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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April 2014 One Week Challange  ›  Shark Dreaming - OWC
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  Author    Shark Dreaming - OWC  (currently 4845 views)
Posted: April 6th, 2014, 8:30am Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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Shark Dreaming by Bill Sarre (Reef Dreamer) - Short, Shark - After the death of his partner, a fisherman is tormented by a life changing decision he must make. - pdf, format

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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  April 16th, 2014, 10:45am
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Posted: April 6th, 2014, 10:02am Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

Various, exotic.
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Best so far - having read all of two.

Writing's assured and well crafted apart from the slight on p.10 - "On floor the..."

Nice angle to come from, and pretty complicated to pull something like this off in a short.

I liked Jimmy stuggling to ride the bike and not giving up, and how this references Sharkie's internal turmoil.

Satifying twist at the end too, that took full account of the story.

I don't think there'll be many that are better than this.
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Posted: April 6th, 2014, 10:19am Report to Moderator
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Wow.  I did not get this at all.   Based on the above comment I'm actually gonna have to read it again.  

My apologies to the writer for such a useless review at this time.  On a positive note; formatting looked good.  

I'm just not too sure about the story.
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Posted: April 6th, 2014, 12:24pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients

Action speaks louder...

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I'm going to have to come back to this one... it starts well, really well written, I'm just not feeling the story, seems like nothing is happening. I'll come back and reread later.

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Posted: April 6th, 2014, 1:02pm Report to Moderator
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This took a while to get going and it was a bit confusing. I liked the idea of the story...the name of the boat, tied into Sharkie's dreaming which led him to get rid of the boat and take care of Jimmy. It was a bit of a sleepy story though. Not much tension, not even with the shark looming over head. The ending felt a little too perfect and easy though.

Congrats on a good effort for this very challenging OWC.

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Posted: April 6th, 2014, 3:57pm Report to Moderator
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My initial thoughts on this was I constantly tried finding something to latch on to. The writing, characters, plot...something. It appears to be written well, but was a chore to get through. I was anticipating the dream sequences to move the story further, some kind of revelation or excitement.

All I took from it is that Sharkie's life was at a low, and he found happiness in the end. I would like to hear the author's thoughts on the story, could push me to a further understanding. It wasn't bad at all, the plot just needed to be more engaging.

Solid effort,

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Posted: April 6th, 2014, 11:20pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients

Down Under
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Really liked this. Had that nautical feel about it. Written by someone who knew what they were trying for, which doesn't happen all the time lol.

Couple of gripes - there is no actual shark attack but the dream menace was good

And the names Sharkie and Stevie are too similar looking which can detract from the read a bit. Obviously you have to keep Sharkie to go with the flow of the story so...sob...I guess Stevie is out.

Give this an 8

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Posted: April 6th, 2014, 11:59pm Report to Moderator
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Some travelling Circus...
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Great story about letting go of demons, a life spent creating memories, and the perseverance to push on when faced with the inevitable. I guess the moral that Sharkie had to ultimately grasp was; stasis equals death.

The metaphors, and the way you wove this story into Sharkie's inner turmoil, is just too complicated to be done by chance, or on an unconscious level that is.

Death is a very abstract concept in the distant future, and most would assume the older a person gets the more baggage they carry with them, toting a leviathan sack of memories in and out of consciousness. However, as with Sharkie, it would seem that there is always one demon that is just too demanding to put away, just yet, and it always shows up when we're at our most vulnerable.

This story handled this on an abstract and eloquent dimension, so much to the fact that all I can say is wow!

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Posted: April 7th, 2014, 4:33am Report to Moderator
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Over there.
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'SHARK DREAMING, a well used, shark fishing boat'

One too many commas in that. Normally I would not give a fig or a fuck but does take the wind out of the start.

Cos then you go 'A basic, wooden shack.'

Commas are important but they are best when used moderately. Like swear words. Bollocks.

Enough pedantry and preaching.

This is alright. Dialogue isn't bad. It rolls along. I do have this sinking feeling I've seen it all before, though.

I can't say I was quite as impressed as some previous commenters but yeah, wasn't bad at all.


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rendevous  -  April 7th, 2014, 4:34am
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Posted: April 7th, 2014, 5:15am Report to Moderator
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Your first page, you repeat unnecessary words sentence after sentence which makes the writing come across as repetitive. Avoid it for an easier read.

Page 7, too much exposition/talking and not enough story building. We want to see the character progress through the narrative instead of sitting on his arse all day.

Strange ending, I suppose I was actually expecting him to go out to sea once more and face the shark that supposedly killed his friend. Would've made for an interesting story, a lot more adrenaline inducing than the script is now. And it's not bad per se in its current state. Don't get me wrong, it has depth, even though the dialogue and writing stumbles quite a few times, that's fine too, it's just plain boring watching a guy trying to overcome his fear.

I'm not sure what to say really. It's different, and I suppose you handle it well in one way. A strange addition to this OWC, I wouldn't say I liked it but I do appreciate the what you were going for. Might have to dwell on this one but I think it might grow on me as I read more entries. Good effort.

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nawazm11  -  April 15th, 2014, 8:09am
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Posted: April 7th, 2014, 5:27pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients

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Cave Creek, AZ
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Not a great beginning, the way you chose to word and write your first few passages.  Extra commas, repetitive words taken directly from your Slug.

I personally don’t like how your formatted your dream scene, mostly because the way you did it, you have to have “BACK TO PRESENT DAY” in your following Slug and that’s not really correct, nor does it read well.

Page 4 – pretty dull so far and the dialogue isn’t quite working for me.

Some more comma problems going on.  You should look into how they’re used as it really does hurt the read.

Page 8 – I’m really bored with this, but I’ll go on…

Why would you use an action wrylie in Jimmy’s speech about someone other than the speaker?

You have an odd writing style that doesn’t work for me, with your commas and run-on sentences.

Well, this was dull and IMO does not even attempt to meet the challenge.  The only shark attack here is in dialogue only.  Just too repetitive and slow for me.

Congrats on entering.

To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Posted: April 7th, 2014, 5:35pm Report to Moderator

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This is really, very good. There’s not a lot I can say other than I think the conversation between Randolph and Sharkie is more interesting in retrospect. The first time through it’s just kind of happening. It’s a mystery, but not a very engaging one.

Maybe if there were less politeness. Randolph’s getting tired of waiting, and Sharkie hasn’t promised squat. They’ve been in a holding pattern for way too long and both of their nerves are getting frazzled.  That could make the opening more engaging without giving anything away.

Perhaps Sharkie should be stand-offish around Jimmy; not wanting to get too close. Reluctant to interact on a personal level, but clearly interested from afar. I think this would increase a couple types of conflict and give Sharkie a longer arc.

But once again, this is really, very good as it stands. One of my favorites so far.

Congrats on completing the OWC

P.S. Coke the soda is capitalized, coke the drug is not.
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Last Fountain
Posted: April 7th, 2014, 11:32pm Report to Moderator

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Strong images. Good character. Nice message.

The dream sequences worked for me. The dark shadow hanging over him, awake or dreaming. It hints at his past. His guilt. I also liked the mystery of the envelope.  The layers of his haunting memory from steve to jimmy. Pretty heartbreaking. Especially the nightmare image of jimmy swimming away. This short was surprisingly poetic.

I would consider renaming the boat. It stands out too much in comparison to the subtle methods. I wonder if you could allude to another appropriate name. Maybe refering to god of dreams or something. VisionQuest. Orpheum. Jung @ Heart. Hehehe.

I know shark dreaming is appropriate for this time in his life, but what about earlier in life with steve on board? Why did he chose it? Well, maybe I'm nitpicking. As is the name is to on the nose, as they say.

The shark is a metaphor for so much in such few pages. Great job balancing emotions and memories.  

It would have been easier to take a more obvious and melodramatic approach but I appreciated the subtlely and the sure hand of your brushstrokes.  Good job writer.

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Posted: April 9th, 2014, 6:23pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

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Good social drama. I'm open for such stories. Always welcome. You used the shark theme more as a living surrounding for the characters which is fine. The theme is there and the black shadow in the dream sequence must be the rogue shark here- You see, there's not much to say from my side...

Just good, just good.

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Posted: April 9th, 2014, 7:19pm Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed this. A light hearted story with a happy ending. I thought you handled the dream sequences very well. Little action but satisfying. It's possible Sharkie saw a little of himself in Jimmy which prompted him to adopt him at the end? Maybe I'm wrong on that. Great job.

Congrats on completing the OWC.
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