Hey Gary, before you go pointing people toward one of your features on Amazon, I'd get busy on reviewing some of these OWC submissions. That is protocol and good manners. I mean, we're all busy people with kids, jobs, other writing projects, drinking...but we find time to give back. You have 3 posts to your name so far and they are all here on your thread.

Quoted from GaryTao The real big fella is within rendevous

What's he doing in there? Does rendevous know about this?

i started this and saw the reveal etc

I got through a few pages and it was clear that the writer was new. leaving your email on the bottom of the sheet was a give away. my comments would be;

1] read and review others - my providing your thoughts you improve your depth a sa writer

2] SS is a place for formatting guru's - this is good and bad. good as it forces us to be better, bad because in the real world minor issues are not a problem. still, there is a lot to learn around here

3] take part - SS is a great place to learn, you just have to take part. for example if you read and reviewed each OWC script you would find that a great boost

all the best

The logline has some noticeable errors, not a good sign. But as fot the script...I don't mind UNDERLINED slugs so much, but note there will be a handful who won't let it slide. Can't say I blame them. What bugs me is the "TIME" DAY or NIGHT alone will do.
But it does create a problem like this early gem:

Quoted Text EXT. CASINO BACKSTREET- NIGHT TIME In the black of the night Kurt walks in urgency towards his car, he's apprehensive.

Let's try that again

Quoted Text EXT. CASINO BACKSTREET- NIGHT TIME In the black of the night Kurt walks in urgency towards his car, he's apprehensive EXT. CASINO BACKSTREET- NIGHT Kurt walks in urgency towards his car. A SUITED MAN mid 40's, athletic, approaches.

What? How did that happen? Well, let's run it down. You don't need to tell me "dark of night" because it says NIGHT in the slug. You don't need to tell me Kurt is "apprehensive" for he already has a sense of urgency as he goes to his car. As for the SUIT, 'athletic' says it all. 'Stong' isn't needed. Note his "professional killer" description is written so loosely that we can't be sure that the SUIT has a friend with him. He isn't the killer, that's his friend. Since KILLER doesn't do anything, the scene doesn't change if we drop him....then it's clear he and Suit are one the same.

Greetings by the footers. Turn 'em off.,
I'm tempted to bail,.

:"How are you son?" asks Uncle Joel. Not a big fan of the introduction dialog, but that's an odd thing to say.

Quoted Text JOEL (CONT'D) I am going to kill that tiger shark Karen, there's a $15,000 reward.

Oh oh. You just got on my bad side. Pet writing peeve highlighted. Write 15 thoudand or fifteen thousand please and drop the dollar sign. Nobody can speak it.

"Panther or a wolf, it's a shark" - So Uncle Joel has returned from the safari? Note he killed a panther and a wolf by himself. Yeah,  he's out of his wheelhouse.

I see the $ and decimals in dialog twice more.
I see characters enter into places in narrative where it gives location in the slug.
I see characters do uninteresting things just to get the establishing shot.
I see myself throwing in the towel.

Out by p4








How do I know Kurt's a Navy SEAL? (2)

Quoted from GaryTao I did the OWC just to challenge myself - I wasnt sure how many people would enter.  I don't read a lot - which is a bad thing really - I've only scanned through some of the other scripts for this competition.  I will have a good read when I get a moment - too slapdash as you can see from my writing... I have brilliant stories to tell though, namely in espionage - government coverups - conspiracies etc.   If anyone's interested have a read of 'The Redemption of Omega 11001' on Amazon Studios.

I can't fault you for giving it a go. I applaud you for such zest. But Written in a few days, yes, that makes sense. It shows. I don't entirely buy it, but I'll take your word for it. Shorthand, spelling, grammar problems, continutity errors...you need to workon some of that.

However, you will understand if people don't head on over to Amazon Studios just to hunt for and read your work. Not just based on this, but also that oddball stuff Amazon Studios requires of its participants. That's all I will say on that.

Quoted from GaryTao The real big fella is within rendevous

I do hope this is metaphorical. However unlikely that may be.

Quoted from Dustin What's he doing in there? Does rendevous know about this?

No he didn't and I am wondering that myself.

The words 'big fella' and 'within' in the same sentence as my name do send somewhat of a shudder down the spine. Steady.

R

One day I decided I was going to write screenplays as they seemed easier than novels and I’d yet to finish a novel I’d started. I thought it would be quicker, simpler.

I had no training, not paid for any writing courses or read any screenplay books – just a lifetime of watching TV and movies, I thought that was enough.

I spent months writing a feature – I genuinely thought it was the best thing since sliced bread and Hollywood would be banging on my door to produce it, so much so when it was finished I paid a professional script review service to read it, you know, just to proof read it for me, polish it up before I started the studios in a bidding war for my masterpiece.

They ripped it apart and it hurt me terribly. I made every mistake in the book and then some. I just didn’t know what was in the book as I’d never read it. I didn’t write again for months, went into a sulk. I am cursed with a massive ego and low self-esteem; that paradox sometimes cripples me.

Eventually I picked myself up off the floor and started from scratch, finally realising this isn’t going to be a quick journey. I’ve improved since then (I’d like to think) but I’ve still a lot to learn. The only way I’m going to learn is to write A LOT, participate in stuff like these OWC’s and learn from the honest, priceless feedback these forums provide.

This script has a lot of problems, most of which have been mentioned already so I won’t go into them again. Your scripts on Amazon Studios probably has the same. You need to get some honest feedback, start reading lots of scripts and screenplay writing books and learn about things like ‘on the nose dialogue’ exposition, how to trim action and a whole host of other things.

Best of luck and well done on entering the OWC, a thousand mile journey can only begin with the first step.

Mark

I usually don't look at notes before reading. I did here just to make sure I had not already read. And I see the writer has outed himself and seems to have done no reviews himself. So I can check this off the list.

Quoted from KevinLenihan I usually don't look at notes before reading. I did here just to make sure I had not already read. And I see the writer has outed himself and seems to have done no reviews himself. So I can check this off the list.

Well you got the order right this time Kev - I never look at the posting until after I've read it so I don't get influenced. I already wrote my review, ready to post, and then I see the guy's outed.

Well I'm not posting it now, but only because I think it would of got deleted or me in trouble, as it was one of my dumb ones. Must be fate.

Safe to say the script was rubbish.

Well, my feeling is that this one was written by a newbie.  

The pros: It's got a decent twist at the end, and a plot that could very well be engaging if the writing's smoothed out.

The cons: As it is, the writing style is awkward, and need polishing.  Far too many characters for the challenge, and the names are used MUCH too much in the dialogue.  (And a touch too much exposition there, too.)

If I'm correct about the status of the writer, all these things are surmountable in time.  It just takes practice, practice, practice!!  

Best and cheers,

--J (W)

1. A Twist in the Tail - After four shark killings disturb the locals in Miami, the authority decide to pay out a $15,000 reward to the person who kills the biggest Tiger Shark.  Joel has the upper hand in hunt but does he have more to deal with than a sixteen foot shark?
Brief - Boater meets Hunter to pursue killer shark bounty, teamwork fail.

Characters to Animate/Voice - >4
Kurt, Suited man, Joel, Karen, Josh, Shopkeeper
Scenes to Build  - >5
Casino interior, backstreet, Miami suburban house, home interior, tobacco shop
Accessory Visual - >18
Cigar smoke, roulette wheel over & side, bourbon glass, chip stacks x 6, 3x players x2, croupier, SUV 2x, gun strike, hook, abdomen, headlights, brake lights, door opens, cap, Chinese tobacco shopkeeper
Accessory Audio - >10
Roulette rattle, casino din, laughter, cheers, boos, gun strike, hooking, running motor, motor turns off, door opens/closes,

Genre & Marketability - Drama
Script format - Poor
Comments  -  The copyright notice and email feature belong on the title page only. I’d skip the whole supper setting and just mesh that conversation between Karen and Joel at his entrance to the house. Out at page 4’s tobacco shop. I don’t think you understand the challenge’s requirement of what four characters means. That doesn’t mean fifty-eight non-speaking roles.
Even if this were shot live action all those extras need to be cast, fed, instructed, and hopefully paid = $$$. Additionally, no matter if a scene is for two full screen hours or a half-second it costs money to get cast, crew, and equipment to and from each location + set up & breakdown. So, each scene and setting needs to be worthwhile. All these bit scenes are killing the budget.
All that said, I’ve taken off my producer’s hat, have put on my reader’s hat, and finished your submission: Nice double-twist ending. The lengthy set up dulls those last few good pages, but overall it’s a fair enough idea.

Final word - Pass. Too many short scenes and characters to cost effectively build.

10/15          Lo/Hi Estimated Build Hours per Screen Minute
x 11.5          Screenplay Pages
= 115/173          Total Build Hours Time Cost

In some ways, the script had potential but there were some (non-format) issues that nagged at me the whole time. Mainly, catching a killer (rogue) shark seems like trying to obtain a large and fast cash score just about the hardest way possible.

Then there's a line that said (paraphrasing): "you're not hunting panther or wolf...it's shark we're talking about." That sounds like it's coming from someone that's never encountered a wolf or panther in the wild...but I guess those animals won't eat you whole.

I had a issue with some of the dialogue although it had some good moments.

By the way - I'M not comfortable with the craft yet but this was my second OWC anyway. This provides an opportunity to experiment and see what works on a page and what doesn't. You get a bunch of reviews and a lot of perspectives in a condensed amount of time and that's valuable.

by the way, can the script be edited before its voted on?

Quoted from GaryTao by the way, can the script be edited before its voted on?

Is that a trick question Gary?
See thios thread

Gambling debts and shark bounties go hand in hand.

First, too many characters and a large budget. So rules have been broken. Heheh.  

Interesting concept. The shark bounty. Inventive and unique weapons with hemlock and pufferfish. I like the harness and crane. These guys aren't messing around.

Out of nowhere,  kurt goes nuts. A few OWC have done this too. Maybe lead into it a bit more. Or hint that joel is suspicious and foreshadow twist ending in process.  

Good action descriptions when shark attacks joel. Good emotional descriptions of karen crumbling,  sad, sliding down wall. I'd removef her 2nd line of dialogue referring to calling for help. She's too shocked now to be so practical. Let her panic. It's powerful stuff. Trust the actor. Consider showing kurt react to her sobs. However he does, it's important in revealing character through show me type details.

Some descriptions are too novelistic, as in they're too internal. How do we see he's a navy seal? Or a hitman? Solid writing normally though. Good details. The announcers dialogue is too obvious. Maybe he just talks of most important contest details. Like the competition name, winner, prize, catch description...

It's hard to imagine joel not mentioning the poisoned fish to kurt. You think at the least he'd brag, or tell him how he hunted for it all over town. Or heh be careful don't eat the poison in my cooler. Hehehe.  Ya know? It's a convenient twist. We know he bought it earlier, so it's no surprise. No shock ending. Maybe he eats, chokes, then flashback with narration of joel buying poisons. Saying whomis this kurt. I don't trust him, inhave to be prepared ... or something else cliche. At least then I'd be shocked.

Or was he planning on the bounty for himself all along. Narration woukd then comment on... all that money will be mine, once he eats the fish. Its goodnight.

I only mention these suggestions and criticism to help out with a future rewrite.  Always remember the end, but don't tip your hand too early. Make sure it all adds up. Come up with characters and a story so that it all meshes to fit that twist.

Think of all the stuff you managed to cram in here.... navy seals, hitmen, double crosses, hemlock,  pufferfish, twist revenge, gambling debts, shark bounty...  Id like to see what you could do with a feature and more pages. Then it would have time to breathe.
Novelistic approach. Overly complicated. Good descriptions. Interesting premise.

Another case of man is the worst animal in nature.