A Twist in the Tail by G.T - Short, Shark - After four shark killings disturb the locals in Miami, the authority decide to pay out a $15,000 reward to the person who kills the biggest Tiger Shark.  Joel has the upper hand in hunt but does he have more to deal with than a sixteen foot shark?   - pdf, format

I skimmed this at work which admittingly isn't the best way to read a script, however a bunch of problems jumped out at me.

What you have here is very overwritten. Early on there is an action line describing a car pulling into a driveway which is fine as an establishing shot, but you don't need to describe the break lights going on and off which you do. A lot, a lot, of the dialogue explains your story instead of showing it to us. Also most of your story is just Kurt preparing to go shark hunting. We see him buy supplies, get a boat, find a partner. All boring events that don't advance the story much at all. You could just put Kurt out on the water and we'd be fine. I mean do we need to see him wake up and eat his breakfast, tie his shoe, gas up the car, and pull into the parking lot of the harbor? That's kinda what this all seems.

This needs to be way more focused in my opinion. Especially since its a short and you only have limited pages to tell your story, every sentence counts. Even more than usual.

I like a lot of what you were trying to do here, but this story may have been too big for its britches. The writing has numerous issues. These are just a sample of things that tripped me up.

Pg. 3 “Hey Joel, how are you son? “ I’m guessing that should be Josh. And it’s not really his son so you should change that rather than risk confusing people.

Pg. 4 “Joel, this isn't a panther or a wolf, it's a killer shark” What, does this guy kill panthers in his sleep or something?

Is she caressing the hair of her dead husband’s brother, while he drinks cider?

Pg. 8 “Because Gus darted that thing inside it's stomach with an acoustic tag” And has Joel just been sitting on that information while people died?

Pg. 11 “Joel THRUSTS the fishing boat back towards the harbor” Pretty impressive, considering he’s dead.

I get the sense that this is from a newbie, possibly someone young. A lot of things were phrased in ways that led to unintentional humor, like Karen screaming, “Oh god no – no! no! no! (beat)  I’ll have to notify the police.”

I don’t think the tale you set out to tell is a bad one, but everything needs another once over; formatting, grammar, typos, character logic. If those had been dealt with properly, the bare bones story would have allowed this to be one of the stronger entries.

Congrats on entering the OWC

My advice after reading half is read a lot of screenplays. Too many mistakes took the focus away from your story.

Your formatting is almost there but there are some things that are REALLY distracting like the copyright and email address on the footer of every page, underlining your slugs is okay I guess but you need to double space.

Congrats on completing something for this OWC. I bet your next entry is much stronger.

Good story overall, and just as suspenseful as most of the other scripts happening at this OWC. The story itself is not new; low life gambler doing whatever he can to keep the bagmen off his back, but Kurt didn't end up as shark fodder so, that was refreshing. It appears as if you did some serious research as well, so kudos to you for that... unless that's just your lifestyle, LOL.

Couple of major formatting issues and a few typos that threw me for a double read, like pg. 11

"INT. FISHING BOAT - BRIDGE ROOM - LATER
Joel THRUSTS the fishing boat back towards the harbour, then slows to a stop. Ahead police cars are awaiting."

You have Joel coming back from the grave as opposed to Kurt riding this home. Best to proof your scripts tooth and nail to avoid errors like this.

I would definitely read a few more screenplays to get a feel of how the formatting is currently done. I say currently in a liberal way, because I've read so many screenplays over the years that I can honestly say it's all over the place, but there are certain immutable laws that will irritate seasoned writers, having them throw your script to the sh*tpile.

Anyways, best of luck, and congrats on getting a script in for this OWC!

I think that title has been overused. I do remember a story about Jeffrey Archer erm, borrowing a story idea with this. Getting a headache now. I promise I'll never use that name again.

Lot of telling instead of showing going on.

The dialogue sounds a bit on the nose. A bit too wooden too. The spacing looks narrowed. Too many words and just not enough pages.

I don't know if you can tell yet but this isn't one of my favourites.

A Socrates style moment on page five. Excuse me, where do you keep the poisons? And what about the axes? Oh, I could also do with some bin liners. And a couple of knuckledusters, if you have them.

I watched an episode of Skippy the Bush Kangagaroo the other night. It's been a while. I quite enjoyed it. Can't think why I mentioned it...

Couple of different spellings for bait. I think the other one means angry.

Nearly fell asleep there. Now, where was I? Ah, yes...

I got to the end. I wasn't sure what happened but you explained it so that clears that up.

The story's alright. Your title implies a twist so naturally any reader would be expecting one. It's often better not to do this. Convincing and satifying twists are difficult to achieve. If the reader's expecting one then you've doubled your work.

As far as plot goes there are many other stories that have less of one than this.

There's a good few errors, many of which have been pointed out by others. If you fix all those, try and make the dialogue more natural and less expositional, and make the story less predictable it would be a good story.

Hope some of that helps.

R

Why are all the slugs underlined?

After reading the first two pages, I have no clue why you used that logline. A logline should be what your story is about. I felt like I was reading a whole different story about some guy in debt for gambling.

KAREN
Thanks for coming Joel, how are you?
JOEL
Good Karen, it's nice to see you.
*Don’t use names in dialogue so much. It’s not normal. Think about your last conversation with someone. Did you say his name at the beginning and end of each sentence?

By page four you have way exceeded the character count, and at this point in the script, I do not really care about any of them. All of them sound the same in their dialogue.

JOEL, 40's, tall with dark hair, wears a hunters cap. He stands at the doorway as the door opens.
**This type description tells me nothing about Joel. If you aren’t going to give me an idea of what Joel is really like, then you can show it in his actions or dialogue, but you don’t. None of the characters stand apart.

“discreet plaster on his head”  What does that mean?

Now back to Kurt and the shopkeeper. Talking back and forth. I’m sorry but this is as far as I go with this one. Keep working ...good on you for getting an entry in for the one week challenge.

Gamblers are risky peeps to have as protags, especially when you use loan sharks as a the story's backbone. And 99% of the time, it just doesn't work since nobody can connect with the gambler because we just see him as stupid for losing so much. Not liking this so far, too cliche and unimaginative.

Is this copyrighted? I think you might need to put it there another 20 times in case I forget...

And you have more than four characters? If we seriously don't see any real sharks, you've literally broken the two simple rules that were there. You can't be a rogue loanshark, so you've already condemned yourself to a bashing. Moving on...

"KAREN
Do you want anything else Joel?
JOEL
No Karen, that was lovely thank you." This screams amateur for a variety of reasons. I hope you can figure them out yourself.

Gus died? Thanks for telling me. Strange though, I don't seem to care. Too on the nose, gotta avoid stuff like this. If it's important, we'll find it out naturally.

Thanks Joel for explaining how he died. I really needed that.

That next line of action is so very awkward.

Good old Karen, stating the important stuff. Officials are paying for a bounty on a shark? Where's Green Peace? That's just cruel, what's wrong with these people? Why encourage random people to kill sharks? I really hope we see protesters since I don't buy any of this.

Josh is useless and just there for an emotional backbone, but because it's so obvious, I roll my eyes rather than actually care for the family. Manipulative more than anything.

Nobody finds it strange that there are bounties over animals? Christ, even a lowly Shop keeper is into this. Is this the wild west? Or is that an American thing?

You can't have two characters with the same name, change it.

You make it out as if Miami is a small town where everybody knows each other...

Wouldn't the shark just shit out the GPS?

He's a navy seal? And that gives him license to kill without mercy or emotion? If he's so calm and precise, how is he an addict then?

"Karen choking up, bursts out uncontrollably, she slides down the kitchen wall and sits onto the floor holding the phone." Is Karen's middle name Melo, last name Drama?

"Smiling he tucks in, eating the fish -- it tastes good." Does it also smell good?

I have no clue what happened at the end there. Safe to say I wasn't a fan of this. Needs work unfortunately. Good luck!

Code Kurt falls back onto his car bleeding from the head, then feels a DEEP hook penetrate into his stomach. He slides to the ground coughing.

Is he being raped?

This one needs quite a bit of work. As rendevous pointed out though, if you clean up the dialogue, tighten those action lines and figure out the story, you could be onto something here. Nice try.

I don't want to be mean.  It's blatantly obvious that this is a new writer, most likely very young, who erally doesn't know how to do this yet.

In all honesty, I always wonder why someone would attempt an OWC, when they're not comfortable with the craft yet, but it takes some balls, so kudos there.

As other have pointed out, there are mistakes of all kinds, everywhere, but what really stands out is the pisser quality dialogue and inane action.

I hope you do your share of reading and commenting, because you have much to learn, my friend.

Congrats on entering.

I liked the story a lot.

I would suggest removing the scene where Joel buys the puffer fish. Get to the meat of the story sooner and just include a line somewhere in the next scene that he purchased them.

The biggest problem here is the formatting and writing itself. There are a lot of "-ing" words, and some of the slugs are just incorrect. INT. DOCK? Unless the dock is indoors, it should still be EXT.

With a solid, diligent rewrite, this could be very good.

Congrats on successfully completing the challenge!

Chris

Thanks for all of the posts - this is good feedback.  Yes I am a new writer and a storyteller - I have been learning script writing for the last 6 months, so bang on there - I am also from the UK so yank dialogue is not that convincing.

I think I will rewrite this just to get it right and start practising a little.  I do like script writing - but I need peace from the noisy family to make proof reading effective.

I am also quite surprised I managed to get so much bloat into 12 pages - when I should have focused on the actual story - maybe more dialogue between Joel and Kurt or action would be better - another action scene with the shark would be good too.  

I spent 2 days writing this, I read the challenge on this forum on the 1st or 2nd of April, planned the story in 30 minutes and written in 4 hours - edittied A LITTLE the next day and then after spending 2 hours finding out how to actually submit it on the forum (thanks to US EST time being 4-5 hours behind the UK), I mailed it in.  

I have submitted some movies to Amazon Studios over the last 6 months - I always get decent feedback for the premise/plot and emotion, but I think I need to work on dialogue and characters...

I did the OWC just to challenge myself - I wasnt sure how many people would enter.  I don't read a lot - which is a bad thing really - I've only scanned through some of the other scripts for this competition.  I will have a good read when I get a moment - too slapdash as you can see from my writing...

I have brilliant stories to tell though, namely in espionage - government coverups - conspiracies etc.  

If anyone's interested have a read of 'The Redemption of Omega 11001' on Amazon Studios.

My writing ability is there one day and gone another - I think that script is good - hopefully not too many errors in it.  I think I need another person to proof read for me...

I have edited this part to write about the hunting of sharks - this is only fiction so take it easy, I borrowed this (as in 60-70% of all movies ever made) from the famous Jaws - in terms of hunting I am actually a young zoologist, so I love nature and animals.

"I write because I know things that test the imagination - with the brain being 99% flesh and goo housing a dance of electrical firing patterns, this is all fiction"....

Aren't we supposed to stay in the closet lurking until the big fella says otherwise?

R

The real big fella is within rendevous

Hey Gary, before you go pointing people toward one of your features on Amazon, I'd get busy on reviewing some of these OWC submissions. That is protocol and good manners. I mean, we're all busy people with kids, jobs, other writing projects, drinking...but we find time to give back. You have 3 posts to your name so far and they are all here on your thread.

Quoted from GaryTao The real big fella is within rendevous

What's he doing in there? Does rendevous know about this?

i started this and saw the reveal etc

I got through a few pages and it was clear that the writer was new. leaving your email on the bottom of the sheet was a give away. my comments would be;

1] read and review others - my providing your thoughts you improve your depth a sa writer

2] SS is a place for formatting guru's - this is good and bad. good as it forces us to be better, bad because in the real world minor issues are not a problem. still, there is a lot to learn around here

3] take part - SS is a great place to learn, you just have to take part. for example if you read and reviewed each OWC script you would find that a great boost

all the best

The logline has some noticeable errors, not a good sign. But as fot the script...I don't mind UNDERLINED slugs so much, but note there will be a handful who won't let it slide. Can't say I blame them. What bugs me is the "TIME" DAY or NIGHT alone will do.
But it does create a problem like this early gem:

Quoted Text EXT. CASINO BACKSTREET- NIGHT TIME In the black of the night Kurt walks in urgency towards his car, he's apprehensive.

Let's try that again

Quoted Text EXT. CASINO BACKSTREET- NIGHT TIME In the black of the night Kurt walks in urgency towards his car, he's apprehensive EXT. CASINO BACKSTREET- NIGHT Kurt walks in urgency towards his car. A SUITED MAN mid 40's, athletic, approaches.

What? How did that happen? Well, let's run it down. You don't need to tell me "dark of night" because it says NIGHT in the slug. You don't need to tell me Kurt is "apprehensive" for he already has a sense of urgency as he goes to his car. As for the SUIT, 'athletic' says it all. 'Stong' isn't needed. Note his "professional killer" description is written so loosely that we can't be sure that the SUIT has a friend with him. He isn't the killer, that's his friend. Since KILLER doesn't do anything, the scene doesn't change if we drop him....then it's clear he and Suit are one the same.

Greetings by the footers. Turn 'em off.,
I'm tempted to bail,.

:"How are you son?" asks Uncle Joel. Not a big fan of the introduction dialog, but that's an odd thing to say.

Quoted Text JOEL (CONT'D) I am going to kill that tiger shark Karen, there's a $15,000 reward.

Oh oh. You just got on my bad side. Pet writing peeve highlighted. Write 15 thoudand or fifteen thousand please and drop the dollar sign. Nobody can speak it.

"Panther or a wolf, it's a shark" - So Uncle Joel has returned from the safari? Note he killed a panther and a wolf by himself. Yeah,  he's out of his wheelhouse.

I see the $ and decimals in dialog twice more.
I see characters enter into places in narrative where it gives location in the slug.
I see characters do uninteresting things just to get the establishing shot.
I see myself throwing in the towel.

Out by p4








How do I know Kurt's a Navy SEAL? (2)

Quoted from GaryTao I did the OWC just to challenge myself - I wasnt sure how many people would enter.  I don't read a lot - which is a bad thing really - I've only scanned through some of the other scripts for this competition.  I will have a good read when I get a moment - too slapdash as you can see from my writing... I have brilliant stories to tell though, namely in espionage - government coverups - conspiracies etc.   If anyone's interested have a read of 'The Redemption of Omega 11001' on Amazon Studios.

I can't fault you for giving it a go. I applaud you for such zest. But Written in a few days, yes, that makes sense. It shows. I don't entirely buy it, but I'll take your word for it. Shorthand, spelling, grammar problems, continutity errors...you need to workon some of that.

However, you will understand if people don't head on over to Amazon Studios just to hunt for and read your work. Not just based on this, but also that oddball stuff Amazon Studios requires of its participants. That's all I will say on that.

Quoted from GaryTao The real big fella is within rendevous

I do hope this is metaphorical. However unlikely that may be.

Quoted from Dustin What's he doing in there? Does rendevous know about this?

No he didn't and I am wondering that myself.

The words 'big fella' and 'within' in the same sentence as my name do send somewhat of a shudder down the spine. Steady.

R

One day I decided I was going to write screenplays as they seemed easier than novels and I’d yet to finish a novel I’d started. I thought it would be quicker, simpler.

I had no training, not paid for any writing courses or read any screenplay books – just a lifetime of watching TV and movies, I thought that was enough.

I spent months writing a feature – I genuinely thought it was the best thing since sliced bread and Hollywood would be banging on my door to produce it, so much so when it was finished I paid a professional script review service to read it, you know, just to proof read it for me, polish it up before I started the studios in a bidding war for my masterpiece.

They ripped it apart and it hurt me terribly. I made every mistake in the book and then some. I just didn’t know what was in the book as I’d never read it. I didn’t write again for months, went into a sulk. I am cursed with a massive ego and low self-esteem; that paradox sometimes cripples me.

Eventually I picked myself up off the floor and started from scratch, finally realising this isn’t going to be a quick journey. I’ve improved since then (I’d like to think) but I’ve still a lot to learn. The only way I’m going to learn is to write A LOT, participate in stuff like these OWC’s and learn from the honest, priceless feedback these forums provide.

This script has a lot of problems, most of which have been mentioned already so I won’t go into them again. Your scripts on Amazon Studios probably has the same. You need to get some honest feedback, start reading lots of scripts and screenplay writing books and learn about things like ‘on the nose dialogue’ exposition, how to trim action and a whole host of other things.

Best of luck and well done on entering the OWC, a thousand mile journey can only begin with the first step.

Mark

I usually don't look at notes before reading. I did here just to make sure I had not already read. And I see the writer has outed himself and seems to have done no reviews himself. So I can check this off the list.

Quoted from KevinLenihan I usually don't look at notes before reading. I did here just to make sure I had not already read. And I see the writer has outed himself and seems to have done no reviews himself. So I can check this off the list.

Well you got the order right this time Kev - I never look at the posting until after I've read it so I don't get influenced. I already wrote my review, ready to post, and then I see the guy's outed.

Well I'm not posting it now, but only because I think it would of got deleted or me in trouble, as it was one of my dumb ones. Must be fate.

Safe to say the script was rubbish.

Well, my feeling is that this one was written by a newbie.  

The pros: It's got a decent twist at the end, and a plot that could very well be engaging if the writing's smoothed out.

The cons: As it is, the writing style is awkward, and need polishing.  Far too many characters for the challenge, and the names are used MUCH too much in the dialogue.  (And a touch too much exposition there, too.)

If I'm correct about the status of the writer, all these things are surmountable in time.  It just takes practice, practice, practice!!  

Best and cheers,

--J (W)

1. A Twist in the Tail - After four shark killings disturb the locals in Miami, the authority decide to pay out a $15,000 reward to the person who kills the biggest Tiger Shark.  Joel has the upper hand in hunt but does he have more to deal with than a sixteen foot shark?
Brief - Boater meets Hunter to pursue killer shark bounty, teamwork fail.

Characters to Animate/Voice - >4
Kurt, Suited man, Joel, Karen, Josh, Shopkeeper
Scenes to Build  - >5
Casino interior, backstreet, Miami suburban house, home interior, tobacco shop
Accessory Visual - >18
Cigar smoke, roulette wheel over & side, bourbon glass, chip stacks x 6, 3x players x2, croupier, SUV 2x, gun strike, hook, abdomen, headlights, brake lights, door opens, cap, Chinese tobacco shopkeeper
Accessory Audio - >10
Roulette rattle, casino din, laughter, cheers, boos, gun strike, hooking, running motor, motor turns off, door opens/closes,

Genre & Marketability - Drama
Script format - Poor
Comments  -  The copyright notice and email feature belong on the title page only. I’d skip the whole supper setting and just mesh that conversation between Karen and Joel at his entrance to the house. Out at page 4’s tobacco shop. I don’t think you understand the challenge’s requirement of what four characters means. That doesn’t mean fifty-eight non-speaking roles.
Even if this were shot live action all those extras need to be cast, fed, instructed, and hopefully paid = $$$. Additionally, no matter if a scene is for two full screen hours or a half-second it costs money to get cast, crew, and equipment to and from each location + set up & breakdown. So, each scene and setting needs to be worthwhile. All these bit scenes are killing the budget.
All that said, I’ve taken off my producer’s hat, have put on my reader’s hat, and finished your submission: Nice double-twist ending. The lengthy set up dulls those last few good pages, but overall it’s a fair enough idea.

Final word - Pass. Too many short scenes and characters to cost effectively build.

10/15          Lo/Hi Estimated Build Hours per Screen Minute
x 11.5          Screenplay Pages
= 115/173          Total Build Hours Time Cost

In some ways, the script had potential but there were some (non-format) issues that nagged at me the whole time. Mainly, catching a killer (rogue) shark seems like trying to obtain a large and fast cash score just about the hardest way possible.

Then there's a line that said (paraphrasing): "you're not hunting panther or wolf...it's shark we're talking about." That sounds like it's coming from someone that's never encountered a wolf or panther in the wild...but I guess those animals won't eat you whole.

I had a issue with some of the dialogue although it had some good moments.

By the way - I'M not comfortable with the craft yet but this was my second OWC anyway. This provides an opportunity to experiment and see what works on a page and what doesn't. You get a bunch of reviews and a lot of perspectives in a condensed amount of time and that's valuable.

by the way, can the script be edited before its voted on?

Quoted from GaryTao by the way, can the script be edited before its voted on?

Is that a trick question Gary?
See thios thread

Gambling debts and shark bounties go hand in hand.

First, too many characters and a large budget. So rules have been broken. Heheh.  

Interesting concept. The shark bounty. Inventive and unique weapons with hemlock and pufferfish. I like the harness and crane. These guys aren't messing around.

Out of nowhere,  kurt goes nuts. A few OWC have done this too. Maybe lead into it a bit more. Or hint that joel is suspicious and foreshadow twist ending in process.  

Good action descriptions when shark attacks joel. Good emotional descriptions of karen crumbling,  sad, sliding down wall. I'd removef her 2nd line of dialogue referring to calling for help. She's too shocked now to be so practical. Let her panic. It's powerful stuff. Trust the actor. Consider showing kurt react to her sobs. However he does, it's important in revealing character through show me type details.

Some descriptions are too novelistic, as in they're too internal. How do we see he's a navy seal? Or a hitman? Solid writing normally though. Good details. The announcers dialogue is too obvious. Maybe he just talks of most important contest details. Like the competition name, winner, prize, catch description...

It's hard to imagine joel not mentioning the poisoned fish to kurt. You think at the least he'd brag, or tell him how he hunted for it all over town. Or heh be careful don't eat the poison in my cooler. Hehehe.  Ya know? It's a convenient twist. We know he bought it earlier, so it's no surprise. No shock ending. Maybe he eats, chokes, then flashback with narration of joel buying poisons. Saying whomis this kurt. I don't trust him, inhave to be prepared ... or something else cliche. At least then I'd be shocked.

Or was he planning on the bounty for himself all along. Narration woukd then comment on... all that money will be mine, once he eats the fish. Its goodnight.

I only mention these suggestions and criticism to help out with a future rewrite.  Always remember the end, but don't tip your hand too early. Make sure it all adds up. Come up with characters and a story so that it all meshes to fit that twist.

Think of all the stuff you managed to cram in here.... navy seals, hitmen, double crosses, hemlock,  pufferfish, twist revenge, gambling debts, shark bounty...  Id like to see what you could do with a feature and more pages. Then it would have time to breathe.
Novelistic approach. Overly complicated. Good descriptions. Interesting premise.

Another case of man is the worst animal in nature.