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Well it depends on modern versus the period that witches/warlocks were more prominent, how you view what modern is. Although I'd say that WW2 is not so modern.
Aside from that, I didn't really get the witch/warlock vibe. I thought it was unrealistic of Himler to even say the words thank you to anyone beneath him. Didn't think it was realistic for them to drink, especially amongst the enemy for like hours. And then to ask what's this all about hours later. Germans are straight to the point. They would have interrogated, tortured to get the information as soon as possible.
This needs a rewrite, could trim this by a few pages or change the approach/enquiry to this random appearance of this place.
I give every script a chance. You never know...maybe these 2 came back to life in modern times some how.
Maybe one shouldn't leave a REVIEW if they do NOT even read past page one. Just maybe. Like if you rip a script ...and especially if you are the first to read it...and you didn't even read the script...it AFFECTS how every other reader will go into the read Jeff. So if you can't get past page one..just don't leave a review. How can you review something you did not read?
Really nothing to do with modern witchcraft, but an interesting "what if" scenario nonetheless. I would have preferred more of a test of wits as the logline promises rather than just Crowley knocking them all down with a spell. Spear of Destiny kind of came out of nowhere and I had no idea what it was. Maybe some kind of foreshadowing there might have helped. It also wasn't clear to me where they were. Germany or some other part of occupied Europe? How did Crowley get there and the fact that an Englishman can just pull up in a car at the end further muddies the situation. Anyway, loved the title.
This had a bit of mystery in it. I guess Crowley was the warlock by knocking the toy soldiers down and causing the men to die??? That was a cool part of the story but it didn't really tie into the rest of the story. I wasn't sure why he was after the Spear. If the story was about getting the Spear of Destiny..seems like we could've met Crowley earlier and had that his goal...and given him some obstacles to go through to obtain it...then the soldier/toy thing would've been better IMO.
Decent job. Needs some work but it's a cool idea. This didn't feel horror to me.
Maybe one shouldn't leave a REVIEW if they do NOT even read past page one. Just maybe. Like if you rip a script ...and especially if you are the first to read it...and you didn't even read the script...it AFFECTS how every other reader will go into the read Jeff. So if you can't get past page one..just don't leave a review. How can you review something you did not read?
Sorry you feel this way, Dena. It's up to each person to read as much as they want or can - and very few will open up every single script like I do on every OWC.
I wouldn't call it a review, it's simply my thoughts, good/bad/indifferent. If it's on 1 page or the whole script, hopefully it helps in some way. No sugar coating, no BS.
Like everything, everyone should take my words with a grain of salt or two.
At first I was going to leave this script because of the comment on it not being valid. However a counter-point by another member that said something about it depending upon what we deemed as modern.
OK, for me WW2 is modern enough. I'm going to give this a shot.
OK, so far, well written. At last, a writer I can read without annoying bad turns of grammar every other sentence.
At the end of the above dialogue, rather than write "Let's continue." I think a visual wave of the hand would be more fitting. I prefer to give visuals over dialogue whenever possible and I believe it makes us better screenwriters when we employ those methods.
"The vehicles pull up a winding road. "
The above sentence is a little off. Maybe it's an American slang thing. I think if you say they drive up this will be more clear. In the UK 'pull up' means to stop. Unless you mean they are stopping, in which case you are missing a word, which threw me.
page 6 - "CROWLEY Splended. Now dinner will be served. Follow me. "
Typo... splendid.
ouch, page 6 - classic novice error here:
"A young soldier begins to eat. "
You'll need to reword the above somehow. Keep those 'begins' and 'starts' out of your scripts as much as is possible.
page 7 - "The soldiers become quiet. "
Comes across as lazy to me. Maybe instead: The soldiers quieten.
Dialogue seems off at times, but that is often rectified on follow-up drafts. It does make you look a little bad, but it's excusable if this is a first or second draft.
I like the original take on the theme... you've done well to pick Crowley, although referring to him as The Beast, I feel, is unnecessary and doesn't add anything to the story aside from your desire to force us to believe he is a very bad man. It comes across as contrived.
The Spear thing, I had to scroll back to make sure that I didn't miss mention of it. If I have then it wasn't impressed upon me enough as Crowley seems to grab it from nowhere. I like the concept. Crowley as an agent for the British and using witchcraft to meet certain ends. It's original in regards to the parameters set and I have to mark you up on that.
Decent writing, decent concept, dialogue lets you down and so does the ending. The story needs work, and cutting down. If I had to mark out of 10, I'd give a 6.5
With some real work this could be a great concept though.
Well, it's been accepted into the OWC, so I guess it must meet some of the parameters, as other scripts have been rejected due to not meeting the parameters. The term modern is subjective, and can refer to 'recent' times, which is helpful as recent is also clearly subjective.
For me, the script meandered, and didn't reflect the log-line, as Himmler appeared to be surprisingly witless. Although I found Ralf's predicament quite amusing, I didn't feel the slight comedic touch was in balance with the script. No major concerns with the writing, but I didn't feel that the story was captivating enough. Sorry.
Okay. First things first. I don't give a hoot or toot about an opening title and how it should look on screen. That's not a writer's concern.
Führer is a title connected to Hitler. Therefore it has to have a capitial F. I know, I know, it's trivial stuff...
Obviously this isn't sry in modern times. So much for a requirement of the OWC. Would Crowley be considered a witch/warlock? But something else bugged me. Do you know what it is?
No ages are given for the characters, no time reference. (Note: Himmler died in 1945; Crowley two years later) So Crowley would have been in his 70s, Himmler early 40s.
I am sorry to say I didn't finish reading. The writer instructed me that the scriopt would be continued, twice. So--did this have an ending or not?
"In a touring car behind a troop filled half track sits HEINRICH HIMMLER." This is maybe one of the most awkward lines I've read.
I've noticed the writing could be a lot more visual, there's almost no description of anything so far.
"The sound of Ralf shitting himself." Okay, I laughed but come on, really?
Spear of destiny? What?
Well, it's not really horror and it's not really implied that it's about witchcraft, plus you can argue that WW2 isn't modern. Underwritten writing, if there's such a thing. A few awkward sentences. Looks like you did some research but the story is pretty bland and boring. Takes too long to get where it is at the end, not a lot to like but it's not complete terrible.
I found it a little unbelievable that the Himmler would let his soldiers eat when he doesn't know anything about this Crowley. In this scenario I would think that Himmler would eat before his soldiers and even then have one of them test his to make sure nothing was in it. Might just be IMO, but this bit felt like the set up was off, to me.
Parts of this I found confusing, while other parts were interesting. There is a story behind all the confusion, but it isn't quite delivered properly yet. With some work this could be good.
As for challenge - not met, IMO - No horror and only the bare climpse of witchery.
For all the debate about modern times, I decided to give this a read. Man, this went by quick. You used your actions sparingly, but effectively. Overall story was good.
However, it def does not meet the criteria for the challenge. When Heimloch followed Crowley into the darkened hall it got about as suspenseful as it was going to get. But no horror to speak of.
Wow. I'm not sure if this one was meant as a pisser? Depending on one's definitions, I'd argue that this one doesn't quite qualify as a horror...or modern (although, one could claim that WWII and onward is close enough.) For me, this primarily came off as a comedy. And - there *were* a few lines that I found amusing. The Marlene Deitrich vs. Dame Vera quip, etc. The gradiosity/erzatz lines were nice and subtle, too.
But - the characters were very flat and one dimensional, as was the dialogue. Frankly, I think it was probably designed that way...so hopefully that doesn't come off as that much of a slam?
Considered not reading this based on how blatantly it balks at the challenge but I've already read too many scripts that did the same thing (albeit a little more clandestinely). Plus the title is sort of fun, there's a lot of white on the page, and I had hopes for some Nazi mysticism, which I love.
I would however like call bullshit on previous comments that defended this entry by claiming "modern" is a subjective term. "Modern" was defined for the challenge in the original thread it was announced in.
Quoted Text
Witches that live in the 21st century - 2013 + or - 10 years. No Salem sh*t.
There you have it.
Anyway, a breezy read indeed. I liked that. I can't say I hated the script. I don't think it really lived up to its name though. I mean, for a script with "vs" in the title, nothing really happened. On top of that, how dumb did these Nazis have to be to sit down with Aleister Crowley and have a feast based on nothing whatsoever?
No Nazi mysticism either.
Meh. With the exception of the overall lack of action, I think anyone who clicked on this should've known what to expect. Sort of pointless as far as the OWC goes though.
No comments read before. Non-native speaker – take it or leave it.
Aleister Crowley vs Heinrich Himmler
Hello!
Ok. I was expecting some crazy stuff.
It came out much fiction, what I expected as well; unfortunately not much horror. No problem.
It's hard to write about something setting up in a historical world like German national socialism. One week is not enough time for research.
For example here one of the big wrong details: These Nazi-power-people like Himmler had a lot of knowledge about their drivers, bodyguard or personal assistant... They saw them like a piece of presentation, like a new car or sth., boast with them at other high ranked Nazi's. They had sympathy to them. He couldn't ignore that Ralf was not well. But all that doesn't care me regarding to one week.
It was surreal, which was cool. I think there is more potential tension inside. Maybe a sight-seeing in Aleisters castle. More movement, please. The try was great. It is definitely feature stuff. Do it before Quentin does. Give it a better ending, not a british car, what suddenly arrives. Let Aleister go crazy... Solid work
10. Aleister Crowley vs Heinrich Himmler by Joe Lewis - Horror - The beast meets the butcher in a battle of wits. Brief -
Location(s) - Cast - Protagonist(s) - Antagonist(s) - Genre & Marketability - Comments - Period piece is too expensive to produce. Pass. Script format - Final word - Pass
Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range / Screenplay Pages = $ Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute
Adherence to Given Criteria: Modern Witches and/or Warlocks - Horror -
Pages: 
Author
Aleister Crowley vs Heinrich Himmler - OWC
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