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Yeah - I couln't figure the "Mr Caine?" reference on page 4 until I IMDB'd it, and Michael Caine plays Hoagie Newcombe in Jaws: The Revenge.
I like the title, and also thought the logline was good too.
Interesting use of props here, which I don't often see on SS. Brought right in at the beginning, frustrates throughout, and then finally disappoints at the end.
The antagonist is brought in early, and there's some mis-direction deployed here, so good tactics. Also, the job-half-done angle with the goal is useful.
I wondered if Mark was brought in to even things up for Verne, both key characters then have their distractions?
Dr. didn't get any dialogue aside from the screen? I would have thought he'd interact with Sunny maybe before trying to kill her? But seeing as it's zero, I guess this is intentional.
So it feels kind of light, but with lots of layer going on. Thought the phone was good, but then having a go at the OS maybe was more than needed? But I did love Verne's "What is the point in that?" line.
So, cleverly thought out, but maybe too much going on in places now and again. Good entry none-the-less, and probably the best written one so far.
What's up with that Dustin Bieber touch everywhere. Yeah the boy will change to Buddhism, have some further drug experiences, spend the half of his life in rehab and will crash some million dollar Ferraris. I mean, it's all been said about him in the news. Not worth to mention him in an ambitious screenplay. The whole dialogue distracted from what really happens. It's too artificial. That whole Microsoft, Bill Gates, which men are interested in Sunny stuff, Bieber, mix themes etc. are like a style check which isn't interesting and make the serious speech of Dr. Anderson redundant. No balance.
SUNNY (to phone) Thanks for nothing.
I can't connect with her and so I can't connect with the script. Sorry
Clever dialogue. Well written. Engaging from start to finish. Just a fun story to read all around. Some tense moments towards the end with Sunny running for her life. Absouletly chilling to think of a shark man chasing after you. Great job overall and definitely a fav of mine.
5. Current Events - An ambitious journalist discovers that the story she’s been chasing is liable to chase her back. Brief - Investigative reporter finds human/shark experiment gone too far, is attacked.
Characters to Animate/Voice - 5 Verne, Sunny, Mark, Dr Anderson normal + sharked Scenes to Build - >5 Bathroom stall, newspaper office, lobby, hallway, laboratory light+dark/pool room, more hallways, door knob struggle, broom closet Accessory Visual - >21 Computer visuals 6x, lock w lights, phone, fish in tanks, door to pool room, fin in pool water, reflective water effect, purse, c/u on hand & USB, “video” Anderson’s address, wheelchair, minnow+pail, c/u shark teeth, Sunny running, wheelchair rolling Accessory Audio - >12 Heels on tiles hallway echo, security door open+close, computer keyboard + hard drive clicks, splash, body slap on poolside walk, gulp, running high heels, screeching fall to floor, wheelchair rolling
Genre & Marketability - SciFi, Thriller Script format - Fair Comments - I’d ditch the lobby, hallway, and pool room scenes, this is filmmaking not novelling. Make the lab and pool room a shared, open space. Alright, by page eight I’m out; getting tired of reworking and consolidating the scenes to something manageable. No matter if a scene is for two full screen hours or a half-second it costs money to get cast, crew, and equipment to and from each location + set up & breakdown. So, each scene and setting needs to be worthwhile. All these bit scenes are killing the budget. That said, I’ve taken off my producer’s hat, have put on my reader’s hat, and finished your submission: Fun little story about how the news very well works. Final word - Pass. I can’t readily think of a way to consolidate all these scenes into something more manageable for the time constraints I have as a producer.
10/15 Lo/Hi Estimated Build Hours per Screen Minute x 10.3 Screenplay Pages = 103/155 Total Build Hours Time Cost
This was an enjoyable read but the ending seemed hastily written, I expected more from Sunny, somehow. I liked much of the dialogue and appreciate that real excitement was created.
I'm a little behind on my reading, but of the seven I've read, this is by far my favorite.
Clean formatting. Mostly smooth transitions. There's some really great writing here. I especially enjoyed the action line, "She commits to a direction and sprints the length of the hall." An amateur would have easily said, "She chooses a direction." You made a simple action line fresh and exciting without losing the visual.
The negative references to Windows phones was cute at first, but by page 8, it did start to grate my nerves. We get it. Windows phones suck. No need to hammer it into our heads.
I think some of the dialogue could be trimmed in spots. The scene on page 3 ends better without Sunny's last line of dialogue. It should end at "No pun intended" because it closes the scene more successfully.
Otherwise, this is fine work. Fantastic job, and congrats on completing the challenge.
Very well written. Dialogue was good. When you started talking about evolution, it reminded me of the Mermaid documentary. They had similar suggestions of how they shed their gills then returned back to the sea. At least I think that’s what they said. Anyhow…
The story read fast. I liked the hybrid idea. Wish there was an actual shark attack. But giving the context of your story, it didn’t require one. But I think this challenge did…lol
All in all, very good work. When all else fails….go with the Beiber story.
I like the double meaning of title. Cute. Confusing descriptions. Regarding the slugs, consider using INTERCUT between 2 locations. The bathroom and office back and forth didn't land the way intended. For me, the intercut would solve that right away. I like that you open on high heels in a bathroom. That's an OWC first.
Some good dialogue. A lot goes too far, some too obvious, I liked the line... bullshit, that pun was intended... Nice cut away on laugh too. Rides the energy into the next scene. Good transition. Sunny is pretty resourceful and has good sense of humour. Good job there.
Kind of light on strong images. I liked the refracted light dancing across the walls of pool area. It helped set a creepy atmosphere and mood. Nice hint at shark. Builds tension nicely. Reminds us of danger ahead. But the reveal, really jumped the shark. Pun unintended. Bullshit, it's intentional. Hehhee. But man that hybrid splice is too much for me. You had me lured in with an interesting character. I liked the reporter angle. But the monster is too ridiculous for me. Kinda ruined the potential here.
Nice connections when the doctor talks of constant motion, just like sharks require to breathe and also staying up to date with current technology. And hinting that shark is perfectly evolved vs us flawed humans in early evolutionary scale by comparison. Interesting comment on evolution and man's hand in destroying the earth.
Nice dialogue moment... the history of the universe is the history of evolution... or genotype and phenotype complimentary relation. I thought this was all leading us to shark taking to the land. Which would have made me grown just about as much as gene spliced manshark.
Good off screen tension built with sound effects. Dang the closet is no good a hiding spot. Not even for jamie lee curtis. This is a reporter too. Where's the intelligence? Good joke about snapchat being of no good use.
Too many jokes with same punchline though. Like all the bro stuff in another short. Or the bigger boat stuff. Too obvious, some good laughs otherwise though. So I'd consider more variety in jokes. Seems like you're funny enough to give us that.
Another with no shark attack.
If it wasn't in parameters, I guess it wouldn't factor in. But it does. Sorry to bog you down with that. However it's hard to weigh this against others that follow the rules.
I also liked the social commentary. I think you could focus more time with this subject. I think it was your intent. Society devolves into pop idol worship and discussion of their private lives vs real news and current events that would be examined by true investigative journalists... and species near extinction like the shark. Also nice comments on ineffective technology and ouroobsession with the latest minor update or useless app. We, as humans, are losing sight of what matters and what affects us truly.
If man sharks exist that should be some front page shit, er, homepage shit. Not my native bieber and his exploits.
I also wish Lois Lane had a more fitting exit. As is, she kinda just disappears. No shark attack, no manshark attack either. Heheh. A good character deserves a good death, in my books. Great job building her up though. She's like james bond at times, then all scooby doo and stulid. Better consistency would make her one of my favourite OWC characters this time around,
Good lead character... a woman?! Good commentary. Some fun dialogue. Light on shark. Uneven ending.
Unlike 'Fountain, I was thinking Veronica Mars meets Jaws...
This may not have been my favorite script but may have been my favorite story. The reporter as the main character then the Twilight Zone / X-Files type of crazy twist / reveal worked for me even though right when I read it I thought you'd sent the thing off the rails with a change in tone. By the end of the script, I came back to liking it again just because the dialogue was fun and these were characters (in the newsroom anyway) that I could identify with.
First off, I’d like to thank everyone who took the time to read this. I appreciate every comment; good, bad or indifferent. Every review is a little picture of how someone experienced my script and I don’t believe I benefit anything by ‘pushing back’ in a way that might cause people to censor themselves. To the extent that reviews may occasionally contain ‘noise’, I’ll gladly filter through it myself.
I haven’t had a whole lot of time to really think through the structure of my response. So it may go batty.
I’ll start off by acknowledging that I was definitely testing the breaking limits of the requirements here. 4.5 characters, a fair share of humor, and a Manshark attack had me pushing the limits on all sides. I don’t fault anyone for thinking I went too far, or for not giving me as much slack as I gave myself.
My biggest problem entering this OWC was I couldn’t think of any ‘shark attack’ related idea that didn’t make me giggle at least a little bit. Even my first abandoned idea was fairly ludicrous and I find it hard to write something I know is ridiculous without poking fun along the way. The tone I ended up going for is akin to one of The X-Files funnier episodes. Something by Darin Morgan or Vince Gilligan(when he was being funny) like “Humbug” or “X-Cops”.
Farragut and Verne are indeed references to 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. I’m also happy someone sussed out the Micheal Caine reference. He still has my favorite Jaws related quote: “I have never seen (Jaws 4), but by all accounts it is terrible. However, I have seen the house that it built, and it is terrific.”
The whole Mark/Justin Bieber thing was actually a reference to irish eyes and his “Die Bieber Die” from the last OWC. That’s what the ‘crackwhore paternity scandal’ was supposed to be referencing. I don’t think anyone got it
Some thought the opening conversation played too long. I think it would play shorter on film and probably seems more visually static on paper then on screen. Perhaps I could have Verne pacing back and forth to give it some artificial movement. If cuts to the dialogue have to be made, I’m guessing the place to start is…
Windows Phone! For the record I have nothing personal against the Windows Phone, but its bad press combined with my need for a malfunctioning phone made it an easy target. I think the sequencing works, but each mention of the phone could be pulled back on. I yell at technology all the time, but having Sunny do it repeatedly might not be needed. (Also I shouldn’t look to put myself on Bill Gates hit list)
“ONSCREEN – Windows open and close…” Yeah, that’s goofy when you think about it. This, as well as the hallway chase, were least developed in my mind when I started writing. I can cop to taking the easy way out when it came to those sections. Some easy choices are easier to correct then others, though. How else can I have Sunny be chased down and cornered by a guy…ahem...shark in a wheelchair?
Gills < blowholes. I stand corrected and anticipate an easy work around. I'm not being flippant either. I hate getting little things like this wrong.
P.O.S. in dialogue? Well, I hear people say LOL and WTF all the time, so I don’t think it’s stretching too much. Probably a bit of a character quirk there. Ultimately, I was just trying to vary Sunny’s swearing. If I pull back on the Window’s phone bits, I probably won’t need to go there.
Yes, having the doctor not speak was intentional. I thought it was scarier and helped keep the pace up. Plus, if Dr. Anderson is committed to eliminating Sunny, having him discuss it with her might seem a little ‘Bond villian-esque’
Pun-intended? There were varied opinions on how I should end that first exchange. I suppose I’ll stick to my guns if only because no solid consensus seemed to form. When coming up with the shark metaphor, my thoughts were that it’s kind of convenient. The only way it’s not convenient is if Verne himself intends it as a context appropriate metaphor. Basically, I thought my metaphor was transparent, so I had the characters address the transparency as a way of shoring it up.
Some thought the writing was a little sparse, but that’s the balance I struck here. I intended this to be a short, kinda goofy satirical bit and wanted to stay under 10 pages. The dialogue put me over my page mark, so I kept my descriptions tight to bring it closer to where I wanted it. Geography (ie character’s spatial relationship to all the elements of the scene) is my top priority. Visuals are nice, but they come in second (for me) to assuaging potential confusion.
“What the hell happened?” I originally thought of an ending that involved Sunny being turned into a shark as well, but that was too close to the way I ended 'Beast Canyon', so I kept at it. I think what I came up with is more appropriate to what the story’s really about (cultural distractions and things in transition). Unfortunately it’s not as much of a joke as it should be… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XtcucHPkFkg
I think that covers most of it. It’s more than I expected to write about such goofy piece (not that I don’t stand behind it). Anyhoo…
Thanks again to everyone who shared their thoughts. It’s been a blast.
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