SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is September 20th, 2020, 11:34pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)

blah, blah, blah challenge scripts are posted.

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April, 2009 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - Guilt
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    OWC - Guilt  (currently 3528 views)
Don
Posted: April 11th, 2009, 9:42am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
14131
Posts Per Day
1.97
Guilt by C.S. James - Short, Drama - A guilt-ridden couple returns to the scene of the accident that changed their lives. - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

SimplyScripts Masks can be purchased at: facebook.com/UCanBeSafe/
-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
Andrew
Posted: April 11th, 2009, 11:07am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
1670
Posts Per Day
0.39
To whom it may concern!

Ok, I liked this one, but - the flashbacks? I think you can lose them. For me, they add absolutely nothing to the story but make it cliche. I am thinking you probably added them to set up the surprise that Jake is paralysed - when we had been anticipating he would be dead.  However, I still find them to be unnecessary, as we've seen it so many times before. The revelation that Will is not the father is a nice twist, and added a depth to this story.

There was just too much unnecessary description there I feel, particularly on page one. Do we really need to know about the grape? Do we need to know she wipes her hands in her jeans? I didn't particularly like this:


Quoted Text
A gentle, rocky creek encapsulates the park like a tiny trench.


It just felt bloated and not very vivid.

Having said all that, I did enjoy it, but feel like there was too much here that could be removed.

Andrew


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 18
JonnyBoy
Posted: April 11th, 2009, 11:41am Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
London, England
Posts
995
Posts Per Day
0.23
Meeting the competition criteria: definitely dramatic (to the point of melodramatic). Three generations of the same family, all on a picnic, and a secret revealed towards the end. Right on the money for me - 10/10
Characters: neither Will nor Michelle were particularly interesting. Jake, however, I did feel genuine sympathy for - 6/10
Dialogue: everything happened a bit to quickly, IMO. You had five more pages to play around with the relationship between Will and Michelle, try to lead us off in the wrong direction. At the moment it's all too intense, too crammed full of drama - 5/10
Story: I think you do need the flashbacks, and I was surprised when Jake turned up (although Michelle using the present tense about his paternity alerted me that something might be up). Again, though, it feels rushed. You did a decent job at misdirection, although the importance of the new signs was somewhat lost on me. The slightly more up-beat ending was nice - 6/10
Writing/format: you're guilty of over-writing, particularly on the first page. 'Michelle slowly pushing the grape into her mouth' was really the limit, for me. You just put too much detail in. Format was fine - 5/10

TOTAL: 33/50


Guess who's back? Back again?
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 2 - 18
JamminGirl
Posted: April 11th, 2009, 2:26pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
Toronto Ont.
Posts
335
Posts Per Day
0.08
I don't agree that it was rushed when we're speaking of a big story within a short. Shorts are just that. Short.

That being said, I didn't particularly like the minutiae in the beginning. I get that you were trying to set a oh hum marriage tone, but it was a bit... much.

This line: Will
looks up, follows the bird as it swoops down and lands on
the edge of the distant sidewalk


so their looking to bring bird trainers in then...?

And what's with descriptions like but even with her silky black hair and green eyes, are you seeking specific actors? Remember, this is not a novella.

Good twists. Nice ending.


Family Picnic 10 pages.

After the Trade 3 pages

by T. Jasmine Hylton
Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 18
Zombie Sean
Posted: April 11th, 2009, 2:47pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


A boozer, a user, and a two-time loser

Location
Anywhere there's a zombie...
Posts
1393
Posts Per Day
0.25
Along with Andrew here, the flashbacks were unnecessary. They seemed too quick to actually be considered flashbacks. If you don't know what's going on in them, then what's the point? You have a kid bending down to pick something up. Okay. You have a foot slipping on a rock, a kid's gasp, a man's scream. Better, but what's going on? Also, I did feel as though you were leading up to the fact that Jake was dead, but I actually liked that you didn't go that way. It's a bitter-sweet thing. I'm happy he's alive, but also really depressed that he's paralyzed.

Your descriptions were well written, but more like a novel than a script. A word or two I didn't know, but you did a good job with visuals.

This was a really dramatic piece, but it was really, really dramatic. Almost to the point where it was, like, cheesy dramatic (especially the whole "grabs face and lip quivers") part. I actually kind of shook my head and crack a tiny smile at that part.

But other than that stuffs, I thought this one was pretty good. I enjoyed it.

Sean


MY WEBSITE

CLICK A POSTER
Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 18
Dreamscale
Posted: April 11th, 2009, 6:58pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
11366
Posts Per Day
2.43
This was pretty decent.  Like others haev said, too much description early on, for no reason.  Too dramatic. Way too short...why didn't you add more here?  I don't understand why it is so short.  Good twist, but again, a bit too depressing and over dramatic for my liking.

Decent overall though.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 18
bobtheballa
Posted: April 12th, 2009, 12:32am Report to Moderator
Guest User



Not much to add here. Strong writing ability on display and met the challenge requirements easily.

I'll admit you had me fooled into thinking Jake was dead though Will didn't dwell on the fact that it wasn't his kid very long. Since that was the big secret I would build on that a little more before the big reveal.

Like I said, most of my thoughts have already been said on here. A decent script for one week... good luck with this.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 6 - 18
ReaperCreeper
Posted: April 12th, 2009, 4:46am Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
Wisconsin
Posts
975
Posts Per Day
0.19
I liked this one. I think it met the challenge nicely. The dialogue could be tweaked a bit but it worked well within the confines of your story.

I really thought Jake was dead -- you fooled me. It is a sad thing that he's on a chair, but I guess it's better than him not being alive. I suggest you give us even more hints that he is truly dead, so it comes as more of a surprise when we finally see him.

Also, I think you should expand at least a little bit more on the relationship between Michelle and Will.  But I think, for what little time we spend with them on this short, you did a good job of conveying their situation through non-verbal actions and gestures.  

It met the challenge and the Drama was heavy enough, I'd give this a 7/10

--Julio
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 18
Brian M
Posted: April 12th, 2009, 6:33am Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
Glasgow
Posts
434
Posts Per Day
0.10
You got me with the twist about Jake, it's good that he's still alive. The flashbacks were short but helped build up towards the ending so I wouldn't lose them.

Michelle's revelation comes out of nowhere. I think for her to say that, Will would have to snap at her when she tries comforting him about his guilt forcing her to reveal he's not the father.

Otherwise, pretty impressive.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 18
George Willson
Posted: April 13th, 2009, 11:36am Report to Moderator
Moderator


Doctor who? Yes, quite right.

Location
Broken Arrow
Posts
3593
Posts Per Day
0.62
Well, I'll have to say I thought I knew what was coming with the flashbacks, but I was fooled. Not that Jake has a happy twist, but hey, he's not dead. It had a nice build to it, and everything unfolded little by little. Nicely done there. I didn't have a big problem with the over-descriptiveness at the beginning, except for the river trench part. That read weird. I saw the pacing in the description as you lead the reader little by little into the story. You were setting up a sort of tense moment, and it worked for me.

Where the problem came in was that pesky secret. It came out of no where, and got a quick explanation to it, but it seemed almost unnecessary. He's having a big problem with the incident to begin with, and it feels like Michelle is giving Will a chance to leave or something. Someone bringing up that kind of thing is just crappy. If he leaves, he's a heel. So he has to stay but now, with the secret out, he's just got to live with and deal with it. She might as well have kept it to herself.

Sure, the guilt thing fits, but it's just too much for the moment. He's dealing with enough to have that laid on him too. I can see him putting on a fine face now, but we'll find him hanging from the rafters later.

It was well written, but the secret itself (the point of the challenge) killed it.



Revision History (1 edits)
George Willson  -  April 13th, 2009, 11:50am
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 9 - 18
jayrex
Posted: April 14th, 2009, 5:28pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Cut to three weeks earlier

Location
London, UK
Posts
1389
Posts Per Day
0.27
I enjoyed this one.  Good descriptions that perfectly painted a picture.  The flashbacks are fine, I can see no problems with them.  The secret was a great one as this was by far not what I was expecting.

I have no complaints overall.  Met the challenge head-on and passed.

This one's in my top three.



Revision History (1 edits)
jayrex  -  April 19th, 2009, 2:42pm
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 10 - 18
Astrid
Posted: April 15th, 2009, 9:03pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



I liked this one a lot too. Lots of layers. beautiful : )

Loved the ending.

Hate ta complain about any thing, but one thing that I found a little distracting (not a big deal) was the adverbs. Most of them weren't necessary.

Great job!

Logged
e-mail Reply: 11 - 18
Colkurtz8
Posted: April 17th, 2009, 5:54am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1749
Posts Per Day
0.40
To whom it may concern

I thought this was gonna be the standard "tortured past" piece with a big confrontation at the end, a lot of shouting, crying, etc...but it took a nice twist with the emergence of Jake over the hill as the reader is led to believe he died at this particular site. The opening dialogue was on the money when Michelle talks about boring, meningless stuff as a desperate attempt to ellicit some reaction out of Will or  make him feel comfortable when he clearly isn't.

The "secret" revealed is a little hackneyed but at the same time I never saw it coming, all credit to Will for keeping is head but you can imagine things are gonna erupt somewhere in the not too distant future.

The writing was good and the twist was there, you ticked all the boxes with this one.

Nice job


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 18
grademan
Posted: April 17th, 2009, 12:30pm Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
Wisconsin
Posts
877
Posts Per Day
0.21
Not bad for a OWC script.  Sure it coulda been longer and some trimming done but it met the challenge. Nice ending.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 18
michel
Posted: April 17th, 2009, 4:50pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
France
Posts
1158
Posts Per Day
0.22
A quite heart rending story. It doesnt' need to be longer, though I think little Jake's accident should be more spectacular (or erased). Also, Will's reaction top Michelle's secret has to be more underlined.

One more thing, psychologically, I can't see how it could help Will to come back where the accident took place.

Michel


Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 14 - 18
Sham
Posted: April 18th, 2009, 9:44pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
USA
Posts
360
Posts Per Day
0.07
Hello, everyone! This was my script for the OWC.

I didn't plan on submitting an entry after Phil announced the genre/theme, as drama is not something I usually write, and I haven't been on a picnic since a first grade field trip.

Having said that, I got an idea for an OWC story two days before the deadline. I figured it wouldn't hurt to at least give it a shot. I tampered with the idea, expanded on some things and deleted others. Ultimately, I was satisfied enough with my outline to actually put the script together. Flawed or not, I'm happy with the outcome.


Quoted from Andrew Allen
I did enjoy it


Quoted from JonnyBoy
Right on the money for me


Quoted from JamminGirl
Good twists. Nice ending.


Quoted from Zombie Sean
I thought this one was pretty good. I enjoyed it.


Quoted from Dreamscale
This was pretty decent.


Quoted from bobtheballa
Strong writing ability on display and met the challenge requirements easily.


Quoted from ReaperCreeper
It met the challenge and the Drama was heavy enough, I'd give this a 7/10


Quoted from Brian M
pretty impressive.


Quoted from George Willson
well written


Quoted from jayrex
Met the challenge head-on and passed. This one's in my top three.


Quoted from Astrid
I liked this one a lot too. Lots of layers. beautiful : )


Quoted from Colkurtz8
The writing was good and the twist was there, you ticked all the boxes with this one.


Quoted from grademan
Not bad for a OWC script.


Quoted from michel
A quite heart rending story.


All of this is appreciated, more than any of you could ever know. Thank you!

I'll try to reply to some of your comments and offer my own insight.


Quoted from Andrew Allen
Ok, I liked this one, but - the flashbacks? I think you can lose them. For me, they add absolutely nothing to the story but make it cliche.

I actually didn't have the flashbacks the first time I wrote it, but I came to the conclusion that some readers who hate ambiguity would at least appreciate the effort.

I think the flashbacks give just enough information so it doesn't seem like Will was just being negligent by allowing his son in the creek.


Quoted from JonnyBoy
You did a decent job at misdirection, although the importance of the new signs was somewhat lost on me.

The signs tell park visitors to stay out of the creek. I was going for subtlety, but if it's a failed attempt, I can always change it.


Quoted from JamminGirl
This line: Will
looks up, follows the bird as it swoops down and lands on
the edge of the distant sidewalk

so their looking to bring bird trainers in then...?

Budget was never my concern when writing this.

The idea behind this visual was that Will finally looks up, and the first thing he sees brings him right back down to the day of his son's accident.


Quoted from Dreamscale
Way too short...why didn't you add more here?  I don't understand why it is so short.

There's a selfish reason for this, unfortunately.

I thought the shorter I made the script, the more readers I would get from this OWC. It ultimately backfired and weakened the script, and even though I got quite a few readers, it wasn't worth it.


Quoted from Brian M
Michelle's revelation comes out of nowhere. I think for her to say that, Will would have to snap at her when she tries comforting him about his guilt forcing her to reveal he's not the father.


Quoted from George Willson
Where the problem came in was that pesky secret. It came out of no where, and got a quick explanation to it, but it seemed almost unnecessary. He's having a big problem with the incident to begin with, and it feels like Michelle is giving Will a chance to leave or something. Someone bringing up that kind of thing is just crappy. If he leaves, he's a heel. So he has to stay but now, with the secret out, he's just got to live with and deal with it. She might as well have kept it to herself.

My goal with this script was to write a story about getting over the guilt caused by bad, irreversible memories.

There's Will's guilt over Jake's accident, and Michelle's guilt over her own adultery. When you can't change the past, the only thing left to do is move on. Michelle feels that her guilt could change Will's perspective on his own, and then he can stop blaming himself for something he can't take back.

I'm confident that I can make it work in the long run, but it'll take a lot of time that I'm not ready to invest. For now, I challenged myself (the point of the OWC), and I'd like to think I succeeded for the most part.

Again, thank you!


Logged
Private Message Reply: 15 - 18
MBCgirl
Posted: April 19th, 2009, 2:41pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Some things are better left to the imagination!

Location
Scottsdale
Posts
385
Posts Per Day
0.09
I haven't looked to see who this is by, so I want you to know I have not read any of the reviews and just reviewing as I normally would, whether I knew who you were or not.

I think you wrote a compelling story.  Some things that you can work on doing in a clean up of this script is remember to show not tell.  Descriptions can fall into that category.  Things that have to do with feelings, emotion are hard to write as they aren't something you can always show.

Descriptions for scenes should be exactly what the camera is able to show us.

I underrstand why you would write your first page or so this way as you wanted to get us into the emotional story.

You did a great job of taking us to a place of torment and I think the flash backs for Will helped to solidify that aspect.   The twist revealed by the secret wasn't a surprise for me in some ways...as that would be a natural way to remove the guilt of killing or hurting ones own child...BUT...in Will's mind, Jake is/was his child and I don't think he would get over it that easy.  I can understand why Michelle wanted to remove that quilt from him...but there could have been more there by way of dialogue between them.

Since it was a shorter script, I think you could add more in to help support his response  - just before Jake comes down the hill.

Good job overall and certainly a good effort.

Morgan


http://www.myspace.com/mbcgirl  

I love words and the fact that when the page is blank...there's nothing there until words are formulated in my brain. Those thoughts...rushing through my viens and out my finger tips, find "life" on the page.  

When people and places come to life...that to me is exciting.


MBCgirl =)
My finger nails should look nice while I type - Red works!

Revision History (1 edits)
MBCgirl  -  April 19th, 2009, 3:10pm
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Windows Live Messenger Reply: 16 - 18
Grandma Bear
Posted: April 20th, 2009, 3:27pm Report to Moderator
God of the SimplyScriptsVerse



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
6831
Posts Per Day
1.49
I thought you did really good with this one.

I twas heartbreaking drama.

I thought from page one that it was a couple that had lost a kid. When there was a creek surrounding the place, I assumed the kid had drowned. I'm glad you revealed things to be different at the end. I thought that made it even more emotional.

Writing was was nice too.

I don't really have anything to suggest to make it better. I think it's good the way it is. Maybe explain a little better what it was Michelle was trying to reveal as a secret...

It was a great effort for the OWC and you didn't even need 12 pages to tell the story either.  


Logged
Private Message Reply: 17 - 18
Higgonaitor
Posted: April 20th, 2009, 10:35pm Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
(40.717261, -73.600087)
Posts
937
Posts Per Day
0.16
Hello!
I'm sorry, sham, I cant say I really liked this one.

I feel like its a little bit cliched, and comes off a bit melo-dramatic.

Your best bet would be to just tone this down...a lot.  Work with subtlety and ambiguity.  Try to get your audience to know the wholes tory of Jake without actually telling them.  Show them through the awkwardness between the husband and the wife, and I think it will improve your story.

As it is right now, it definitely comes off as melo-dramtic, like something from a soap opera.  Just my opinion.

Hope I helped,
Tyler


NEW!Everquenching Lemonade:Thirsty for a comedy short?
And the Rest!

Watch Squirt! (My web-series!)
Logged
Site Private Message AIM Reply: 18 - 18
 Pages: 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    April, 2009 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006