SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is August 9th, 2020, 8:40am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for 2019 - 2020 award consideration
The Writer's Tournament is on!

Round 5 scripts are up!

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April, 2009 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - Picnic0410
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    OWC - Picnic0410  (currently 1570 views)
Don
Posted: April 13th, 2009, 11:01am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
13983
Posts Per Day
1.96
Picnic0410 by John J. Pershing - Short, Drama - Young man can't decide what to bring to a family picnic. - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
JonnyBoy
Posted: April 13th, 2009, 11:24am Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
London, England
Posts
995
Posts Per Day
0.23
I always get wary when I see a voiceover. Don't know why, I just do. People seem to think that they can write things in voiceovers they think would just look silly in normal dialogue. I myself have been guilty of massively over-using voiceovers in a script. It's just so easy to do.

Anyway, now for the scores.

Meeting the competition criteria: I suppose I would classify this as drama, since I can't see what else it would be. There is a family picnic, but I don't really think there's anything I could comfortably call a secret. That Jason owes his father money and that the juice is poisoned don't count as secrets, for me. Still, you ticked most of the boxes - 7/10
Characters: Jason had a bit of depth, but he was alone in that regard. The majority of the family members aren't even named before they die - 3/10
Dialogue: as I suspected, you're guilty of putting vaguely deep sounding stuff in the voiceovers that I doubt you'd put in normal dialogue. I wasn't a fan of it, generally. It was all mystery and no substance, in my eyes - 4/10
Story: too short and fragmented to make any sort of an impression on me. Also, Jason's insane if he thinks he's going to get away with poisoning his entire family. But maybe that's the point. The ending made NO sense to me, but see the next point - 4/10
Writing/format: I think, and I may be wrong, that you may have one typo that completely ruins your conclusion. Do you mean 'Jason sits at his place normally', rather than Peter? If you do, that makes sense, it's just a spectularly unfortunate typo. Generally, the writing and format are pretty good. Phrases like 'harsh sun' are close to being too much - 5/10

TOTAL: 23/50


Guess who's back? Back again?
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 1 - 14
Astrid
Posted: April 13th, 2009, 1:20pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Most of the writing was good, but one thing stood out, "Everyone drinks the juice. Smiles all around. Including Jason. But he only pretends to drink. Within minutes..."
What happens within those minutes? Soon every one is sweating and grabbing at their thoats, but thats  a long time for a 3 page script. It'd be a long time for 90 page script.

Maybe just not my cup of tea, but I felt pretty indifferent to it all at the end.  The characters weren't developed at all, and if people are going to die, I'd like to either hate them n celebrate their death, or like them n mourn their death. Here i just felt nothing.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 2 - 14
Grandma Bear
Posted: April 13th, 2009, 4:00pm Report to Moderator
God of the SimplyScriptsVerse



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
6808
Posts Per Day
1.50
I thought this one was okay.

It was short, but it did what you set out to do I think.

I agree with the minutes waiting until they all start to die, but that's an easy fix I think. Just write LATER: and show them eating and whatever when it hits them.

I thought "I'm tired of Kool-Aid was funny.

The writing was nice and I thought it was pretty good for 3 pages.  


Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 14
Brian M
Posted: April 13th, 2009, 4:12pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
Glasgow
Posts
434
Posts Per Day
0.10
I'm not really a fan of this to be honest. We didn't learn enough about Jason to understand why he wanted/had to kill all his family. Three pages is too short, it would have done a whole world of good to beef this up a bit, learn more about Jason and his problems in life.

The voice over was hard hitting at first, but isn't really needed in my opinion. In the TV show Dexter, the voiceover is used to perfection, getting into the head of a troubled person. The problem here is Jason doesn't seem as troubled as Dexter. He owes a bit of money, well, a lot of money, but kill his whole family? We're talking about 20 adults and children here. He has got to have more than dept on his head.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 14
seamus19382
Posted: April 13th, 2009, 4:59pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Posts
241
Posts Per Day
0.05
Yeah, this is the beginning of a good idea.  But you should have used some of the pages you didn't.  And I agree with Brian.  Killing the whole family seems a little extreme.

I do like what you have.  I just would like a little more.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 14
JamminGirl
Posted: April 13th, 2009, 9:49pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
Toronto Ont.
Posts
335
Posts Per Day
0.08
So let me ask, who poisoned the family, Jason or Peter? Jason pretended to drink but Peter is the one who smiles, gets up and walks away.

I didn't like the dialogue. It felt... unnatural. Dennis' monologue could've been broken up with wrylies or shortened. It was too much of a read. Tony, the perpetually smiling neighbor's, dark dialogue didn't gel.

Also, I knew none of the characters. Spend time to develope your characters.

So you're a kind of Kaufman-esque writer, eh? These existential issues...


Family Picnic 10 pages.

After the Trade 3 pages

by T. Jasmine Hylton
Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 14
Dreamscale
Posted: April 13th, 2009, 10:31pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
11359
Posts Per Day
2.45
I'm going to be careful and not be insensitive here.

I didn't like this at all.  It made little sense, and was way too short, but the majority of the prose is completely uneccessary VO, that goes nowhere and really comes off as meaning nothing for me.

As others have said, I left feeling flatline, not even sure what it was you were after.  I don't understand why writers choose to write so few pages in a challenge that is 12 pages.  So much more could have been done with this.

Doesn't work for me at all.  Sorry.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 14
steven8
Posted: April 13th, 2009, 11:24pm Report to Moderator
Regular


You're never alone...

Location
Barberton, OH
Posts
807
Posts Per Day
0.21
Whoa.  Jimmy Jones family picnic.  I'm confused as well.  Who did the poisoning?  Jason, or Peter.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 14
jayrex
Posted: April 15th, 2009, 4:54pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Cut to three weeks earlier

Location
London, UK
Posts
1389
Posts Per Day
0.28
I'm not a fan of this script.  

I can only guess that the writer has tried to write a script in a different and unusual way.  I don't get the overall objective of this script.  

The characters feel like they're trying to tell a story, but the story is really non-existent.


Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 9 - 14
rc1107
Posted: April 15th, 2009, 6:03pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Youngstown
Posts
1228
Posts Per Day
0.26
I'd have to say the best way to describe this story is 'pretentious'.

I think you were trying to go for something deep here and ultimately explain, or give a reason, why anybody would do a horrific act.  To free themselves and go on without any judgment and not look back.  And I think you tried to show that it's okay.

Whatever the reason, I have to say this failed.  His voiceover's were ambiguous at best, not really saying anything much and never answering anything.  And he was never rescued.  He just killed a bunch of people and kids that were close to him.  Only thing he could've been rescued from was his father's debt, but he said it was never about the money, Jason said.  Everything's way too cloudy.

You tried to be too deep in the voiceover's to explain his depression or whatever it is, and then, when it was time to do dialoge at the picnic, it sounded unreal and totally different from the rest of the script.  The dialoge at the picnic was very unreal and corny.

Sorry, but this story never really got me interested at any point whatsoever.


Logged
Private Message YIM Reply: 10 - 14
mythos
Posted: April 17th, 2009, 6:43am Report to Moderator
New-ish


Posts
16
Posts Per Day
0.00
Hmmm… not sure about this one. I got the impression that either (a) you wanted to explore some big themes but ran out of time and sketched out working notes in the form of this script, or (b) you wanted to convey a sense of confusion to echo what was happening in Jason’s head.
Either way, some points to consider if you were to rewrite:

Theme
Although some big issues are implied, the theme is not clear.
Your logline seems to bear no connection, nor offer any insight, to the story.
I imagine that your story would be significantly longer than three pages to allow you to adequately explore your chosen theme.

Characterization
Regardless of the extent of the script, we need to know enough about the characters to care about them.

It’s difficult to get a handle on Jason. Is he psychopathic or maybe psychotic - does he imagine TV Dennis is talking to him? What motivates him? What redeeming qualities does he have?  

Consider providing us with a reason to connect with some, as typical representatives, of the family at the picnic. About 20 people die, and yet they are just an abstraction – Peter, Rose, and Christopher do not provide sufficient traction.

Dialogue
My view is that you tried to convey the essence – what your story is really about – via dialogue. I can see glimpses of big ideas, but it needs clarity. Even if it’s chaos and madness - we still need to understand what it's all about. We're counting on you to provide insights.

I think you have a concept that could be developed, with sufficient work, into a very engaging script.  

A quote that I believe has value:

An artist is never at the mercy of the whims of impulse; he wilfully exercises his craft to create harmonies of instinct and idea. – Robert McKee


The journey is the reward.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 14
grademan
Posted: April 17th, 2009, 11:44am Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
Wisconsin
Posts
877
Posts Per Day
0.21
I liked the slacker gone wild part of this story. Over the top definitely. But it felt incomplete due to monloguing, voice overs, and confusing Peter and Jason in my mind as to who did the poisoning. In summary, a good idea with distractions.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 14
Zombie Sean
Posted: April 17th, 2009, 4:13pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


A boozer, a user, and a two-time loser

Location
Anywhere there's a zombie...
Posts
1391
Posts Per Day
0.26
The voiceovers were more like poetry that didn't seem to fit in with what was going on. Most of the time, I had no idea what he was talking about. You have his neighbor, who I don't understand why he's there in the first place. Peter's getting on Jason's ass about money, but how did Jason go into debt in the first place? And please, fix the typo about Peter smiling. It just makes everything even more confusing.

I can see this, though, as the type of movie with characters who are really chill and relaxed (like Dead Like Me or Wristcutters: A Love Story), which are my favourtie movies, really. They're chill, relaxed, almost monotonous, as if they don't really care for anything else, really.

Sean


MY WEBSITE

CLICK A POSTER
Logged
Private Message Reply: 13 - 14
Colkurtz8
Posted: April 18th, 2009, 2:36pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1749
Posts Per Day
0.40
This was a strange little one, but I enjoyed it for the most part. A bit heavy on the philosophical side but at 4 pages it was just the right length for something carrying this kind of tone.

I too am not a huge fan of VO but it was used effectively here. A little preachy in parts but entertaining overall. Da?n that father was a hard on to Jason. A lot of unanswered questions here too.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 14
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    April, 2009 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006