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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April, 2009 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - Guilt
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  Author    OWC - Guilt  (currently 3386 views)
Sham
Posted: April 18th, 2009, 7:44pm Report to Moderator
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Hello, everyone! This was my script for the OWC.

I didn't plan on submitting an entry after Phil announced the genre/theme, as drama is not something I usually write, and I haven't been on a picnic since a first grade field trip.

Having said that, I got an idea for an OWC story two days before the deadline. I figured it wouldn't hurt to at least give it a shot. I tampered with the idea, expanded on some things and deleted others. Ultimately, I was satisfied enough with my outline to actually put the script together. Flawed or not, I'm happy with the outcome.


Quoted from Andrew Allen
I did enjoy it


Quoted from JonnyBoy
Right on the money for me


Quoted from JamminGirl
Good twists. Nice ending.


Quoted from Zombie Sean
I thought this one was pretty good. I enjoyed it.


Quoted from Dreamscale
This was pretty decent.


Quoted from bobtheballa
Strong writing ability on display and met the challenge requirements easily.


Quoted from ReaperCreeper
It met the challenge and the Drama was heavy enough, I'd give this a 7/10


Quoted from Brian M
pretty impressive.


Quoted from George Willson
well written


Quoted from jayrex
Met the challenge head-on and passed. This one's in my top three.


Quoted from Astrid
I liked this one a lot too. Lots of layers. beautiful : )


Quoted from Colkurtz8
The writing was good and the twist was there, you ticked all the boxes with this one.


Quoted from grademan
Not bad for a OWC script.


Quoted from michel
A quite heart rending story.


All of this is appreciated, more than any of you could ever know. Thank you!

I'll try to reply to some of your comments and offer my own insight.


Quoted from Andrew Allen
Ok, I liked this one, but - the flashbacks? I think you can lose them. For me, they add absolutely nothing to the story but make it cliche.

I actually didn't have the flashbacks the first time I wrote it, but I came to the conclusion that some readers who hate ambiguity would at least appreciate the effort.

I think the flashbacks give just enough information so it doesn't seem like Will was just being negligent by allowing his son in the creek.


Quoted from JonnyBoy
You did a decent job at misdirection, although the importance of the new signs was somewhat lost on me.

The signs tell park visitors to stay out of the creek. I was going for subtlety, but if it's a failed attempt, I can always change it.


Quoted from JamminGirl
This line: Will
looks up, follows the bird as it swoops down and lands on
the edge of the distant sidewalk

so their looking to bring bird trainers in then...?

Budget was never my concern when writing this.

The idea behind this visual was that Will finally looks up, and the first thing he sees brings him right back down to the day of his son's accident.


Quoted from Dreamscale
Way too short...why didn't you add more here?  I don't understand why it is so short.

There's a selfish reason for this, unfortunately.

I thought the shorter I made the script, the more readers I would get from this OWC. It ultimately backfired and weakened the script, and even though I got quite a few readers, it wasn't worth it.


Quoted from Brian M
Michelle's revelation comes out of nowhere. I think for her to say that, Will would have to snap at her when she tries comforting him about his guilt forcing her to reveal he's not the father.


Quoted from George Willson
Where the problem came in was that pesky secret. It came out of no where, and got a quick explanation to it, but it seemed almost unnecessary. He's having a big problem with the incident to begin with, and it feels like Michelle is giving Will a chance to leave or something. Someone bringing up that kind of thing is just crappy. If he leaves, he's a heel. So he has to stay but now, with the secret out, he's just got to live with and deal with it. She might as well have kept it to herself.

My goal with this script was to write a story about getting over the guilt caused by bad, irreversible memories.

There's Will's guilt over Jake's accident, and Michelle's guilt over her own adultery. When you can't change the past, the only thing left to do is move on. Michelle feels that her guilt could change Will's perspective on his own, and then he can stop blaming himself for something he can't take back.

I'm confident that I can make it work in the long run, but it'll take a lot of time that I'm not ready to invest. For now, I challenged myself (the point of the OWC), and I'd like to think I succeeded for the most part.

Again, thank you!


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MBCgirl
Posted: April 19th, 2009, 12:41pm Report to Moderator
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Some things are better left to the imagination!

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I haven't looked to see who this is by, so I want you to know I have not read any of the reviews and just reviewing as I normally would, whether I knew who you were or not.

I think you wrote a compelling story.  Some things that you can work on doing in a clean up of this script is remember to show not tell.  Descriptions can fall into that category.  Things that have to do with feelings, emotion are hard to write as they aren't something you can always show.

Descriptions for scenes should be exactly what the camera is able to show us.

I underrstand why you would write your first page or so this way as you wanted to get us into the emotional story.

You did a great job of taking us to a place of torment and I think the flash backs for Will helped to solidify that aspect.   The twist revealed by the secret wasn't a surprise for me in some ways...as that would be a natural way to remove the guilt of killing or hurting ones own child...BUT...in Will's mind, Jake is/was his child and I don't think he would get over it that easy.  I can understand why Michelle wanted to remove that quilt from him...but there could have been more there by way of dialogue between them.

Since it was a shorter script, I think you could add more in to help support his response  - just before Jake comes down the hill.

Good job overall and certainly a good effort.

Morgan


http://www.myspace.com/mbcgirl  

I love words and the fact that when the page is blank...there's nothing there until words are formulated in my brain. Those thoughts...rushing through my viens and out my finger tips, find "life" on the page.  

When people and places come to life...that to me is exciting.


MBCgirl =)
My finger nails should look nice while I type - Red works!

Revision History (1 edits)
MBCgirl  -  April 19th, 2009, 1:10pm
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Angry Bear
Posted: April 20th, 2009, 1:27pm Report to Moderator
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I thought you did really good with this one.

I twas heartbreaking drama.

I thought from page one that it was a couple that had lost a kid. When there was a creek surrounding the place, I assumed the kid had drowned. I'm glad you revealed things to be different at the end. I thought that made it even more emotional.

Writing was was nice too.

I don't really have anything to suggest to make it better. I think it's good the way it is. Maybe explain a little better what it was Michelle was trying to reveal as a secret...

It was a great effort for the OWC and you didn't even need 12 pages to tell the story either.  


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Higgonaitor
Posted: April 20th, 2009, 8:35pm Report to Moderator
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Hello!
I'm sorry, sham, I cant say I really liked this one.

I feel like its a little bit cliched, and comes off a bit melo-dramatic.

Your best bet would be to just tone this down...a lot.  Work with subtlety and ambiguity.  Try to get your audience to know the wholes tory of Jake without actually telling them.  Show them through the awkwardness between the husband and the wife, and I think it will improve your story.

As it is right now, it definitely comes off as melo-dramtic, like something from a soap opera.  Just my opinion.

Hope I helped,
Tyler


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