Thanks for the read and comments, Stiffler.  You're right, the opening scene goes on a bit too long.  Some of the banter could easily be lost. It was rushed for sure.

I'll try and give your scipt a look when I get some time.

Hey Col, thanks so much for this nice, double post review.  Love it!

Yeah, not sure what happened exactly to cause the sinister tangent on this thread, but you’re probably right in what you suspect.  It is surprising how some people let their emotions run off and cause them to act so juvenile and downright mean.  Oh well, shit happens as they say, right?

Thank you for your kind words on my reviews.  I do my best to offer criticisms and suggestions in a constructive way, and it’s always meant to help…not hut or put down.  I definitely call it as I see it, and that’s the way I’m always going to be.  You are the same way and I always appreciate reading your thoughts and reviews as well.  You have a way with words and are a very talented writer, so your thoughts mean a lot to me.

I also agree with he way you approach these OWC reads.  Like ‘em or hate ‘em, everyone needs to understand that a lot goes into these in terms of effort and thought.  For me personally, writing on a subject that I have little or no interest on, is difficult.  I’m also not much for time crunches and deadlines, but we do what we have to do, when we have to do it.

I really didn’t want to give away my identity here, and thought that there were a number of writers who might have written something involving an SS in-joke.  I even thought that some may think someone else was trying to write on a subject like this to throw their identity off.  Who knows, maybe it just reeked of “me”.  Hard to say.  For me personally, I have a lot of trouble figuring out who wrote what, but maybe others can tell.

Thank you for the compliments. I always do try and practice what I preach, and I definitely try and hold everyone accountable to the same standards under which I try to write.

I think the intro is a bit long and if I did a rewrite, I would knock it down a bit as well as add a few more visuals.  The banter, characterization, and song is the key though in this first scene.  It was very important for me to get the song in early, and have it be an actual plot point.  I based everything around the song and lyrics.

Glad the humor worked for you here, early on.  These guys are great friends and this is how they communicate with each other.  Although they’re busting each others nuts continuously, they don’t mean any harm by it. It’s just the way they are.

I wasn’t really trying to say anything negative about Balt…just joking around.

T-B-L-D-N-C-R. – stands for “Table Dancer”…as in a stripper gives “table dances” for a living.

Yeah, I was laughing about the John C. Holmes plug.  That dude always cracked me up.  If he wasn’t a porn legend, he could have been a comedy legend with his demeanor and delivery of cheesy lines.  Pure classic!

Yes, you are correct, I tried to play it out as long as I could as to what Balt had “shown” her…even using the phrase, “whipped it out”.  Funny.

I didn’t really have the time (or maybe I just didn’t care) to worry about what these characters did for a living.  But you’re definitely right…they do something with movies and scripts, and they are all wealthy and spoiled.

My personal favorite was the “insanely chested girls” reference.  I was laughing so hard over that.  I was a bit tanked at that point, and I think I actually had to stop writing when that description popped up.  As someone else correctly noted though, those words will only be funny in the written stage, as they can’t transfer to film, but the visual sure does, and it’s a nice visual at that.

Many have had the same issue that Angel would never accept the apology that easily, but I’ve tried to point out again and again that this is a comedy and this shit happens all the time in rom coms.  Over the top, sure, but it served the story and I actually came up with the ending at the very end, and rewrote the part about the insanely chested girls for that reason alone.

Yes, Tommy forgot about Jackson’s plans.  Could have been the booze as well as his Angel back in his life.

Cool, glad you liked it and it read quickly. Others have said they thought it dragged and was dull and slow.  I have to agree with you here!

You’re definitely right…the middle section is definitely the weakness, IMO.  That’s what I would change in a rewrite. I would add some action and sight gags in the ocean with Tommy and Jackson.  The dialogue is weakest here as well, and I see many lines that should be axed.

I actually wanted people to like and be able to relate to Tommy. He made a mistake and he was genuinely sorry.  I didn’t play this up enough and would in a rewrite.  It was a time issue and I agree with you that as it stands now, it’s tough to see him for who he really is.  But, remember, the situation with the stripper is only discussed in a he said, she said type way.  We really don’t know the details.  Tommy does say that it was a 1 time thing and he knows he fucked up.

I agree with you on the backlash.  At worst, I thought people would say it was a bit light in drama, but I didn’t think it would piss people off the way it seems to.  I guess I just have that ability.

Thanks again, Col.  Your thoughts and insight is always appreciated.  Take care.

Jeff,

My schedule precluded me from entering/participating in this OWC, which was a great shame, but it is still my intention to offer my views on the scripts.

This wasn't bad, but it kind of just meandered, and felt more like a story to read as opposed to a story I can visualise. Dialogue-driven scripts/movies are my thing, but of course, it all hinges on said dialogue being engaging and focused. Your characters came off as caricatured '90s American Pie-types. Did you ever read that script? It's actually a superbly written script, which - if one can eject the smutty content and snobbery - captures not only the difficulties inherent in being 18 and a virgin, it also captured the era. To me, it was a slightly more boisterous version of the '80s classic 'Risky Business'. Anyway, I digress.

The main problem with this script is that it does feel rushed, and the constant Baltis references appear as a fiening for SS in-jokes. On that basis, it would seem you didn't take it too seriously. That kind of reflects in the quality of the output. I always comment on the message, 'cos, to me, a story must either have a message that resonates, and in lieu of that, it should just flat-out entertain. This just wasn't my idea of either.

Decent script, but I feel like you are capable of much more. Hopefully my views here come across in the good-natured spirit they're intended.

Andrew

Hey Andrew, I really miss that hobbit avatar!  Please bring it back.

No worries, bud.  Your comments are always appreciated.

What can I say, I'm a meandering type of guy.  You and I seem to be on different pages much of the time, and there's nothing wrong with that.  You loved Ingloroious Basterds and thought it was near flawless, and I thought it was dull, slow, and hugely bloated.  Different strokes, my brother.

You're definitely correct, this was hugely rushed, but I'm actually happy with it overall.  The middle needs a rewrite, dialogue needs to be taken out, and some action needs to be infused in the middle.  I think it's pretty funny though, although based on reviews, that is up in the air.

Loved the original American Pie, BTW.  Some really funny stuff there, but alot had to do with the actors that did the work, IMO.  I didn't read the script.  Risky Business was also quite good.  So we actually can agree on a few things!

Thanks for the read and comments.  Hope your schedule calms down a bit.  Take care.

I can't say I've ever gotten into the OWC stuff too much... I will read them, the ones that stand out to me, but rarely will I comment on them. I think they're good to have and keep you moving along and thinking open and freely, but it's just not something I myself set out to take part in.  Then again, I'm the same guy who's been known to hold on to material for far too long.

I also think the OWC is a benefit for writers who want to really get in and have a go at the industry... I equate it to working on a deadline. So, I won't fault the vast majority and quality of scripts I've read out of the OWC for that reason and fact.

It's been a few months since I've been around... Maybe 3 or four?? I can't remember, I've been super busy the last few months with my band and gettin' ready for the baby to focus on writing... So, I'm glad that when I decide to get back into it I've got a script to read that keeps the burner under my feet and doesn't let me forget what I need to deliver on.

Which brings me to "Screwed"

Formatting, for the greater half of 99.9% was flawless. I saw a line on page 8 that needed to be separated from the dialogue, but other than that -- spot on.

I missed out on the big mystery of who wrote it part, which I wish I didn't. I'm guessing it was suppose to be an anonymous entry thing?? Either way, would've seen right thru Jeff in an instant here. Which is for format, pot shots and dialouge that tends to go on a tinge too much without anything happening of importance.  Now, don't get me wrong... I like dialogue between characters. I like those long sessions that seemingly don't have anything but placement in the story to do with the story. But in between something has to happen to make it relevant again.

Not a lot went down, but you know what... I don't think a lot needed to go down. The story was set up to seemingly from the get go, so we're already where we need to be for this one. Everything else was keeping us there. Keeping us reading. So, for all the marks against how it drug on... I think, in the context, we should all analyze these instances in scripts a bit more. Maybe a script goes on far too long sometimes, but just maybe it's suppose to be that way. Know what I mean? I think thinking the opposite of this theory is why Hollywood hasn't produced a single good movie this year or last.

In the end, I found it entertaining... I loved the "Frost Bite" bit. I think that keeping the script away from the shifting eye has been great fun for the jabs and ribs it's given me on this site. I love how some of you go out and make shorts centered around the notion of "Frost Bite"  I think it's all tops, guys.  I just know when the script is posted and you all finally get a chance to read it there will always be that gold standard I set for myself that will open me back up for even more parody... So, for that, I'm gonna have to cut ties with it sooner or later.

The only thing here is I've become the backbone of your story and not just a subplot. I think that's the weakest link in its armor. Everything is funnier at a glance... If you watch enough of the same stand up, he's not funny anymore. Same with the constant jabs. You have to make them relevant in the end. I find them funny because it's personally close to home. But what you have to ask is, will everyone else? Will they care or even know what it's all about?

Good writing. Good dialouge -- Loved the song writing bit.  Fast set up. But as any long road trip tells us... It's not the start or the end that drags. It's the middle.

Glad to be back guys~

Good to hear from you again Balt The crew were worried about you!

And you make some good points, not just about Jeff's short but scripts overall.

Hey Balt!  Welcome back, brother!  Thanks for the read and comments...totally appreciate it.

I agree with everything you've said here, including the potshot at Hollywood.  I think the same way and wonder all the time why everything always has to be the same old, boring-ass, cliche ridden garbage.  One of these days...things will change...I'm gonna see to it!  Well, I sure hope so at least.

Didn't see the mistake you referenced on page 8, so I'm not sure what you're refering to, but I wrote this pretty much in 1 sitting, as the clock was ticking, and the vodka and Jagie was flowing.

You're spot on with your analysis.  Not much goes on, but like you said, not much was supposed to.  Wanted to wrap the story within the music, throw out a bunch of lude jokes, and include you and Frostbite.  You're right that anyone who doesn't know the Frostbite history, will wonder WTF is going on, and won't get it, but I don't really care, as it was just for fun.

Also, like you said, the middle is by far the weak spot.  I think I was a bit hammered at that point, but not hammered enough to make it funny enough.  As I said earlier, if I did a rewrite, I would knock out some of the dialogue in the middle, change other parts, and add an action scene, with sight gags with Tommy and Jackson in the ocean.  I bet it would really spruce up the overall feel.

Thanks again, Balt, your words are always appreciated.  I seriously do look forward to the day when we are all graced with the ability to read Frostbite.

PS  Dude, are you roiding?  Guns look huge!  Best to you!

Ha, no... no... Not any of that. I've just been working out a lot more as of late. I use to stay in shape year round then realized how pointless it was. Now I just workout when I feel I need to look better or to have something else to do. It's easy to get back in shape once you've been in shape I always say... this is also a great way to compensate for getting fatter.

I actually use a combination of Noxplode and Black Powder and just eat 3 times a day.. Doesn't matter what. Just don't over eat.

But back to Topic --

Being October, my favorite month, I want to post something up soon so everyone can mill over it. I don't know if it's going to be a short or a feature length, though.  I have a really good mini series called "Manor Morgue Motel" that'd be fitting for the month... But I dunno??? Something will have to be posted up.

As for the script -- I went back and read it again, under the original PDF and you're right there wasn't a mistake. I was reading it in Corel Word Perfect and not Corel PDF viewer. I had my defaults set wrong.

Adding in some other instances of interaction might help it out, but this was a OWC and I wouldn't' dwell on it too much more, unless you take these characters "which you could... I found them strong enough" into their own full on script.

Anyways, I'm glad things worked out with the house situation and I look forward to reading over some work, everyone.

Baltis~

Was looking through past OWCs and found this...

The story is simple like mentioned and it really did drag a little IMO. A nice effort but I'm sure I would've liked it more if I understood the references. One thing I'd like to mention is that your dialogue is strangely similar in all your scripts/comments on SS. It was a classic "Jeff" story .

Ha!  Mo...funny.  Wow, 3 years ago...damn.

My dialogue always sounds the same?  For reals?  SHIT.  MUST CHANGE DIALOGUE QUICKLY...or else you'll know which OWC is mine in a few days.

Thanks for reading, bro.  Looking forward to this coming OWC.  BRING IT!!!