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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April, 2009 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - Down Under
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JonnyBoy
Posted: April 23rd, 2009, 7:02pm Report to Moderator
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I know of the controversy surrounding this script, who knew what about who wrote it, altered reviews etc., so I've just ignored the other reviews and added my own.

Meeting the competition criteria: I'm pretty sure there was a picnic there, although I couldn't see much family involvement (yes, Antonia turns up, but still). This was bordering on sci fi rather than straight drama, but you DID have a secret. Generally, a decent job of meeting the criteria - 6/10
Characters: I can't decide whether I liked that you used celebrities, or whether it was in a sense cheating because it meant you didn't have to come up with characters of your own. Nope, just can't decide. They were all well-drawn and clearly defined, though - 5/10
Dialogue: I liked the last line. This was largely just functional, since you had quite a bit of plot to drive forward. It had some good moments - 5/10
Story: I was waiting to see what the ending would be throughout, which is a good sign. I liked your twist/double-twist, although you took your time getting there. But again I wonder why you used Nicole Kidman at all? What did she really add to the mixture? Unfortunately things dragged a little around the middle; maybe you cut have trimmed a couple of pages? - 4/10
Writing/format: the bit I can't really fault. Next-to-nothing wrong here. However, as you anticipated in your review request PM, I can't allow your blatant geographical error to pass unpunished - 7/10

TOTAL: 27/50

I think the effort's clearly here, but your execution is slightly lacking in certain areas. Still, good try! Anyone who made the effort to whip up an entry gets points in my book.


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Dreamscale
Posted: April 28th, 2009, 8:49pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Thanks for the read and feedback, Jon and Pia.  Totally appreciate it.

Jon - Damn, buddy, that's crushing.  Seriously crushing.  Sorry it didn't work for you.  I went for a humorous, light spoofy "drama" and hoped people would enjoy it.  I dont agree with your sci-fi label, as the only real sci-fi element is in the last paragraph, and I wouldn't even label it sci-fi from that, as I intened it to be a little off beat horror.  Oh well, it was fun to write this and I actually was cracking up the whole way through.

Pia - Glad it worked for you.  You're one of the few I guess that got it for what it was meant to be.

Thanks again you two!


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JonnyBoy
Posted: April 29th, 2009, 5:33am Report to Moderator
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Sorry Jeff! As I've said to everyone who entered, even coming up with an entry earns you my respect. Hopefully the next thing you write will work for me more.


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