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I didn't plan on submitting an entry after Phil announced the genre/theme, as drama is not something I usually write, and I haven't been on a picnic since a first grade field trip.
Having said that, I got an idea for an OWC story two days before the deadline. I figured it wouldn't hurt to at least give it a shot. I tampered with the idea, expanded on some things and deleted others. Ultimately, I was satisfied enough with my outline to actually put the script together. Flawed or not, I'm happy with the outcome.
Michelle's revelation comes out of nowhere. I think for her to say that, Will would have to snap at her when she tries comforting him about his guilt forcing her to reveal he's not the father.
Quoted from George Willson
Where the problem came in was that pesky secret. It came out of no where, and got a quick explanation to it, but it seemed almost unnecessary. He's having a big problem with the incident to begin with, and it feels like Michelle is giving Will a chance to leave or something. Someone bringing up that kind of thing is just crappy. If he leaves, he's a heel. So he has to stay but now, with the secret out, he's just got to live with and deal with it. She might as well have kept it to herself.
My goal with this script was to write a story about getting over the guilt caused by bad, irreversible memories.
There's Will's guilt over Jake's accident, and Michelle's guilt over her own adultery. When you can't change the past, the only thing left to do is move on. Michelle feels that her guilt could change Will's perspective on his own, and then he can stop blaming himself for something he can't take back.
I'm confident that I can make it work in the long run, but it'll take a lot of time that I'm not ready to invest. For now, I challenged myself (the point of the OWC), and I'd like to think I succeeded for the most part.
I haven't looked to see who this is by, so I want you to know I have not read any of the reviews and just reviewing as I normally would, whether I knew who you were or not.
I think you wrote a compelling story. Some things that you can work on doing in a clean up of this script is remember to show not tell. Descriptions can fall into that category. Things that have to do with feelings, emotion are hard to write as they aren't something you can always show.
Descriptions for scenes should be exactly what the camera is able to show us.
I underrstand why you would write your first page or so this way as you wanted to get us into the emotional story.
You did a great job of taking us to a place of torment and I think the flash backs for Will helped to solidify that aspect. The twist revealed by the secret wasn't a surprise for me in some ways...as that would be a natural way to remove the guilt of killing or hurting ones own child...BUT...in Will's mind, Jake is/was his child and I don't think he would get over it that easy. I can understand why Michelle wanted to remove that quilt from him...but there could have been more there by way of dialogue between them.
Since it was a shorter script, I think you could add more in to help support his response - just before Jake comes down the hill.
I love words and the fact that when the page is blank...there's nothing there until words are formulated in my brain. Those thoughts...rushing through my viens and out my finger tips, find "life" on the page.
When people and places come to life...that to me is exciting.
MBCgirl =) My finger nails should look nice while I type - Red works!
I thought from page one that it was a couple that had lost a kid. When there was a creek surrounding the place, I assumed the kid had drowned. I'm glad you revealed things to be different at the end. I thought that made it even more emotional.
Writing was was nice too.
I don't really have anything to suggest to make it better. I think it's good the way it is. Maybe explain a little better what it was Michelle was trying to reveal as a secret...
It was a great effort for the OWC and you didn't even need 12 pages to tell the story either.
Hello! I'm sorry, sham, I cant say I really liked this one.
I feel like its a little bit cliched, and comes off a bit melo-dramatic.
Your best bet would be to just tone this down...a lot. Work with subtlety and ambiguity. Try to get your audience to know the wholes tory of Jake without actually telling them. Show them through the awkwardness between the husband and the wife, and I think it will improve your story.
As it is right now, it definitely comes off as melo-dramtic, like something from a soap opera. Just my opinion.