A single candle flame. But wait, it’s not alone. We spread wide to include at least five other candles in various stages of life set on an old dresser, all thick with cascades of spent wax along their sides. -- This is overwritten and you've included a camera direction. I read a bit further to see if it was important that we know exactly how many candles are on the dresser and I didn't see any reason for it. So why write all of that if it isn't important?

Several candles in various stages of life are set on an old dresser. -- (the phrase "various stages of life" gives us the visual you repeat by describing the cascade of wax)

The flames illuminate walls of old, yet beautiful, woven tapestries. The light finds its way to a bed with an old, yet beautiful, woman - the man’s MOTHER. -- Did you repeat this description on purpose?

I'm at the end of page 6 and nothing is happening. Just a lot of talking. Too much for a story that has to wrap up in 10 pages.  

Okay, story wise it was pretty good. I'm just not nuts about the writing style. Too many writer intrusions IMO. And overwritten, lots of details that don't move your story forward. Stuff like that slows the reader down and your story loses its impact.

Congrats on a good entry for this OWC.

I like the way the title went along with the story and your main character. It's sort of a revenge thing.

One thing I did not get...is why have the scenes with his mother? It doesn't tell us anything except he lives at home and his mother is a drunk. They didn't do anything for the story IMO.

So because Julie was his only friend from the office...he saved her by telling her to come in late.

Well, I think this needed to get going a lot faster. I think you could've showed more with the humiliation/coworkers because there wasn't a lot to warrant him burning them all up IMO.

Good job completing an OWC.

No comments read before.
Non-native speaker – take it or leave it.

Heed the slighted

Hello!
The bullied underdog and also warlock takes revenge. Quite nice idea!
Sam was a little bit too passive IMO. His depressions could be shown more visible.

I'm missing the connection to his mother regarding to the witchcraft. Why is she there in the script anyway? To show him as mommas-boy is not enough.

The ending didn't work IMO. He's resistant of fire as warlock. Not that I don't like the idea of a depressive warlock, but, it's not established that fire can kill him at least.

There's too much room which makes the ending implausible. Show us his death agony or invest before in your story, to establish his weakness in case of fire. You kill him by his own only magic-ability. That way it's not enough, but still a good advance to show a depressive warlock. Thank you for that fresh impression.

I'd admit I like the story here.  The writer asks for an emotional connection for the protagonist and achieves it.  The opening sequence is also not unnecessary as it leads to more clues into Sam's motives.  His decision at the end felt appropriate, I thought the ending was solid.

As far as the writing goes, it needs work in the screenwriting aspect.  I'm sure everyone can argue unfilmables and overwriting all day, but I'm starting to understand that some of the rules can be broken if you can justify it through the elements of your story.

"But wait, it's not alone."

You did achieve the visual you were going for.  But at what expense?  You immediately affected the tone of your script.  Not only did it affect tone, it turns the candles from prop to symbol.  But was the symbol strong enough to remember?  I might ask myself if it could have been a candle for each victim and a single candle for Sam?  If so, brilliant -- but that image should align itself with the last picture we see in order to blow our minds.

"Old, yet beautiful"

Another way to spice up the description.  But I wonder does old define the things you are modifying?  In addition, you used the same description twice in the passage.  It's repetitive for a screenplay, maybe even literature.  What I'm trying to say is a comparison like that needs to be presented more visual for the audience to grasp the comparison on screen, and old, yet beautiful would never be discovered in the way you desire.

The fragment sentences feel like a way for this to break into a screenwriting vibe.  I feel you should of stuck with what comes natural.

"A little soft around the middle, and maybe a bit soft in the head as well."

Nice attempt at some stylish description.  You should use a more cohesive approach closer in the timeline, probably within the same passage, to clarify this more.

Big kudos to the writer here.  You took a lot of chances, sometimes it pays off and sometimes it doesn't.  I enjoyed it!

Johnny

I'll start off by saying why I stopped reading this one. It was actually the second sentence which gave me a red flag "But wait, it’s not alone." Personally, I think this reads very poorly in context to the whole paragraph. I get it's a style thing but I'm really not sure why you didn't just write there were five candles. The writing itself isn't bad but it is overwritten in the sense you put in details which really don't matter. I think I stopped when I saw the same description twice " an old, yet beautiful, woman" and "old, yet beautiful, woven". It just felt lazy.

Anyway, onto the script:

"the man’s" Which man? The voice? We haven't seen him yet so it's best to avoid  referencing him.

Try and avoid 5 line paragraphs.

"A slender woman, JULIE, late 20s, laughs at
something one of the young suits, RYAN, also late 20s, says." Very awkward, the sentence drags on for far too long.

I like how you structured the email in the action. Good stuff.

Dialogue ventures between well written and poorly written, it's not as worse as some other entries but still. I'd look into it, especially the exchange on the fourth page.

"Ryan, he must have said sorecock...
from all the masturbating he does." lol, it's lame but I like it.

Finished. You know, surprisingly, this does get better the more you read. I enjoyed it actually, the writing needs an edit but I can see a specific style that flows through which is a good sign. Dialogue stumbled in a few places but that wasn't too bad either. A little manipulative with Julie's storyline and the convenient fire email thing but besides that, this was fine. The Mother part was intriguing but it didn't really go anywhere, unless I missed something. A good effort.

Grade: C+/B-

EDIT: Fucked up the name of the main character BAD! Not sure how. I did read this yesterday but that doesn't explain it. Apologies to the writer if they've seen this already.

Last round here.

Eh. I thought this was okay. Not bad but certainly not great. Very morose but not in particularly hard hitting way. The ending is tragic, sure, but not much else.

I'm split on the character of Julie. On the one hand, she does reach out to Sam. She doesn't have to and he doesn't seem to much want/need her help. But she offers it anyway. On the other hand, she's a few hairs away from being coming off as lecturing and perhaps needlessly condescending. Not really sure why.

I think Sam's mother is sort of unnecessary. She's a drunk, I guess, but other than make Sam sort of sad (which we really can only infer), I don't see how it makes his life more challenging. I mean, if she were a mean drunk, critical, abusive, etc., or out of control in such a way that Sam struggles to take care of her, it'd work a little better. But as of now, her presence feels like just an extra, interchangeable dimension of sad to Sam and the story in general.

The ending is okay but I'm not sure I buy it. I mean, all the effort it takes to create a single 10 inch flame, I don't see how Sam could pull something of this magnitude off. He could start a fire somewhere off to the side and wait for it to build but then people would get out for sure. Also, he wouldn't need magic to do that.

The writing is very indulgent, often taking the piss out of what's happening onscreen by blatantly spelling it out. This is especially the case at the end when you spell out that Sam's a victim by choice. Could've just let us infer all that.

All I have to say on this one, really.

Weighted Matrix: https://docs.google.com/spread.....TTUE&usp=sharing

Producer's Notes: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NNGaVlrrpkjIfp-BRGjpTE03W1e5lZuRceJ3wQECYaI/edit?usp=sharing

16. Heed The Slighted by Nine - Horror - Sam was tired of following the Golden Rule.
Brief - 30yo worker ant succumbs to teasing, destroys office and bad co-workers

Location(s)  - Old house bedroom 2x, kitchen, Office lobby, office, corridor, break room
Cast - 7
Protagonist(s)  -  
JULIE, late 20s
Antagonist(s)  -
SAM, 30s, soft in form and mind
MOM, assume 30yrs older than SAM, drunk pagan
RECEPTIONIST
RYAN, also late 20s
SUIT #2
AMANDA
Genre & Marketability - Drama w/ slight witchcraft tacked on. Lovely poignant story, but no one's going to want to see this middle aged, sophomoric tale - except other victims.
Comments  -  "The flames illuminate walls of old, yet beautiful, woven tapestries. The light finds its way to a bed with an old, yet beautiful, woman" Don't do that. Too many "yets" on each other's heels. Novely descriptions of waaaay too much immaterial detail detract rather than add to the screenplay. (FWIW, when I first started writing screenplays I wrote just like this and it took FOREVER for me to learn to brutally cut down my novely descriptions.)
"SAM, a man in his mid to late 30s. A little soft around the middle, and maybe a bit soft in the
head as well; It's too soon to tell." Cut this to "SAM, 30s, soft in form and spirit." Okay, burning up a building could be done in After Effects, but it looks cheezy on a budget. And this really isn't a horror story. It's drama with some witchcraft tacked on.
Script format - fair. Gotta pare down those descriptions
Final word - Nice, but missable.

$1,000 - $2,000      Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/ 9.2               Screenplay Pages
= $108 - 216           Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Modern Witches and/or Warlocks - Yep
Horror - Nope