Arty, I wrote this part 2. out the other day and didn't post it. So, if I've put in a bunch of stuff you no longer need just discard.


SINGLE MOM, 20’s. Showing a
few signs of a tough life, but still attractive. p.44
This shorthand of yours Arty - tis not bad as such but - I think SINGLE MOM should have a name considering she has dialogue.

While we're on this scene - hmm, that is some gratuitous sex going on and still she has no name?

Mosquito pushes her face
down into the dirty sink water.

My first reaction was, aw, now that just wasn't polite was it? And, by that I mean when she first got her head dunked, but then he drowns her in the act?!  Hmm, no. Not to mention I think this would push the movie over a certain rating.

We already get that Mosquito is barbaric and capable of extreme violence but he had no real need to kill her in this manner? And, with the baby in the other room. I just can't see any merit in this as far as plot or character goes in this type of action script/movie.

MOSQUITO
I don’t feel like my request was
unreasonable. Now, listen up you
ignorant cretins, promptly move
away from the vehicle.

Once again, choose which sentence you want, I'd say. It's too much. Fine for a first draft. I do this too, kinda get on a roll and just get the dialogue down that spills out but it'd either be 'I don't feel like... ' or: 'Listen up you ignorant cretins...' not both. p.47

He uses a Q-tip to clean out his bloody nostrils, eyes
watering during the task.

Not sure we really need to see that (above) either. I mean it becomes a focal point. I'm not just being squeamish I just don't think you need it.

COP
Guy by the entrance, Detective
Gonzalez. He’s in a suit you
probably wouldn’t be seen dead in.

I'd get rid of that too. It doesn't fit - he's just a cop on the scene and I don't think it would happen him being of much lesser status. Or the next description where he 'checks him out'. See this Cop's role is a minor part - perhaps if it was one of Wolfe's lines I'd buy it cause you've set up the banter with him. But here, no.

The dialogue between MOSQUITO and the DETECTIVE is too wordy too.

'the light's on red' apostrophe p.57
'both saw it' - should be: 'both see it' p.59
p. 59 'I would of done the same' 'would have' - you're obviously confusing this with the contraction and the phonetic sound 'would've' - been stated prev. by me and Dustin so won't labour the point from here on. You're not likely to forget this one.

p.59 Mosquito’s head slams against the window,
shattering it.

Now I know and you know it's the window that shatters but this sentence is ambiguous as written and the ambiguity is in the fact it could be his head that shatters, as written.

'He pulls his pistol,
the gathered crowd back away.' p. 62
Sometimes you combine two actions in one sentence when they really should be two separate sentences/actions.

A special App for stealing a car - now, that's funny.  

I think Tech should have a name - she's more than a minor character and if it's a nickname it doesn't come across that we, least to me.

I'd give MALE VOICE on p. 65 a name from the get-go too. Nice dialogue here btw.

But overegging it with this one:
Not get enough sandwiches
with your picnic?
p.66

lets not forget
let's not forget p. 68

FARAWAY
Don’t worry about him, he’s just
being like that right now. What
have you got? p.75

The bit with Dragon and Faraway and then the ensuing dialogue with Faraway and Wolfe re this and then later when Dragon has more dialogue re the situation with Faraway that occurred - I think Faraway's far too sophisticated for this.

MOSQUITO
Yes, Mister Wolfe, we meet again.
Just be thankful that on that day
your colleague was in my line of
fire and not you. You being shot by
the spy and not me is the only
reason you’re still alive. It’s a
shame you never got to show him
your gratitude.

p.81 This is a little convoluted - (above).

'punts her...' top of p.82 - did you mean 'punts'?

'they can often find incredible resolve
within themselves, which can prove
quite time consuming.'
Just go with 'incredible resolve' - the 'within themselves' is redundant and is just saying the same thing. p.82

Likewise: how did you
locate us here?

You don't need the 'here'.

'Antarctica is the only continent I
haven’t fucked on.'
p.83 You don't want to end this sentence with a preposition - makes Wolfe sound like he's not that well educated and he is a journo - this could be said a whole lot better.

The 911 call doesn't sound realistic to me.

Our U.S. friends spell recognize with a 'z' - I'm pretty sure too.

I’m not here to get laid, Hessian,
is it?

p.94 Should be two sentences (above) otherwise it sounds odd.

And, finally I'm pretty sure 'laboured' should be 'labored' for U.S.

Overall I enjoyed this. The ending is predictable but satisfying - and would be for an audience too. There are some spots where I got a little lost. And some areas where Wolfe just doesn't appear to know what he's doing and gets himself in situations where he could get knocked off easily - that could actually be an upside as it's different and allows for quite a bit of humour. Along those lines I'd personally intro Faraway earlier and get the two of them 'on the job' faster.

I'd intro Mosquito earlier too.  Perhaps involve Lowenna a bit more too - Wolfe loves his sister - at least if she's going to die then my suggestion would be that Mosquito kidnap her or at least use her as bait with Wolfe. There are a few too many extraneous characters imh and I sometimes got a little lost - but that may be my fault. It's difficult when there is not one clear antag. Perhaps another draft would clear that up for me.

Great job Arty with finishing this draft. Like I said before, you must be pretty chuffed.

Btw, I don't expect you to trawl through all of this and respond to every point. Like I said if something's useful for the next draft then great, or if you feel you want to respond to any particular point. And no need for a read of mine just yet but hopefully soon.  

P.S. Just a couple of things I forgot:

The scene with Dragon and Faraway - I'd be more subtle about whether Faraway did or didn't do the deed with Dragon. She's MI6 so I can see her going into the room with him but I think given her talents she'd get out of this and leave the room with one up on him. Perhaps in dialogue you could still have Wolfe pissed off with what he thinks she's done and some dialogue between the two of them but leave it open ended.

Finally - that oft used quote '... make an ass of u and me' - I'm not sure that 'text speak' abbreviation of you 'u' should be in a screenplay. ?
Over and out.

Hey Art,

Congrats on your first feature. I’ll jump right into it…

Pg. 9 “TECH: Location and name. The IP address is registered to a woman by the name of Lowenna Trevelyan. No obvious ties.” Might what’s about to happen be more shocking if we hadn’t heard this part of the conversation?

Pg. 10 “Blacked out windows, Pilot drives, Hessian in back.” Now that he’s driving a car, calling him the Pilot is playing tricks on me.

Pg. 14 “CHINAMAN, 30’s. The name sums him up. ” Be careful. Some take that as a derogatory term.

“TECH (V.O.): ...And I repeat, we need the sheets brought in to check for stains. It’s no longer a complete sheet change.”  I think the code speak may be stretching here. Any further elaboration and I’ll start asking myself, “What about the duvet? Will they fluff the pillows?”

Pg. 15 “He holds out a massive fist, expecting a knuckle bump, the sign of respect amongst fighters.” Certainly a subjective thing, but I’d cut this. The reason being, this is the moment Wolfe’s world is completely upended. He’s being thrown into chaos, and having his hitman display this sort of fairness and evenhandedness makes the encounter feel “safer” than if he didn’t. This is one of the moments when he should be in the most danger, so I’d keep it relentless and unforgiving. Plus, it’s a moment that plays better between two characters who’ve established a rapport, and they haven’t.

Pg. 16 “Lowenna.” If you wish to make this more of a shocker, you could lift the info I mentioned above and have Wolfe find her before he’s attacked.

“He spots the phone chord leading under the bathroom door,” Who has corded phones anymore? I’m sure some do, but I know more people who have ditched landlines entirely than own a corded phone. I don’t think Maid really needs a clue here anyway. Where else would Wolfe be but in the bathroom?

Pg. 17 “A light flicks off, optimum heat.” 1. I’m not entirely sure what that means. Did someone turn the lights off? 2. It takes 5 to 10 minutes for a curling iron to heat up. Even if it had been recently used, how could he know that, and he wouldn’t need to plug it in. Also if curling irons can kill a man this easily, I need to stop pissing off my wife.

Pg. 18 Didn’t they already get a man into the apartment? Why would they expect to have to pick the lock?

Pg. 20 The extant of Wolfe’s badassery kind of comes out of nowhere for me. Originally I didn’t mind the funny cat videos, but now it seems incongruent.

Pg. 20-21 Too many notes. Some of it seems like stuff he wouldn’t have to write down to memorize (“Target=Me”).

Pg. 27 I’m not really convinced that Hessian would slip into some sort of samurai code of ethics here rather than kill the boy. I haven’t noticed that in his character up until this point.

Pg. 29 I don’t think Wolfe would let himself be strapped in. It leaves him far too vulnerable and he’s got other options. Wolfe’s proven to be pretty capable and resourceful, so this seems like a lapse in judgment. Why couldn’t he just throw some money around to get her on a fifteen minute break and talk like normal?

Pg. 34 “The bodies pile up, the Henchman#6 still firing.” I’m guessing this isn’t a clandestine operation. If it was, it sure ain’t now.

Pg. 35 “As a man of science, I adapt myself to the results provided.” This part seems shoe-horned in. What in the situation is causing him to say this? Why is a man of science heading up a mercenary team?

While I appreciate the effort to characterize this guy, he comes off a little over the top. I can’t take him seriously. I think you need to either enhance the old school Bond-type elements you’ve got and have fun with them, or tone down characters like the Professor.

Actually the more I think about everything up to this point, it really does feel like there’s a lot of inspiration taken from pre-Daniel Craig Bond movies. The problem is, a lot of that stuff feels outdated and really works best when you’re winking at the audience. Letting them know, that you know, how ridiculous some of this is. So far I haven’t gotten a good enough sense of you winking. A little self-referential humor, to let me know you’re on my side of this assessment.

Pg. 41 “Face being pounded into a bloody mess, he died six punches ago, they continue on, expending all their energy.” I really dug most of that fight scene. This seemed like too much. When your heroes are beating the hell out of a dead body it makes them seem, at best, impractical.

The dialogue afterwards is a good example of what I meant by you winking at the audience. I think it needs to be more consistently used through-out though. Especially in the beginning, as that’s where you set the tone.

Pg. 45 I don’t think the scene with Mosquito and Single Mom can work alongside the campier elements. It’s too brutal and disturbing to be fun. Maybe in a horror movie. [As a side note, though, I don’t think this necessarily pushes it to an NC-17 rating. It’s about how you shoot it. Sure the action can say, “He inserts himself into her”, but that doesn’t mean the shot is of the actual insertion. It would just be way to awkward to write, “They react as if insertion has occurred”. Hell, if you wanted you could shoot that scene without any nudity at all.]

The scene with the Thugs afterward is kind of redundant. I know we’re learning how crazy and brutal this guy is, I just think you can get it done in one scene rather than two.

Pg. 50 “GONZALEZ: Ask him for a copy of the security footage. Haven’t checked it out myself yet, tryin to get a feel for the scene, ya know?”  What is he, a New Age detective? How can it be the next day and no one’s looked at any security footage? Gonzalez would be one of your campier elements. He’s a little too much to take seriously.

Pg. 57 “FARAWAY: I don’t know, you do a pretty good panda impression.” Nice joke, but it draws my attention to the idea that your hero could possibly look hilarious for the remainder of the movie.

Pg. 63 I think Tech should say something about Hessian’s change of appearance. Otherwise I worry it would just come off as a bizarre addition to the scene.

Pg. 67 I think it might be wise to have a better idea of what they’re doing by now. The lack of new revelations is starting to slow the story down.

The stuff with Dragon blackmailing Faraway for sex doesn’t work for me and part of the reason is this… “Midway between chubby and clinically obese, he wears cowboy boots, underpants and a Santa hat.” …doesn’t strike me as a man immune to interrogation.

Pg. 81 “You being shot by the spy and not me is the only reason you’re still alive.” How does that work?

After the intro he got, I have to say Mosquito didn’t seem like a formidable opponent. He held them hostage for a couple minutes, but that’s as close as he got to any sort of success.

Throughout the script, Hessian struck me more as the manager of this operation, pulling the strings from the shadows while his minions went out and did his bidding. So it strikes me as out of character to have him being the trigger man. Why not hire someone else to do this, rather than put himself at risk?

It could use some smoothing over, but I like the attempt to bring Murtaugh back into it somehow. You should set-up that chopper and helipad in the earlier scene, though.

Pg. 91 “Wolfe checks the phone, a message shows the office block, a window circled with the word ‘here’ pointing to it.” Did Dragon run shot trajectory analysis? How did he narrow it down so much?

Pg. 92 I think you should find a way to introduce the Chinese situation earlier. I know it’s hard to do that and have it not be obvious where the plot is going, but to get to this moment and realize I’ve got no connection to the target or his importance makes the stakes feel low.

I dig the parachuting entrance. It’s improbable, but it’s also exciting and worth the suspended disbelief in my estimation.

I like some of the resolution, but I’m not sure Faraway would have anything to do with Dragon. He’s a creepy weirdo who bribed her for sex. I don’t buy them being all chummy.

I enjoyed a lot of this. A bit overwritten in places, but I was rarely confused at what was happening and that slows me up more than anything. In addition to what others have said, I’d work on making tone more consistent. Figure out what you want this to be, gritty and realistic or just a fun, wild ride. Right now I’d say it’s closer to the latter

But for a first feature written in 7 weeks there’s a lot of good here. I can definitely tell you were trying to give each scene a little something different to make it stand out and that’s great. Just don’t forget to look at the big picture to make sure all the little choices make sense in the grander scheme of things.

Good luck with it and congrats.
Eric

Hey Arty,

Congrats from my side too.

Okay, title doesn't work. It's the job designation that doesn't work. Think about which movies are given the name of a job. None. Concerning jobs mainly the words "cop" or maybe "soldier" work (Okay comedy gives us cooks and zookeepers and stuff). Don't know why, but it's a fact. I think it's just too specific: why the blockbuster audience should be interested in a journalist? The job isn't generally popular. It keeps away too many peoples from the start who don't give a *** about journalists, young peops which are even not knowing what a journalist "actually" is, better said "does"-they want action. If it's about a drunken journalist for example, the producers decide to call it - Rum Diaries. Just my opinion. We actually have the opportunity to even research about those techniques, teasing, titles etc... It's really interesting, maybe even necessary to invest in research since it's a HUGE decision maker.


What you've done is impressive with regards to this is your first feature work. You have a big talent on display and you're able to develop unique scenes and sequences. Also, I noticed you try not to rush through; instead you give some well handled extras to your characters which build some very important empathy.

Although you have some very intense, entertaining stuff here –

fight at Wolfe's apartment, whole strip club sequence, Professor, rape by Mosquito-

the line of the story doesn't work for me.

Wolfe is the main protagonist and I don't understand his "true" motivation and his inner side a lot till far behind page 50. It's just a guessing for the- why Wolfe is Wolfe- on and on while watching him doing stuff. That's not a satisfying circumstance for me. ((add: actually even in the end I don't understand his motivation to risk his life-- sure for his country- but HOW CAN HE SHOW BETTER WHAT HE IS AND WANTS/NEEDS?))

Well Wolfe needs to write a better article- it's not good enough for his boss Murtaugh. Here and there the word "Nigeria" plops in without further explanation and, yes, we get a feeling he has a lot of things going on. Still, when Wolfe loses his sister his neighbors, the first thing he starts is to investigate something as if it's his usual mode. I remember in your first ten I already criticized I didn't understand the tone well... Though I liked the fiction-touch of the world a lot.

Movies can work several ways. The audience knows more than the characters, or even the opposite: the characters know more than the audience. It's way too extreme here. Still it's a fun ride. And I'm saying that notwithstanding I'm not a fan of the Tarantinoish kind of entertainment for entertainment style (that said your overpictured characters are MUCH better than his honestly!!!). I usually want more. Make an experience. Maybe that's the fact I didn't go completely with your shiny impressive pictures and extreme characters.
I started to enjoy your play more and more in the end, but anyway I couldn't understand you let me so unclear about Wolfe and just let him loose being a martial arts guy. As said it's not my complete taste of story, still I think there's something not fitting concerning the development of your protagonist. The theme behind also comes in too late.

I hope some points help somehow. For a first play it has a great quality!!!