Hmmm...

There were things I really liked about this story and thing I really did not. I almost quit reading twice, but both times, I told myself the writer deserves more, so I continued to the end.

I did like the zombie witch combination, but I will admit to groaning when I first came across the word zombie. I think this could be made into a fun script. Like Shaun of the Dead or even better, Zombieland type script. There funny parts in this. I guess that's one reason I almost gave up on it. It didn't feel like horror to me. More like a comedy.

For some reason, once we get inside the house and meet this f'd up family, Uly and Momma and Daddy zombie, visions of TCM came to mind. Especially one of the remakes. Can't remember the title right now. Especially the parts of Willow making real nice bay-yees. Messed up for sure.

All in all, not bad. Has potential. IMHO, you need to turn it into more of a comedy. That wouldn't fit the OWC parameters, but I think that would be the best way to go with this one.  

This felt a lil bit cheezy with Willow's first few lines. I was surprised to see zombies out of the gate. And the talk about back door front door ...ack! lol

This didn't feel like a horror to me but it has good potential maybe as a comedy even. Cute story overall.

Well, I will give you this: for a script with so much comedy in it, I think there's still enough here to call horror. I mean, zombies go a long way in that regard.

Still, I had an extremely hard time with this one. Right off the bat, I had trouble finding my bearings. The descriptions do a very poor job and communicating geography of characters and just the lay of the land in general. I was constantly trying to figure out where Willow was and exactly what's going on.

I'm getting extremely burnt out reading scripts like this so maybe my mind is starting to wonder but still. When you first refer to the SUV and Willow watching them, I thought she might be watching from a distance from a stationary SUV. I mean, it was just for a second and perhaps that was dumb of me but couldn't you have written a normal description like "An SUV drives by" or something? I mean, these issues were just rampant.

The dialogue was also a killer for me. Before Willow meets Uly, she's basically talking to herself. That's an issue in and of itself but jeez, does every line she spout out have to be either cute or some kind of awkward zinger? I mean, she's very much in danger for a good spot here. Maybe her mind'd be better suited doing something other than trying to look clever... or cute? I could never figure out what you were going for with some of these lines.

The ending descends into basically a myriad of slapstick shenanigans and by this point, I'd already tuned out. It was a slog to the end, basically. And really... is page 10 just going to read FADE OUT and nothing else? Come on! You KNOW you could've gotten that on page 9 with just a tweak here or there before!

All in all, a frustrating read. But hey, maybe I'm just losing steam here, you know.

No comments read before.
Non-native speaker – take it or leave it.


Willow's bewitchment

Hello!

I read through very quickly this time. It has a reason. It seems to me, that you did write that script exactly as fast as I read it. I can feel some passion, because of that. Because of you keep the writing in flow. The story is the opposite of that fact. It doesn't work.
I see no structure, plots, goals, motives and everything.

I miss decisions you have to make before you start. The genre and theme are stated here, but there are more choices to take before, or to reflect between the writing process. I don't see them here, but honor your passion.

*Spoilers*

This one had an interesting combination - mixing zombies and witches.  There are definite possibilities here.  And a few little bits of dialogue made me chuckle.  Even the main conceit - that of Uly luring in Willow for nefarious purposes had the potential makings of some serious conflict (whether written for comedy or not).  But...

Overall, the comedy didn't do it for me.  And - given the bizarre setup - there really needed to be far more explanation of what was normal in this world.  Where did the zombies come from, what are the odds that two sets of witches would run across each other, etc...

So - this one wasn't for me.  But an okay read, nonetheless.

Cheers,

--J

Even though this had a bunch of typos and awkwardness, it still has some sound writing at its core.  I enjoyed reading it, but I don't know how well this translates to film considering the characters dialogue and interactions.

It had a criss-cross of solid ideas, and for some reason came across like one of those disturbing Punky Brewster episodes I used to love when I was a kid.

"Willow dashes past the kitchen where Mama zombie wails for her son, in both loss of and hunger for."

Awkward writing or not, that's one hell of a line!!

Good job,

Johnny

Weighted Matrix: https://docs.google.com/spread.....TTUE&usp=sharing

Producer's Notes: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NNGaVlrrpkjIfp-BRGjpTE03W1e5lZuRceJ3wQECYaI/edit?usp=sharing

11. Willow's Bewitchment by Seven - Horror - Poor, sweet Willow the witch deftly escapes the horrors of inhumanity only to face a worse fate!
Brief - Witch evades zombies, charmed by desperate warlock, escapes

Location(s)  - Countryside road, farmhouse interior & exterior
Cast -
Protagonist(s)  -  
WILLOW, 20's, thin, blond, and organic
Antagonist(s)  -
ZOMBIES 10X
WILLOW, 20's, thin, blond, and organic
ULYSSES, 50, a bent, mountain of a man
MAMA ZOMBIE
DADDY ZOMBIE
Genre & Marketability - Action Horror. Action is very marketable, but the witchcraft is a bit understated.
Comments  -  Casting and costuming all those zombies is going to kill the budget and exactly how you begin to understand the difference between writing pie-in-the-sky stories and stories that are budget minded = likely to be produced. Witchcraft is pretty light/thin. Only story I've seen so far where the witch isn't an antagonist. A hundred zombies, eh?
Script format - fair.
Final word - Nice, but too expensive.

$5,000 - $10,000     Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/ 9.0               Screenplay Pages
= $555 - 1,111     Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Modern Witches and/or Warlocks - Yes, but it's a bit light
Horror - Yes

some writing notes:

p. 1 -- Willow, 20's, thin, blond, and organic... --

Introducing a main character this way screams amateur. As soon as one sees a writer reaching unimaginatively into his bag of physical traits...fat, skinny, short, tall, blond, brunette...we are 100% sure we are reading an amateur work. You will simply never see this in a pro script. You need to flex some creative muscles, don't be afraid to show the world you are a writer. Paint a memorable image of Willow.

And organic? That just means she consists of life based matter.

I just opened a random Black List script(El Tigre) to look for character intros. The main character has a very long intro, so I'll spare you that. But the wife has one that as very much along the lines of the short intros you prefer. Here it is:

His wife, APRIL (early 40’s), subtly attractive in that busy
mom kind of way...

No need to say she is short, skinny, fat, big breasted, or red haired.

p.1 How do we know the car is moving? We don't until she sees the 'mangled zombie body getting smaller' in the mirror. And of course the body does not actually get smaller, so the writing is sloppy here.

p.1 the church bus suddenly appears in the scene, seemingly out of nowhere. Occupants should be capped.

I don't like to focus on writing, but p1 needs a total rewrite. The flow, the clarity, the wording all need a lot of work.

The rest of my comments will focus on story.

-- surprised at the tone...Willow's comments with her "mr.zombie" and "will you get a life" suggest this is going to be comedy, not horror.
-- made it to the end. I can't really think of anything to add, I'm afraid.

good luck with future work!

Organic (figurative, not literal).

Not a regular 20yo female:


Not a redneck 20yo female:


Not a 20yo kick-@ss action hero female:


A 20yo thin, blond, organic female:
Fine. Her hair can be auburn. Happy?!

And for a short to be actually cast and shot, not as a piece of literature, just how much narrowing of the actor pool should readers demand through elaborate character descriptions by writers?

Blueprint. Not literature.

Quoted from KevinLenihan p.1 How do we know the car is moving? We don't until she sees the 'mangled zombie body getting smaller' in the mirror. And of course the body does not actually get smaller, so the writing is sloppy here.

Code But WILLOW, 20's, thin, blond, and organic, watches them from the safety of her SUV without amusement. BAM! GADUNK-GADUNK! Her car lurches.

Seriously?

I have to spell it out for readers after they've just read the SUV on the country road at night just went "BAM! GADUNK-GADUNK! Her car lurches" that the SUV was moving?

Really?  


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:2000s_comedy_horror_films

Ray, I've taken time to give you honest feedback, I hope you know that these notes are given in the spirit of constructive criticism.

Regarding character intros, I have given you an example of how it can be done in a few words. Not literature...but create a character, not a stick figure with some stock characteristics. I'll repeat the example I found in a Black List script:

His wife, APRIL (early 40’s), subtly attractive in that busy
mom kind of way...

Hair color is not relevant, nor is her weight. Those things CAN be relevant if you are building a character with them.

Regarding the traveling vehicle...yes. You have to spell it out. You're more of a rules guy than I am, so I'm really surprised you don't think so. But even by the rules of simple story telling, how can I tell from your noise effect that the zombie didn't just run into the SUV?

There were other spelling mistakes and even a lone quotation mark. No need to point them all out, OWCs have imperfections.

Regarding story, I want to mention the all important issue of tone. The dialogue by Willow in her very first lines completely undo any expectation of horror. Especially since a lot of spoof movies are done with zombies. Establishing and maintaining the tone that's appropriate to that genre is critical. There are horror comedies, of course, so that's ok if that's the intent. As I've said, IMO horror is a pretty big box.

During the actual OWC, I did stop after page one for the reasons cited, in case that helps.

Quoted from RayW Organic (figurative, not literal). Not a regular 20yo female: Not a redneck 20yo female: Not a 20yo kick-@ss action hero female: A 20yo thin, blond, organic female: Fine. Her hair can be auburn. Happy?! And for a short to be actually cast and shot, not as a piece of literature, just how much narrowing of the actor pool should readers demand through elaborate character descriptions by writers? Blueprint. Not literature. Code But WILLOW, 20's, thin, blond, and organic, watches them from the safety of her SUV without amusement. BAM! GADUNK-GADUNK! Her car lurches. Seriously? I have to spell it out for readers after they've just read the SUV on the country road at night just went "BAM! GADUNK-GADUNK! Her car lurches" that the SUV was moving? Really?   http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:2000s_comedy_horror_films

well, i liked the pictures  

I really don't want to continue or start another argument, but felt compelled to chime in here.

First of all, Ray, Kevin's points, in mnay ways are correct, and I do have to say, your script is not well written out of the gate at all. The Slug is wrong, the action taking place underneath the Slug is wrong, your opening sentence is missing an important comma, the intro is awkward, and as Kevin said, the stuff about the car moving just isn't properly and/or visually written.

But, what I also want to say is that Kevin (no one, actually) should throw out examples from Pro writers or well regarded scripts and say, "See how they do it?  That's how you should do it too."  I am so against this philosophy, I literally can't contain myself.

We all have our opinions on character intros and that's cool and the way it should be.  There are rights and wrongs, but sometimes it really doesn't matter, sometimes the rights could actually be wrong, and other times, beleive it or not, the wrongs could actually be right.

Kevin likes to use unfilmable asides to show his character's character, immediately, which I completely disagree with.  BUT, yes, many Pros do it this way.

Others like to use some sort of physical trait(s) so that readers can picture and differentiate characters.

Hights and weights rarely are necessary, unless they come into play in some way or any way.  But, let's be honest, if a weight or physical shape is given by a good writer, there's most likely a reason for it, if for no other reason than to show a pesonality trait that may be important somewhere down the road.

I don't mean to be a dick and I hope this makes sense.

Jeff, in this post you have not been a dick. I'm not sure how this helped Ray in any way, though.

Beginning writers, and I know that does not apply to Ray, tend to use what I call the Mr. Potato Head approach to introducing characters. They struggle to describe the character, so they grab a head and start attaching stock physical characteristics: height, weight, hair color. And they proceed to do this with most of their characters. And as Ray said, you like auburn hair, substitute. These characteristics are interchangeable.

That's how many amateur scripts look. No pro scripts look like that.

The example I gave above does not have an aside in it, unless one has such a ridiculously narrow version of what an aside it that "busy mom" is considered unfilmable. If that's the case then that's so absurd there is literally no hope and I'm wasting my time. Good luck with that.

As far as pro scripts, it's not my position that every pro script is well written. But it IS my position that most of them are far superior to amateur scripts, and I've read a lot of both. In fact it's downright laughable for amateurs in the ranks to be sitting down here snidely laughing at successful pros who have written numerous scripts and experienced success. In any other profession that would be a joke.

But everyone should do what they think works best. I'm not twisting anyone's arm. Do as you see fit.

Quoted from KevinLenihan Ray, I've taken time to give you honest feedback, I hope you know that these notes are given in the spirit of constructive criticism. Ah, we're good. I can still fit into my big boy panties. Truly, your observations and remarks simply echoed much of what's already been said, so likewise, please take my remarks as more addressing the general readership here rather than being focused exclusively to yourself. Constructively: The folks here at SS spend waaaaaay too much brainpower on writing screenplays as literature to win contests rather than to get a product on the market. No one with the financing + equipment demands all the "refineries" you guys demand out of your screenplay construction. Regarding character intros, I have given you an example of how it can be done in a few words. Not literature...but create a character, not a stick figure with some stock characteristics. Believe me, a stick figure of a stock character description is more than adequate to cast an actor. What you guys demand IS literature. It looks good on paper. It's completely wasted when sitting behind a table listening to 58 auditioners from craigslist. Regarding the traveling vehicle...yes. You have to spell it out. Nuts and bolts: No one in a role of responsibility to actually get things done and up on screen is quite that stupid. I beg to differ. No, you don't. Directors and producers are pretty smart people. You're more of a rules guy than I am, so I'm really surprised you don't think so. Yeah! Because - you don't! Ya'll are giving yourselves a self imposed impediment. The best I can figure out is to win literary awards for screenplay competitions. Seriously. Ya'll are writing equivalents to this: It's great for show, but not very practical. What directors and producers require is the equivalent to this: Something that gets the job done. Doesn't really matter how pretty it looks. Pfft. But even by the rules of simple story telling, how can I tell from your noise effect that the zombie didn't just run into the SUV? Because... you read the whole story and see the whole thing in your mind, not just reading it line by line like a computer? Now that you've read that disdainful first page, could I put a camera on a tripod in your hands, point you to a SUV, give you a map to the location, two actors, and say "Go shoot the first three slug lines. I'll green screen in the other zombies later"? I bet a smart fella such as yourself could do that. I bet all of the folks who complained about "confusing descriptions" could. Why? Why would they complain about it if they could shoot it? WHAT do you guys think a screenplay is? There were other spelling mistakes and even a lone quotation mark. No need to point them all out, OWCs have imperfections. Thank you. Yep. This one is replete with them, and they get worse the closer to the end I got. I'll own that one. No contest. And you know what? Doesn't matter. Once again: could a sensible person shoot the scene? Yes/No? Pass/Fail? WHAT is a screenplay for? To make a film, short or feature. Regarding story, I want to mention the all important issue of tone. The dialogue by Willow in her very first lines completely undo any expectation of horror. Especially since a lot of spoof movies are done with zombies. Establishing and maintaining the tone that's appropriate to that genre is critical. There are horror comedies, of course, so that's ok if that's the intent. As I've said, IMO horror is a pretty big box. I'm... speechless. Pick one. Horror comedy does or doesn't exist? You can't have it both ways. If it does (it does!) then cute little witch twits in dangerous situations probably qualifies. I don't know where the mutual exclusion of comedy+horror comes from. Flesh eating zombies? Horror. Flesh eating zombies running amok across the country landscape? Horror. Driving over a zombie in the road? Horror. Zombie stampede toward you or the protagonist? Horror. Zombie horde eating Christians trapped in a church bus? Priceless! - but still horror. Car crash amid zombie swarm? Horror. Trapped between two zombie hordes? Horror. Can't get in the house while zombies attack? Horror. Zombies grab your bag of magick survival gear? Horror. Zombies rip open your blouse? Horror. Redneck answers the door with a shotgun or rifle? Horror. Redneck gets a free gaze at your bare chest? Horror. Redneck WARLOCK has cast a charm on you against your will while trapped in his house? Horror. Redneck warlock's zombie parents are in the house, too? Horror. Redneck warlock has charm cast you because he wants babies? Horror. Redneck warlock and his zombie daddy chase you about the house while dozens of zombies enclose upon the surrounding area? Horror. The only escape is upstairs? Thriller. Trapped by a huge redneck warlock and his zombie daddy? Horror. Zombie daddy bites into warlock son's @ss? Horror. Redneck warlock charges toward thin little witch trapped at the end of an upstairs hallway while outside a hundred zombies have gathered? Horror. Redneck warlock crashes amid zombie horde? Horror. Zombies rend redneck warlock as daddy warlock chews hole in his back? Horror. So... is it horror or comedy? Code WILLOW C'mon, c'mon, c'mon! C'MON! A pox upon you, you dirty bucket of bolts! START! "The dialogue by Willow in her very first lines completely undo any expectation of horror." is a bit prematurely conclusive. I STRIVE to destroy expectations in my stories. Nothing is so loathsome as to deliver expectations for entertainment. Expect me to undo your expectations. During the actual OWC, I did stop after page one for the reasons cited, in case that helps. It is what it is. No biggie and totally cool. God knows I didn't read all of the submissions, as well - but not because the story or format was "confusing" me. I quit only when the budget or story clearly wasn't what I was looking for - or the writer clearly didn't give a sh!t about tradecraft. Karma, baby. FWIW, I can't recall ever reading a story here at SS that I failed to comprehend and was "confused" about. Ever.

Quoted from Dreamscale I really don't want to continue or start another argument, but felt compelled to chime in here. That's cool. First of all, Ray, Kevin's points, in mnay ways are correct, and I do have to say, your script is not well written out of the gate at all. Hmm. Is that so. The Slug is wrong, My slugs are fine. INT./EXT. LOCATION - DAY/NIGHT Fine. Indisputably fine. Do you have any question about where or when any of the events are taking place? Code EXT. COUNTRYSIDE ROAD - NIGHT INT. SUV - NIGHT EXT. COUNTRYSIDE ROAD - NIGHT INT. SUV - NIGHT EXT. COUNTRYSIDE ROAD - NIGHT EXT. COUNTRY HOME - NIGHT INT. COUNTRY HOME - NIGHT INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT EXT. COUNTRY HOME - NIGHT INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT Tell me: At what point are you "confused" about where or when an event is taking place? Is the opening scene taking place INSIDE of the countryside road? Is it happening in the daytime? Is the second scene taking place INSIDE or OUTSIDE of the SUV? Is it happening in the daytime? Is the third scene taking place OUTSIDE? An EXTERIOR shot, perhaps? Is it happening in the daytime? HOW are these slugs "wrong?" the action taking place underneath the Slug is wrong, How so? your opening sentence is missing an important comma, OMG! The mind shuts down. Code EXT. COUNTRYSIDE ROAD - NIGHT Under a full moon and clear sky soulless zombies shuffle across the fields. Where does that opening sentence need an important comma? https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/607/02/ the intro is awkward, and as Kevin said, the stuff about the car moving just isn't properly and/or visually written. So, if I gave you a camera, two actors, an SUV, and a map you also couldn't figure out what to shoot? Smart guy like you, couldn't figure out what to do? Hmm. I doubt that. I bet you could. It's a girl in a SUV driving down the country road at night. She runs over a zombie she keeps going. Then she brakes. You could do that. It's three simple shots. But, what I also want to say is that Kevin (no one, actually) should throw out examples from Pro writers or well regarded scripts and say, "See how they do it?  That's how you should do it too."  I am so against this philosophy, I literally can't contain myself. We all have our opinions on character intros and that's cool and the way it should be.  There are rights and wrongs, but sometimes it really doesn't matter, Sometimes. Largely. Within certain parameters. sometimes the rights could actually be wrong, and other times, beleive it or not, the wrongs could actually be right. Guess what happens when we audition 58 craigslist actors at the local library conference room on a Saturday afternoon? You. Me. 12pack of Diet Coke. $100 a day for one of these chicks to play "Willow." We gotta pick someone this afternoon. Clock's ticking, Big Guy. I got sh!t to do at 4pm. And we gotta audition 25 "Ulys", and 15 "Pappa Zombies", 8 "Mama Zombies", and just how persickety do you really want that screenplay intro description to be because frankly - mostly the character comes out of the dialog and action - NOT - from the placeholder intro description. Just how much nuts and bolts weight do you REALLY wannna place on that intro description? Seriously. It doesn't matter. Kevin likes to use unfilmable asides to show his character's character, immediately, which I completely disagree with.  BUT, yes, many Pros do it this way. Unfilmables are bad form, but doesn't really matter. Just something to ignore, from a director/producer POV. Writers love 'em. Directors/producers don't give a sh!t. Others like to use some sort of physical trait(s) so that readers can picture and differentiate characters. Bingo. And that's all you need. Rudimentary, stock characters. Wham bam thank you, ma'am. Done. Movin' on. Hights and weights rarely are necessary, unless they come into play in some way or any way.  But, let's be honest, if a weight or physical shape is given by a good writer, there's most likely a reason for it, if for no other reason than to show a pesonality trait that may be important somewhere down the road. In this story's case - Yup! Willow, like her name, is quick in mind and spirit. Uly, like his name, is huge and slow in body and mind. These are both relevant to the events in the story, which is why (dramatic wryly pause) I put 'em there! Ta-da! Not so amateur after all. I don't mean to be a dick and I hope this makes sense. Nope. No d!ckage. You're cool. We're all good.

I think it's fair to say that there's just a completely different, fundamental difference in the way many of you guys are looking at screenplays versus the way I'm looking at them.

What I want...
What i want is to get an image up on the screen.
And I want to record some intelligible dialog. Clever, thoughtful, if at all possible.
I want my horror films to have horror in them.
I don't want them to be all 100% serious, because in real life - gallows humor is pretty f#cking normal in seriously f#cked up situations.
Nothing's as predictably pathetic as a horror film where no one has any GD sense of f#cking humor.
They're all so... MacBethian serious. OMFG. Get over yourselves. LOL!