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It's difficult to like this one because there's no one you have a rooting interest for (except for maybe the alien--I was hoping he would kill off the kids pretty quickly). These kids were a couple of little shits and you could care less what happened to them. Too much dialogue at the beginning that had nothing to do with the story and was basically page filler until you got to the discovery of the alien.
As others mentioned, these kids as written seem WAY older than 12, especially when they're already sexually active and smokin' doobies and talk like drunken sailors. They also seem to have the ability to fight off angry aliens with a stick and a rock. These are some kick-ass kids.
Not enough development around the discovery or the aftermath of the discovery. You could have cut out the first couple of pages of dialogue and focused more on that, IMO. It's a quick read but not one that excited me. Thanks for entering, though.
I'm curious how you tie a tournequit on a shoulder...
I think this story went on way too long for what it was. You had five pages of character development, six pages of the two kids being attacked, and one page with the payoff. And it wasn't that great of a payoff. While it may have met the requirements for the OWC, it wasn't that interesting a piece.
I think what's missing, here, is some sort of growth between Ronnie and Spencer. I understand that this script takes place in an hour's timespan, you need to include something different once your creature appears.
A bit too much description on your characters to start. After reading both descriptions, all I'm seeing are two sloppy kids. For a short, that's all you need IMO.
Four pages in and all we have are two burnouts screwing around in the woods. I can see you working to achieve the R-rating but your effort shouldn't be front and center. Things need to be happening instead of them having a conversation.
The dialogue on page 7 didn't feel natural for me. The way I see it, they're running for their lives so there's very little time or breath to be talking. "My shoulder hurts bad. I'm gettin' kinda dizzy too." Can't buy it.
Not much of a story here. I don't know why they were that deep in the forest to begin with; maybe a leisurely stroll...in the misty, dark forest? This felt imbalanced with little action, lots of talk to start and the battle with the monster towards the end. It just felt fluffed up with needless dialogue and the monster mash was a bit too much. Great descriptions but a little long for my taste. This felt like the opener to a feature actually.
Very straight-forward here. Smooth, clear writing. Overall, it felt very safe. Few risks taken. Some jerk kids wandering through woods are attacked by an alien, kill the alien in a counter-attack, and later discover hundreds are invading the area.
I sort of care about the kids, but not really. They have good, realistic personalities (albeit a year or two beyond their years), but they're not really developed. We aren't given any reason to care for them and nothing's really gained/lost throughout. What's fascinating to me is that, while this is technically-perfect and has a logical flow, it's got no soul. No pizzazz or chutzpah. On the one hand, it's disappointing, but on the other...it's something to marvel at. I'm not trying to be condescending, I'm just making observations. It's educational and it shows how important character development is and how much is lost without it. I'm tempted to believe that was intentional.
"I remember a time of chaos. Ruined dreams. This wasted land. But most of all, I remember The Road Warrior. The man we called 'Max'."
A little too descriptive at times. Your "deer" paragraph could be shortened to "a deer nuzzles in the shrubbery".
I may have to agree with a few users. The profanity seemed tacked on. I've never really heard a 12-year-old use the "C" word... other than Chloe Moretz in Kick-Ass.
Nor have I really heard a 12-year-old performing an act of oral sex on a girl...
Can 12-year-olds "masterbate"? I'm not sure their short and curlies function that way just yet.
For an Alien invasion, it's not half bad. However, some of the swearing, sexual slurs and drugs could be cut back a bit. I mean, they're 12, things don't work the way teenager's things work, so the sex stuff does not matter.
It did seem like it took 7 pages to get to the story of the short. For the first 7 it was full of lucid sexual slurs, jumpscare fakeouts and some off-putting dialogue shared between two kids, but the end did make up for it.
The Alien battle could be shortened quite a bit. Leave that to the director, just detail small snippets of the action and try to condense the writing a little, as it felt too descriptive, on approach with a novel (which I have experience with).
Still, if you cut back on the swearing, the R rating could still be there. These creatures are pretty terrifying for a reader with a vivid, visual imagination, and what I saw was a cross between a XENOMORPH and GOLLUM.