Great little story.

I think maybe a little more emotion should have been shown in the last scene.
It has obviously been only a few months since Paul passed away and I think Helen should have been more affected, considering she is pregnant and certainly more emotional due to her hormonal changes. ( THERE WAS NOT A MENTION OF CRYING OR EVEN A TEAR IN HER EYES)

Overall, a quick, easy and pleasurable read.

Not too much in the sense of comedy, but still, a good OWC effort.
Thank you for the read.

I am afraid I have to agree with Astrid here. The idea is not new, it is indeed a cliche you find in a soap opera - even the talking to the headstone is something you see in countless TV dramas and Films. There is certainly an emotional impact to be obtained from this set up - I just didn't feel anything from this script. It lacked punch.

The song was, again, fitted into the story rather than serving as part of it. Maybe if it had been mentioned that Paul had written it for the wedding and Helen was remembering it?

The dialogue was chunky, and didn't feel realistic - and Helen's set piece monologue at the end fell flat for me - I know that we were supposed to feel something from Helen opening her heart to her departed husband, but again it just felt like empty words to me.

It did have a fairly good structure - a beginning, middle and end, and used the time jumps well, but I am afraid that was about all I could see to recommend it.

Sorry.

Good job on this one jon, very well written, might lag in comedy but i did think this fit the challenge, good use of the song and a good story to go with it.  From the title i kinda knew how this was going to end, but still i thought it worked well.  One of the best for me.

After a week without internet access I can finally get around to responding to these comments and tackling my 'to read' list. Thanks to all who took the time to read and pass judgement on this one, whether you were complimentary or critical; I promise to return the reads in the near future.

I agree with those who said that the comedy is light, probably too light, and it's definitely uneven in that the shift in tone is pretty abrupt (although I'm not sure I fully agree with Tommy, who said that the first third 'doesn't match'). Dec, you're right; continuing a layer of light-heartedness probably would benefit the script as a whole. The monologue at the end...pity a couple had trouble with it. I'm trying to work on being able to write good monologues (there are a few in the feature I'm toiling away at). A good monologue can be tremendously good onscreen - I look to Aaron Sorkin as a particularly good crafter of monologues - and it's an art I'm eager to master. Clearly I have more learning to do! Thanks for the comments on the writing, too; I'm developing a writing style I'm fairly happy with, which leaves me free to concentrate on all the other areas I need to vastly improve on!

Just want to quickly take a moment to respond to the two overtly negative reviews from Astrid and Niles. Firstly, Astrid's dismissal of the lyrics. I don't really see how they DON'T fit with the funeral scene. Rather than just lie down and wait to die, Paul chose to keep fighting, to continue living, even to the point of refusing to cancel his wedding. His life was under attack and he fought it because he felt he should; isn't that what the lyrics say?

And Niles - ouch. To paraphrase the words under your avatar, I guess I really failed, huh? Clunky, unrealistic dialogue, an emotionless story that was both cliched and failed to fulfil its emotional potential...I don't really see anything to contest there, because clearly this just didn't work for you. Your comments on the dialogue are so odds with others' that I'm not sure what to make of it. Thanks for the compliments on structure, that was nice to hear. But other than that...sorry for wasting your time!

I think I will give this another look and a slight rewrite at some point, then re-upload. Thanks again to all who read, and congrats to all who took part in the OWC!

Jon

Jonny,

While scanning the OWC it stuck out to me that your script was criminally short of reviews considering your active participation, so here I am.

Definitely feel the opening of 'Four Weddings and a Funeral' is an inspiration here?! That movie is even better with the extra years, and its opening is among my favourite for comedies. True upper Britain tomfoolery. Fuck, fuck, fuckety fuck

The content is something tailor made for a feature/Scrubs episode, I think. The problem with identifying with Paul's plight is that we do not know him. I felt you used two nice techniques to try and nip that issue in the bud:

- The soft tones employed by Susie when waking Helen, which gave a sense of tension to me.

- The visual direction with the tie tightening. Very nice way of challenging us to consider this happiest of days through the solitude of getting dressed for your wedding as a cancer sufferer.

This story also evokes one of my faves, 'My Life'. A superb film that lost its traction, I think, by being released so close to 'Philadelphia'. Having written this, and if you haven't seen it, I would be 99.9% sure you would like it.

Because this pain and suffering is presented to us with no knowledge of what what had gone before, it falls a little flat. It felt like you recognised this, and then gave us an intimate view of Helen and Paul in the foyer where basically the meat of the story happens in less than a page.

Off topic slightly, but I've been known to spend a lot of time with people in their 40s and 50s, and their wisdom always helps give a poignancy that seems bereft in my age group. It's their experience of how quickly life unfolds, of how it will pass you by, if you are not careful. This story made me think of a time when my dad's good friend's partner told me of a woman she knew who was mid-30s, and had been diagnosed terminally ill. She referenced how this woman had put her affairs in order, and then wrote her own eulogy-of-sorts of those in her life. Apparently, it was incredibly touching. It's that sort of emotion that I feel this script is built for.

Good work, and I just feel that your basis is incredibly powerful, but the content falls a little short in truly touching me, despite some lovely touches.

Andrew

EDIT: Oh, and I agree that more comedy would help layer the story more effectively. It's what always makes 'Scrubs' standout, for me - and this feels like a 'Scrubs'-type story, as stated above. It's that power of laughing one minute, and an eye filling up with tears within seconds. That extreme response is what would elevate this one as Dec stated.