While commercial, this one just didn't work for me. Hard to put my finger on it, but maybe it's all the name dropping, the fame.

The tears at the piano, I didn't think that she would do such a thing, and the line "someone broke my heart and this is what came out" wasn't ringing bells for me, either.

I did like the bar scene with her and the patrons.

Quoted from cloroxmartini While commercial, this one just didn't work for me. Hard to put my finger on it, but maybe it's all the name dropping, the fame. The tears at the piano, I didn't think that she would do such a thing, and the line "someone broke my heart and this is what came out" wasn't ringing bells for me, either. I did like the bar scene with her and the patrons.

My post was long, but essentially, you nailed it, very pro-like:

That's what I was picking up with the dialogue also and why I wrote what I did in my review.

It's good dialogue, but it doesn't fit here. It's just misplaced weight within the script. I think we all do that. I know I do that myself. I don't mean to, but I do....

And until I can assimilate it completely, through many writes and rewrites I will faulter, UNTIL! ...

Until that blessed day when I can feel it so internally, that it's like touch typing. At that point, the writer JUST KNOWS.

Sandra

This is an ambitious story, with a clever central idea (the melody on the voice mail) and a lot of action squeezed into twelve pages to bring the two protagonists together at the end. I thought the initial attraction was too sudden and unmotivated. It wasn't clear at the time that Tony needed someone in his life. In fact, he seemed to have everything going for him and a relationship would be a drawback. I also thought we needed more on the woman. We have no idea of her personality, just of her circumstances. These two things apart, I thought this complex story was carefully thought out and well written. A bit of romance, a touch of comedy, and relevant lyrics make this a contender. Plus I'd award extra points for bringing it up to date with YouTube.

I liked the idea here but I think for a story like this there needs to be more depth and emotion.  I felt like we were just watching Tony and never did really connect to him. We see his manic work side but we don't really see a warm side, even when he's talking to his daughter.  If you show his cold, Hollywood side melting when he talks to his daughter then show that same melty side when he sees the woman at the piano then he wouldn't seem so one dimensional.  

"She took his heart with her." - I think they need more interaction for that to be believable.  The way you painted Tony, I'm not sure he'd fall like that.  Especially because nothing really happened.  I didn't see any sparks between them.

The action/narrative felt heavy and it slowed the story down a bit.  And the last scene with the TV and the You Tube video...just seemed a bit too much.  Too convenient that she'd be standing in a bar at the same time the segment was being shown.  Again, if they had more interaction maybe he could have gotten some kind of clue out of her on either the company she worked for or a place she hangs out or was going to, so he could have a more focused search making it more believable when she sees the video.  Just a suggestion.

Good luck with this.  I hope you give it some TLC, it's got potential.  

Quoted from wannabe I liked the idea here but I think for a story like this there needs to be more depth and emotion.  I felt like we were just watching Tony and never did really connect to him. We see his manic work side but we don't really see a warm side, even when he's talking to his daughter.  If you show his cold, Hollywood side melting when he talks to his daughter then show that same melty side when he sees the woman at the piano then he wouldn't seem so one dimensional.   "She took his heart with her." - I think they need more interaction for that to be believable.  The way you painted Tony, I'm not sure he'd fall like that.  Especially because nothing really happened.  I didn't see any sparks between them. The action/narrative felt heavy and it slowed the story down a bit.  And the last scene with the TV and the You Tube video...just seemed a bit too much.  Too convenient that she'd be standing in a bar at the same time the segment was being shown.  Again, if they had more interaction maybe he could have gotten some kind of clue out of her on either the company she worked for or a place she hangs out or was going to, so he could have a more focused search making it more believable when she sees the video.  Just a suggestion. Good luck with this.  I hope you give it some TLC, it's got potential.

You are correct and I think we're all learning here.

We need to really ask ourselves just why our characters are acting the way they do. What are their motivations? Their conflicts within themselves and others. Yada-yada.

Good job wannabe!

Sandra