SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is June 17th, 2021, 7:28pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion forum, please send me a message. There is no online registration. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
June Challenge Cometh



The January Project!
If you want access to the January Project, click here

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April 2014 One Week Challange  ›  Shark Dreaming - OWC
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Shark Dreaming - OWC  (currently 4845 views)
Don
Posted: April 6th, 2014, 8:30am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
14735
Posts Per Day
1.98
Shark Dreaming by Bill Sarre (Reef Dreamer) - Short, Shark - After the death of his partner, a fisherman is tormented by a life changing decision he must make. - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

SimplyScripts Masks can be purchased at: facebook.com/UCanBeSafe/
-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  April 16th, 2014, 10:45am
New Link
Logged
Site Private Message
Forgive
Posted: April 6th, 2014, 10:02am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Let The Sky Fall

Location
Various, exotic.
Posts
1379
Posts Per Day
0.34
Best so far - having read all of two.

Writing's assured and well crafted apart from the slight on p.10 - "On floor the..."

Nice angle to come from, and pretty complicated to pull something like this off in a short.

I liked Jimmy stuggling to ride the bike and not giving up, and how this references Sharkie's internal turmoil.

Satifying twist at the end too, that took full account of the story.

I don't think there'll be many that are better than this.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 34
NickSedario
Posted: April 6th, 2014, 10:19am Report to Moderator
Guest User






Wow.  I did not get this at all.   Based on the above comment I'm actually gonna have to read it again.  

My apologies to the writer for such a useless review at this time.  On a positive note; formatting looked good.  

I'm just not too sure about the story.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 2 - 34
Dustin
Posted: April 6th, 2014, 12:24pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

Posts
5258
Posts Per Day
1.82
I'm going to have to come back to this one... it starts well, really well written, I'm just not feeling the story, seems like nothing is happening. I'll come back and reread later.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 34
mmmarnie
Posted: April 6th, 2014, 1:02pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
1050
Posts Per Day
0.27
This took a while to get going and it was a bit confusing. I liked the idea of the story...the name of the boat, tied into Sharkie's dreaming which led him to get rid of the boat and take care of Jimmy. It was a bit of a sleepy story though. Not much tension, not even with the shark looming over head. The ending felt a little too perfect and easy though.

Congrats on a good effort for this very challenging OWC.


ZERO tolerance for RUDE people.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 34
oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: April 6th, 2014, 3:57pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Posts
810
Posts Per Day
0.25
My initial thoughts on this was I constantly tried finding something to latch on to. The writing, characters, plot...something. It appears to be written well, but was a chore to get through. I was anticipating the dream sequences to move the story further, some kind of revelation or excitement.

All I took from it is that Sharkie's life was at a low, and he found happiness in the end. I would like to hear the author's thoughts on the story, could push me to a further understanding. It wasn't bad at all, the plot just needed to be more engaging.

Solid effort,

Johnny
Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 34
stevie
Posted: April 6th, 2014, 11:20pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Down Under
Posts
3439
Posts Per Day
0.75
Really liked this. Had that nautical feel about it. Written by someone who knew what they were trying for, which doesn't happen all the time lol.

Couple of gripes - there is no actual shark attack but the dream menace was good

And the names Sharkie and Stevie are too similar looking which can detract from the read a bit. Obviously you have to keep Sharkie to go with the flow of the story so...sob...I guess Stevie is out.

Give this an 8



Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 34
Gum
Posted: April 6th, 2014, 11:59pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Some travelling Circus...
Posts
674
Posts Per Day
0.69
Great story about letting go of demons, a life spent creating memories, and the perseverance to push on when faced with the inevitable. I guess the moral that Sharkie had to ultimately grasp was; stasis equals death.

The metaphors, and the way you wove this story into Sharkie's inner turmoil, is just too complicated to be done by chance, or on an unconscious level that is.

Death is a very abstract concept in the distant future, and most would assume the older a person gets the more baggage they carry with them, toting a leviathan sack of memories in and out of consciousness. However, as with Sharkie, it would seem that there is always one demon that is just too demanding to put away, just yet, and it always shows up when we're at our most vulnerable.

This story handled this on an abstract and eloquent dimension, so much to the fact that all I can say is wow!


My scripts and templates: Obfuscation
Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 34
rendevous
Posted: April 7th, 2014, 4:33am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Away

Location
Over there.
Posts
2356
Posts Per Day
0.53
'SHARK DREAMING, a well used, shark fishing boat'

One too many commas in that. Normally I would not give a fig or a fuck but does take the wind out of the start.

Cos then you go 'A basic, wooden shack.'

Commas are important but they are best when used moderately. Like swear words. Bollocks.

Enough pedantry and preaching.

This is alright. Dialogue isn't bad. It rolls along. I do have this sinking feeling I've seen it all before, though.

I can't say I was quite as impressed as some previous commenters but yeah, wasn't bad at all.

R



Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here

Revision History (1 edits)
rendevous  -  April 7th, 2014, 4:34am
taipoos
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 8 - 34
nawazm11
Posted: April 7th, 2014, 5:15am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Posts
946
Posts Per Day
0.27
Your first page, you repeat unnecessary words sentence after sentence which makes the writing come across as repetitive. Avoid it for an easier read.

Page 7, too much exposition/talking and not enough story building. We want to see the character progress through the narrative instead of sitting on his arse all day.

Strange ending, I suppose I was actually expecting him to go out to sea once more and face the shark that supposedly killed his friend. Would've made for an interesting story, a lot more adrenaline inducing than the script is now. And it's not bad per se in its current state. Don't get me wrong, it has depth, even though the dialogue and writing stumbles quite a few times, that's fine too, it's just plain boring watching a guy trying to overcome his fear.

I'm not sure what to say really. It's different, and I suppose you handle it well in one way. A strange addition to this OWC, I wouldn't say I liked it but I do appreciate the what you were going for. Might have to dwell on this one but I think it might grow on me as I read more entries. Good effort.

Revision History (1 edits)
nawazm11  -  April 15th, 2014, 8:09am
Logged
Private Message Reply: 9 - 34
Dreamscale
Posted: April 7th, 2014, 5:27pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
11456
Posts Per Day
2.32
Not a great beginning, the way you chose to word and write your first few passages.  Extra commas, repetitive words taken directly from your Slug.

I personally don’t like how your formatted your dream scene, mostly because the way you did it, you have to have “BACK TO PRESENT DAY” in your following Slug and that’s not really correct, nor does it read well.

Page 4 – pretty dull so far and the dialogue isn’t quite working for me.

Some more comma problems going on.  You should look into how they’re used as it really does hurt the read.

Page 8 – I’m really bored with this, but I’ll go on…

Why would you use an action wrylie in Jimmy’s speech about someone other than the speaker?

You have an odd writing style that doesn’t work for me, with your commas and run-on sentences.

Well, this was dull and IMO does not even attempt to meet the challenge.  The only shark attack here is in dialogue only.  Just too repetitive and slow for me.

Congrats on entering.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 34
EWall433
Posted: April 7th, 2014, 5:35pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
423
Posts Per Day
0.14

This is really, very good. There’s not a lot I can say other than I think the conversation between Randolph and Sharkie is more interesting in retrospect. The first time through it’s just kind of happening. It’s a mystery, but not a very engaging one.

Maybe if there were less politeness. Randolph’s getting tired of waiting, and Sharkie hasn’t promised squat. They’ve been in a holding pattern for way too long and both of their nerves are getting frazzled.  That could make the opening more engaging without giving anything away.

Perhaps Sharkie should be stand-offish around Jimmy; not wanting to get too close. Reluctant to interact on a personal level, but clearly interested from afar. I think this would increase a couple types of conflict and give Sharkie a longer arc.

But once again, this is really, very good as it stands. One of my favorites so far.

Congrats on completing the OWC

P.S. Coke the soda is capitalized, coke the drug is not.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 34
Last Fountain
Posted: April 7th, 2014, 11:32pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Ottawa
Posts
195
Posts Per Day
0.07
Strong images. Good character. Nice message.

The dream sequences worked for me. The dark shadow hanging over him, awake or dreaming. It hints at his past. His guilt. I also liked the mystery of the envelope.  The layers of his haunting memory from steve to jimmy. Pretty heartbreaking. Especially the nightmare image of jimmy swimming away. This short was surprisingly poetic.

I would consider renaming the boat. It stands out too much in comparison to the subtle methods. I wonder if you could allude to another appropriate name. Maybe refering to god of dreams or something. VisionQuest. Orpheum. Jung @ Heart. Hehehe.

I know shark dreaming is appropriate for this time in his life, but what about earlier in life with steve on board? Why did he chose it? Well, maybe I'm nitpicking. As is the name is to on the nose, as they say.

The shark is a metaphor for so much in such few pages. Great job balancing emotions and memories.  

It would have been easier to take a more obvious and melodramatic approach but I appreciated the subtlely and the sure hand of your brushstrokes.  Good job writer.


SLIP/THROUGH - scifi noir (feature)
HOLY 3D CHRISTMAS! - fantasy (shorf)

BORED? Check out my movie news for movie nerds BLOG.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 12 - 34
PrussianMosby
Posted: April 9th, 2014, 6:23pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Posts
1404
Posts Per Day
0.50
Hello.

Good social drama. I'm open for such stories. Always welcome. You used the shark theme more as a living surrounding for the characters which is fine. The theme is there and the black shadow in the dream sequence must be the rogue shark here- You see, there's not much to say from my side...

Just good, just good.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 13 - 34
DV44
Posted: April 9th, 2014, 7:19pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
California
Posts
510
Posts Per Day
0.16
I enjoyed this. A light hearted story with a happy ending. I thought you handled the dream sequences very well. Little action but satisfying. It's possible Sharkie saw a little of himself in Jimmy which prompted him to adopt him at the end? Maybe I'm wrong on that. Great job.

Congrats on completing the OWC.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 34
 Pages: 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    April 2014 One Week Challange  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006