George Willson
It seems to imply that Lily actually did marry the black man and Cheryl is their child since he wasn't present throughout her life.

Well... Here's the background story as it was intended:
When she was young Lily was very much in love with a Black man. but her family was against that union. That's why she did her life on her own, and the Black man on his. Then, Lily married Cheryl's father who couldn't stand to know that she were still in love with her youth love. That's was he left. Lily and the Black men saw each other all these years, but he was still married. Till the picnic date. When they met, they start to make love, but as Lily didn't want to lose him again, she killed him and kills herself. That's the meaning of the words on the picture.

I couldn't interactive sooner with Lily because I wanted to surprise audience. The only warning sign from her is when she takes a glimpse at her watch. It means she had a date with someone, that's why she disappeared.

In fact, I realize that in 12 pages I put the content of maybe one whole feature.

Like I said before, I'll try to do better next time.

Michel







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