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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April, 2009 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - The First Stone
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  Author    OWC - The First Stone  (currently 2868 views)
bobtheballa
Posted: April 18th, 2009, 2:30pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Blakkwolfe
Character count was actually cut down from the original version...It's two families, Beth's family and Theo's family. May not have been as much of a problem had the character voicing been a bit better.


Elaborating a bit on your response, maybe it's because my politics align rather closely with yours, but I got all of what you were going for with Theo and didn't think he was over the top (sign of the times). I enjoyed his sermon and his distorted view of reality. The other characters weren't nearly as interesting, and since very little of the story involves him (shows him, obviously he plays a big part in it but we don't see him through any of it) it suffers and I think you have a great opportunity to make them more interesting just playing off of Theo. Why would these people be associating with Theo if they didn't buy into the 'religious right' as well? My initial review seemed a little harsh so hopefully this was more helpful.


Quoted from Blakkwolfe
I like hot girls in Daisy Dukes.


Who doesn't?
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MBCgirl
Posted: April 19th, 2009, 1:53pm Report to Moderator
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I am just now reviewing a number of the ones I haven't had a chance to read yet...so I want you to know I have not checked to see any of the reviews already posted or who the writer is.

I liked the description of the park and the squirrel patrol   

I had a few issues with all the names...so many characters flying at you and in a short like this I think it might be better to keep that down a little.  It was cumbersome to the script and to comprehension.

Theo's character was built as an SOB...that became evident with all the negativity the man projected, so you did a great job accomplishing that.

It's the other characters I began to have a problem with.  Most christian folk...mad or not do not use the term "god damn".  It just seemed to be unnatural for me.  If Beth was once an abused wife by Theo...I don't think you would find her out there supporting him for anything. Way too unrealistic!   Too much of this became unbelievable and maybe it became a bit too cliche.

I also think, in front of people, Theo wouldn't let his true side show...I think he cared very much what people thought, yet he kicked his x-wife and said mean things for all to hear...if he had any followers...he wouldn't or shouldn't have them aftert that.

I think in the re-write, you should really analyze the true aspect of the story...that which you want to tell.  In some ways, at first, I thought this was going for a poligmist group.   

Found out it was about a hateful, perverted, mentally, spiritually troubled, wife beating, bible thumping (although I don't think he got any of his message from there), power hungry (I think this was more his problem) preacher.

I appreciate your effort...overall I think it wanted and needed more room to accomplish what you had in your head...more than these pages could allow and that made it fall short of the mark...sorry - it did not work for me in the end.

Morgan  


http://www.myspace.com/mbcgirl  

I love words and the fact that when the page is blank...there's nothing there until words are formulated in my brain. Those thoughts...rushing through my viens and out my finger tips, find "life" on the page.  

When people and places come to life...that to me is exciting.


MBCgirl =)
My finger nails should look nice while I type - Red works!
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Blakkwolfe
Posted: April 19th, 2009, 8:15pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Morgan...In retrospect, I would have liked the secret to have been that Beth, Sarah, Ashley and Troy all voted for Obama, but didn't think of that until yesterday...Such are the pits and perils of an OWC...

I agree about the Beth being beaten part, although women still tend to stay with thier men sometimes after that kind of treatment (Let him go, Rhianna! He's no good for ya, girl!)...It's a valid point, though, cause she became a stronger character in this version of the story...She wouldn't put up with this kind crap.

My main intention was a commentary on the hypocracy of the religious right (IMHO), and don't think I pulled that off very well...went in too many different directions and tangents that were not very effective...

Thanks for reading, though, and I appreciate your thoughts and comments!

T. Joe


Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
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MBCgirl
Posted: April 19th, 2009, 11:53pm Report to Moderator
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Some things are better left to the imagination!

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You are welcome dude   for sure!


http://www.myspace.com/mbcgirl  

I love words and the fact that when the page is blank...there's nothing there until words are formulated in my brain. Those thoughts...rushing through my viens and out my finger tips, find "life" on the page.  

When people and places come to life...that to me is exciting.


MBCgirl =)
My finger nails should look nice while I type - Red works!
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